A rap-rock band with a DJ? Somebody tell this band what year it is.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Uh, but back to this rehab business, uh, it's a recap, it's costing us a lot, uh, and the local authorities want a scape goat.
So we offered them you. 'Cause you were drinking a lot!
What are you talking about?! It was a technical malfunction!
Denial! Huh, yeah. Denial.
The hoverdrums, the drumsticks-
Denials.
Denial!
Textbooks case.
Right there, [holds up a textbook entitled "Denial"] says in the book.
Yeah.
Look, Pickles, to put it bluntly, you can't handle your booze.
Can't handle your booze, Pickles!
Yeahs, lightweights!
You can't handle your booze, and WE CAN! [shows various photos of Dethklok members, not including Pickles, intoxicated and causing chaos] Flying hoverdrums all across Mozambique, who does that? Really.
It's part of the show!
Uh huh. Yeah, excuses, excuses.
[pause] I hate you all. I really do.
[slams his beer bottle down] TRY TO CALM DOWN, PICKLES! THAT'S THE BOOZE TALKING!!
What am I supposed to do without booze? It's my whole life.
You could try eating an apple. You can always eat an apple...instead of drinking.
You cans try, instead of doings drugs, jackings off while yous chokes yourselfs with a leather belts around your throats, close to the points of death.
Yeah, that's a natural high.
Yeah, that's good clean fun. I do it every morning.
Okay, guys. I really, really don't want to promote auto-erotic asphyxiation, okay?
God! Live a little bit, Grandma!
I'm trying... it's an embarrassing death. You always have to color it differently in the media.
I think it's an awesome death.
Fucking bad-ass death.
Yeah, it's better than blowing up in the space shuttle.
Now an unfortunate scheduling conflict has come because of all this, you have a show to perform, but Pickles will be in rehab.
So we can't play with a drummer? You know that will take a lot of rhythmic elements out of the song, I mean, don't you think?
Well I think I figured something out. You can't play with Pickles, but you can play with a machine. You can play with a drum machine. [a machine is shown in the darkness, playing a Metal beat; the band members look at it in awe]
[flabbergasted] Whoa, looks at that! Ohhhh.
Whoa, that's pretty fucking cool.
Oh my gosh, that's bad-ass!
Well good then. In the meantime, you'll have to watch this instructional video in order to operate it.
Hey pals, it's me! Faaaacebooooones!
[drinking a beer] Hey look! Facebones!
And let me introduce you to your newest robot pal and band member, X2P1158! He's the coolest high-tech drum machine known to humankind! He can play any style! Including, but not limited to Latin, soul, R&B, rock, adult contemporary, fusion, Latin fusion, and dildo fusion too! And he can outperform any drummer and is capable of performing up to 200 polyrhythms at once! It can also perform the deadly hexi-kicks! Check it out! [a sample of fast double kicks is heard] WOW! And most importantly, they can handle their alcohol! Not like SOME DRUMMERS!
Holy shit! It's the perfect drummer!
We should totally finds one that plays rhythm guitars too.
That woulds be cools! Another robots pals!
CComputer
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The X2P1158 is equipped with a 10,000 megaton self detonation device! And in rare cases become self aware and cause dangerous harm to humans! If that's the case contact the manufacturer! Not our problem! But that probably won't happen anywhooooo! Thanks for watching and have fun playing with the X2P1158! I'm Facebones! G-g-g-g-g-g....GOODBYE!
Hey, Pickles isn'tgonna care that he's being replaced, is he?
Nah, he'll be fines! He am probably be settlings in real nicely and adjustings in rehabds.
Yeah, he's probably living like a fucking king!
[Toki visits Dr. Rockso in jail]
Toki! Oh thank God! You gotta get Dr. Rockso outta here! I can't tell you what they're doing to me in the joint! [sobs]
Shuts up Rockso. You have beens a constant source of disappoint-ska-ments.
[sobs again]
Enoughs! Ever since I knows you, you acts like a dildos! And you used the be a greats rock n' roll clown. You used to bes a star! But looks at you now. You're like a dogs whats bloateds and rottings on the sides of the roads. Likes a turds in the toilet ins an abandoned buildings whats no ones even flushed. Likes a dead whore whats the police won't even investigate 'cause no one cares-
[annoyed] Okay baby, I get the idea...
Buts... den's I realized... That's it! You amn'ts on tops, and that's whys you haves slumpeds to the bottoms of garbage! You needs to be backs on tops Rockso! I'ms gonna bails you out, and helps you reforms your old band: Zazz Blammymatazz!
Alls we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Rockso performs and thens we makes our money backs and thens we goes on vacations -- easy!
You think this is the first time that group of fucking clowns has tried to reunite?
Whats do you means?
There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing and they didn't even play one song. Cancelled. Then they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. Canceled. Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, I'm not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot you," and he's like, "Well, go ahead and shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out the side of his dick. And uh... they canceled the show. So, that's what I heard.
Yeah, heard that.
Look -- there's nothing I hate more than that fucking clown, but there isn't anything I won't do to hang out with MICKEY MOUSE!
Why didn'ts we brings our jackets?
Dudes this is a totally humiliating way to die! Huddled together, like a bunch of homos!
[whispering] Pickles...we need to use each others body heat to stay alive. I'm telling you here.
Ugh, just try not to get a boner!
YOU try not to get a boner from me!
What the hell happened out there?! You!
Yeah! How did we get left behind?!
Yeah! [punches Skwisgaar]
Owww!
I just wanna get warm! I need more blankets! [struggling]
Look you guys were out there for less than 15 minutes! God knows why you ran into the woods and didn't stay in the gas station!
...Well maybe we don't know, to go inside, when it's cold, alright?!
DTDethkone Tagline
Dethkones. Icy and brutal!
OSOfdensen's Assistant
Pardon me sir, but did you just order 70 million units of-
Yeah.
Did you...book a gig...in Syria...without telling me?!
Eh...
Why are you yelling at us?
There's something bigger to think about. Our manager finally hates us...
Now, if for some reason, I can't convince one of these two countries to reschedule, we could be the cause of World War III...which will hurt record sales. And that's our bread and butter they're fucking with.
Now listen, it's in our best interest to satisfy both parties to the best of my ability. For that, I may need a little patience on your- [Dethphone rings; clears throat] Sorry. [silences phone] I may need a little patience as I iron out the-
AAssistant
Sir, it's Dethklok.
Well, tell them "no." I'll have to return their phone call.
AAssistant
They claim it's rather urgent.
Urgent? Very well. [to the U.N. members] I'm very sorry. Uh guys, I'm in a meeting with the United Nations right now.
Toki hit me in the arm and it really hurt!
I'm trying to solve the Israeli-Syrian issue with the U.N. right now and-
Hey! It's Nathan! He hit me too! And he keeps on hitting all of us!
Well uh, maybe if you-
Hey! Hey!
Mhmm?
It's William.
Yes.
I was just standing there, and Toki walks up and slaps me hard, REALLY HARD on the back! And I didn't do ANYTHING to provoke him!
No neithers did any ofs us! And now I gots a fuckings welts all over my arms.
Okay well listen-
AND THE TV NEWS CALLED ME FAT!
Okay. Guys?
Y-yes?
I'm really busy right now. In the mean time, try to tell Toki, that you don't appreciate being hit.
YOU TELL HIM! He won't listen to us! We know he won't!
No he won't! You have to do it!
Ofdensen If I get home before dinner, I'll talk to him, okay? I just- I can't do it right now, I'm in the-
NO! NOW!
We're watching you on TV! We'll know if you don't!
Yeah, you're on C-SPAN!
You're not doing it!
Uh, my apologies ladies and gentlemen of the United Nations, I uh, have to uh...make a quick phone call. Toki. [clears throat] [phone ringing] Uhh, hello, Toki, uh-
TSToki's Answering Machine
Hi! You've reached the phones of Toki Wartooths. I'm not homes right now, but listens very carefullys to these followings instructions! After you hears a beep, please leaves detaileds message, on whos you are, and whats you likes to talks to Toki Wartooths abo- [beep]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Metalocalypse pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.