Who's damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHO'S DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the window's rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)
S2 E1Traffic Jam
OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!
CWConstruction Worker
That's right.
And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!
CWConstruction Worker
That's right.
THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!
What's the point of being out here?
So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.
Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? (slams on the brakes while the car behind him honks)
Good Lord, Hal! He could have a gun!
All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.
(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his breaks)
Ice Cream Man [to Reese]: That will teach you to mess with me. I was a surgeon in my country.
MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!
Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?
She's ran away.
You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.
[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...
Ok let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!
[Hal has just put both feet on the brake of the van to frustrate the silver Volvo.]
Oh good lord Hal, he could have a gun. Just pull over and let him pass.
[The children is arguing with Clyde of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]
CIClyde the Ice Cream Man
GO AWAY! There is no ice cream in the truck!
EErin
He's lying! There's tons of ice cream in there!
CIClyde the Ice Cream Man
The ice cream in the truck is NOT for sale! It is against the law for me to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic!
This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! PURE EVIL!
CIClyde the Ice Cream Man
Well... If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly.
[The driver goes back into the ice cream truck and shuts the door]
You son of a!
Look, there's nothing you can do!
Yes, there is! I can... I can...
[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]
And the Nobel Prize goes to...
Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.
I'm Jessica, gray Volvo.
Malcolm, crappy minivan.
S2 E2"Halloween Approximately"
[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]
When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?
I think before Dewey.
[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]
It's all you, man.
[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]
[aside] This is a game that has no winners.
WE OWN YOU ALL! No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world? Violence...just...got...a...little...more...RANDOM!
Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.
Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.
No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!
No, look! It is the 31st!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Malcolm in the Middle pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.