Magnum, P.I. quotes

175 total quotes

All Seasons
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Higgins: I, of course, have spent many a Christmas away from home and family. More times than I care to remember, in more places than I care to remember; Forgotten battlefields, and sometimes even forgotten wars. I think being at war, makes Christmas all the more bittersweet - peace on earth, and goodwill to all men, and all that.

Higgins: If you're going to drink yourself into a stupor, wouldn't whiskey be more effective?
Magnum: Too hard to keep an even buzz on with whiskey.

Higgins: Lady Ashley, you look positively smashing, especially for a woman your age.

Higgins: Magnum, feed the lads, would you? There are steaks in the freezer. [Magnum makes an excited face] Very well, you can have one too.

Higgins: Magnum, I'm very busy placating the guests. Now, will you please send Rick and T.C., away and assume the character of a reasonably competent security person? Only you and I will know you're acting.

Higgins: Magnum, stop living in the past.
Magnum: Me? Me?! Higgins, you've enshrined yours. You quote every boring war story like it was carved in stone.
Higgins: Boring?
Rick: Don't worry, Higgins, I like your stories.
T.C.: Yeah, me too.
Higgins: I do think I tell them with a certain panache.

Higgins: Magnum, you never cease to amaze me. I must know how you arrived at this remarkably astute conclusion with your limited knowledge of art.
Magnum: Would you believe me if I told you it came to me in a dream?
Higgins: Yes, because your conscious mind certainly isn't capable of such superior detective work.

Higgins: Sometimes you amaze me, Magnum, truly. Your intuitive grasp of human nature is
Magnum: Perceptive?
Higgins: Pre-adolescent.

Higgins: Stop. Whatever you are doing, stop it.
T.C.: Hi, Higgins.
Higgins: Don't "Hi, Higgins" me. Just get you and your juvenile delinquents out of here.

Higgins: The two of you are as nervous as a pair of Devonshire schoolgirls.
T.C.: And you're not?
Higgins: No.
T.C.: Then why have you been sipping tea from an empty cup for the last half-hour?

Higgins: This morning I came to a startling and horrifying realization. Since your arrival at Robin's Nest, you have insidiously eroded away my sense of diligence. Security has fallen completely apart. The grounds are in a terrible state of neglect. This guest house should be condemned.
Magnum: It doesn't look so bad.
Higgins: The estate is completely overrun with your good-for-nothing friends, sleazy clients and unexpected guests.
Magnum: That is not true!
[Carol enters guest house]
Carol: Hi Thomas. The gate was open, so I just came on in.
[Magnum hangs head]

Higgins: Why are you here scrambling eggs...
Magnum: They're not scrambled, they're over easy.
Higgins: ...instead of out looking for Tessa.
Magnum: I found him.
Higgins: You found him?
Magnum: Yes, I found him.
Higgins: You must take Elizabeth there at once.
Magnum: Higgins, he threatened to kill me.
Higgins: To make an omelet, one must crack a few eggs.

Higgins: You have to get into the safe first, Magnum.
Magnum: [wiggles eyebrows] I know.

Higgins: You know lads, I sometimes view myself as a later-day Job, constantly being tested by our Creator. How else could I possibly justify four major wars, dozens of minor conflicts, seven natural disasters, and...
Magnum: Aha! Double play Tigers!
Higgins: ...Him.

Ivan: I have plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now.
[Magnum stands emotionally torn]:
Ivan: [smiling] You won't. You can't. I know you Thomas, I had you for three months at Duc Hua. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of... honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me. If I was armed and coming after you. But like this? Thomas... never. Goodbye Thomas. Dasvidanya.
[Ivan walks past an unmoving Magnum]:
Magnum: Ivan?
Ivan: [turning back] Yes?
Magnum: Did you see the sunrise this morning?
Ivan: Yes, why?
[Magnum calmly turns and shoots him in the head]