Magnum, P.I. quotes

175 total quotes

Higgins: [about Magnum's plan to join a high stakes poker game] It's Higgin's law, if you will: Opportunity plus Magnum equals financial disaster. Inevitably the disaster befalls an innocent bystander.

Higgins: [after Magnum has moved out of the guest house] Isn't it glorious, lads? I find the silence and serenity sublime. ...No screeching of tires past my window in the early morning hours ...No strange sounds emanating from the guest house ...No more sordid and tawdry guests ...No more abuse of private property ...No more Magnum.

Higgins: [philosophizing about Magnum's potential death] I know, however desolated I would be, I would also experience a certain catharsis that is singularly missing.
T.C.: Ahh... run that by me again, Higgi-baby. Only this time in English.

Higgins: [seeing Magnum wearing an old football helmet] Even for you, I find this evening's attire most bizarre. A rough divorce case pending?
Magnum: Higgins--
Higgins: Or is it some exotic fantasy you engage in after the sun goes down. "Win one for the dipper," something or other.
Magnum: Gipper!
Higgins: What?
Magnum: It is Gipper, not dipper!

Higgins: [To Rick] A formal complaint has been lodged with you in regarding both unbecoming behavior and flagrant violations of the club's dress code.
Magnum: Oh come on Higgins, I'm clean. I'm on the beach.
Higgins: It's interesting how the guilty party defends himself, even before he's been accused.
Rick: Oh, Thomas is usually accused before there's a complaint...That came out wrong, didn't it?

Higgins: After the war, the Cliffords suffered some sort of a disgrace. They were ostracized from society. I don't imagine you'd understand that sort of thing, would you, Magnum? On the other hand, perhaps you would.

Higgins: As you may have noticed, I've fired the groundskeeper. Until I can find a successor, I'd like you to assume some of the responsibilities.
Magnum: But Higgins, I don't know the first thing about gardening!
Higgins: I assure you, the kind of work I had in mind requires no intelligence what so ever.
Magnum: Like what?
Higgins: Like distributing 1500 lbs. of recycled vegetation that was delivered this morning.
Magnum: Recycled vegetation!? What do you mean 'recycled vegetation'? Recycled how?
Higgins: [smiles] Through a cow.

Higgins: He drove Robin's Ferrari over a cliff?
T.C.: Well, I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose!
Higgins: One can never be sure with Magnum. Well, he'd better survive if he knows what's good for him.

Magnum: [about Rick's black eye] So who was it Rick?
Rick: D'you think it needs more wine?
Magnum: Rick, come on, who was it?
Rick: Catherine.
Magnum: ...Catherine who?
Rick: [desperately trying to change the subject] T.C., what about the peppers?
Magnum: Rick!
Rick: I don't know, they don't have a last name.
T.C.: Who doesn't have a last name?
Rick: [long pause]: Nuns.
[T.C. and Magnum burst out laughing]
Rick: W-well what's so funny?!
T.C.: You mean to tell me, a NUN gave you that shiner?
Rick: She thought I was trying to steal her car!
[T.C. and Magnum laugh even harder]
Rick: Hey, she was a big Nun!

Magnum: [during the chase of Mad Buck, who is joy-riding in the Ferrari] I was looking at several very grim possibilities involving the destruction of Buck, the Ferrari, innocent by-standers, and any combination thereof.

Magnum: [narrating] Another cliché about getting information from bartenders is that no matter how sincere they sound, you know as soon as you're out the door, they're on the phone warning the guy you want to see. And this guy didn't strike me as being particularly different.

Magnum: [narrating] Dreams are supposed to represent your subconscious wishes and conflicts. It's sort of a private movie you write, produce and direct. Only you can't hide your eyes in your dreams, even when they are scaring you to death.

Magnum: [narrating] Even in the Hawaiian sunshine, football, to me, smelt like fall in New England. Some place there should be a prep band playing, pretty girls in short skirts, and I was 21 with an arm that could throw passes all afternoon.

Magnum: [narrating] Even on the red-eye it's wonderful flying into Honolulu for a vacation in paradise. But, it's not nearly so wonderful when you're a Private Investigator who's just spent two weeks in Bakersfield on a case and been stiffed by your client. And it's even worse when your ride from the airport didn't show up, and the cab driver's listening to the Orange Blossom Special.

Magnum: [narrating] Every day in the topics is part illusion; Rain clouds are actually rainbows ... the perfect wave breaks into a riptide ... conviction of immortality grows out of the endless summer. What I should have remembered is that illusion is always dangerous. But, on a perfect morning on the beach, who could remember fate?