Rick quotes from Magnum, P.I.

T.C.

[after Magnum and Rick complain about his piloting] You get what you pay for, and none of you paid!

Rick

Where is your holiday spirit?

T.C.

Back home in New Orleans, which is where I'm gonna be as soon as Captain Calvin's Charity Chopper dumps all you freeloaders off!

Higgins

Magnum, stop living in the past.

Magnum

Me? Me?! Higgins, you've enshrined yours. You quote every boring war story like it was carved in stone.

Higgins

Boring?

Rick

Don't worry, Higgins, I like your stories.

T.C.

Yeah, me too.

Higgins

I do think I tell them with a certain panache.

T.C.

I've heard that some private investigators don't even do any of that bone-numbing research and that they actually con other people to do it for them.

Rick

Yes, I've heard that also, but surely that can't be true.

Magnum

Where you been, Tyler?

Been to an execution.

Rick

Anybody we know?

Mine.

T.C.

Well, I guess somebody messed up then.

Got anything to drink?

Higgins

Certainly not. And I demand an explanation.

Okay, General, just don't slug me, too.

Rick

Go ahead, Higgins, belt him if you want.

(on TV) An Island Hoppers spokesman has now quoted as saying that foul play is not suspected.

Higgins

What idiot would give out such a ludicrous statement?

T.C.

The same idiot that claims to be my spokesman!

(a con artist who looks like Mac from Seasons 1-3, played by the same actor, Jeff MacKay) Well, somebody had to mind the store! I heard the news report on the radio about the shoot--the accident, so well, naturally, my first inclination was to rush to the hospital.

Magnum

Naturally.

Exactly! But then I thought, no, that's just what all his good friends will do and I'd just be in the way. So then, naturally, the next thought that occurred to me was, "Who's looking after T.C.'s business?"

Magnum

So, you just, naturally, rushed on down here and took charge in a moment of crisis.

Exactly! And lucky I did, 'cause when I got here, the place was standing open and crawling with press! But don't worry, these are the last two left and they're just leaving. I handled all of them.

Rick

Like that stupid crap that foul play wasn't suspected?

(shushes) Naturally, I told them foul play wasn't suspected, I'm trying to save T.C.'s image here! I mean, who would want to fly with a guy someone's trying to kill?

Magnum

That's very thoughtful of you, Mac.

Thank you.

Magnum

So, can you empty your pockets and show me your wallet?

I think I'm being insulted.

Magnum

No, just accused, naturally. T.C. always has about $500 in cash in his office for emergencies, now if I walk in there and don't find it...

Well, you won't, because I secured all the cash I found. (Pulls out a wad of bills)

Magnum

I hate that word. Don't say "secured", when you mean "stole".

I secured all the cash. Now if somebody had snuck in there and stolen it while I'm still on the premises, I'd feel pretty silly, now wouldn't I?

Rick

(Takes the wad of bills, starts counting it) What else is missing, Mac?

Nothing! I haven't taken anything from that office, I've only given my time, my creativity, my years of managerial experience...

Magnum

Mac, please leave.

Well, you're welcome! (Walks off in a huff)

Rick

He wouldn't put himself up for a little cash, with this guy, it's always a major angle.

Magnum

Naturally.

Magnum

What's he saying about me? And who's Pasqual Valez?

You gotta be kidding, he's only one of the biggest crime bosses in Mexico City. So you really got the goods on Valez's organization last week, huh?

Rick

Thomas, you were in Mexico City last week? I thought you were in Oklahoma City!

Magnum

I was! You (Mac) tell Emilio that he's coming with me to find someone who speaks Spanish.

Well, what do you think I've been doing?

Magnum

I'm not sure, Mac. And that's why I'd like a second opinion on what Emilio told you. Besides, you've got something more important to do, find T.C.'s chopper!

Find it? Why, did he lose it?

Rick

Ah, knock it off, will you? You know you stole it!

Me? Why is it always me? I--Why would I liberate T.C.'s chopper?

Magnum

I hate that word too. Now you bring back T.C.'s chopper that you liberated, stole, by tomorrow!