T.C quotes from Magnum, P.I.

Rick

Come on, T.C., a lizard could have caught that. I've seen better hands on my mother!

T.C.

Well, maybe you oughta bring your momma out here. At least she is a girl; you just pitch like one!

Magnum

[narrating] When you spend your every working day basking in the balmy breezes of paradise, when you play year round on the beautiful sunny beaches of the Pacific, where do you dream of going on a vacation? The answer is obvious: Detroit. Reason one: Detroit's a fun city. Reason two: There's a superior group of athletes there known as the Tigers! Reason three:

T.C.

A free trip? You think you're going to get a free trip to Detroit on my tab Thomas?

Magnum

T.C., I'm doing you a favor.

T.C.

And Robin Master's little red wagon for the whole entire time that you're gone. Sorry Thomas, but I need wheels and I'm having problems with the van.

Magnum

What's wrong with it?

T.C.

It's not a Ferrari.

Magnum

Rick, there's a bug in your hair.

Rick

Yeah, right.

T.C.

No, really, Rick, there's a praying mantis.

Rick

[mimicks]"Rick, there's a bug in your pocket," "Rick, there's a centipede," "Rick, there's a lizard." Well, I'm not buyin' it! [Rick walks off]

T.C.

[after Magnum and Rick complain about his piloting] You get what you pay for, and none of you paid!

Rick

Where is your holiday spirit?

T.C.

Back home in New Orleans, which is where I'm gonna be as soon as Captain Calvin's Charity Chopper dumps all you freeloaders off!

Higgins

Magnum, stop living in the past.

Magnum

Me? Me?! Higgins, you've enshrined yours. You quote every boring war story like it was carved in stone.

Higgins

Boring?

Rick

Don't worry, Higgins, I like your stories.

T.C.

Yeah, me too.

Higgins

I do think I tell them with a certain panache.

Higgins

The two of you are as nervous as a pair of Devonshire schoolgirls.

T.C.

And you're not?

Higgins

No.

T.C.

Then why have you been sipping tea from an empty cup for the last half-hour?

T.C.

I've heard that some private investigators don't even do any of that bone-numbing research and that they actually con other people to do it for them.

Rick

Yes, I've heard that also, but surely that can't be true.

Magnum

Where you been, Tyler?

Been to an execution.

Rick

Anybody we know?

Mine.

T.C.

Well, I guess somebody messed up then.

Higgins

My God, what is that odor?

T.C.

Higgie-baby, you're talking about my Aunt Rola's original, Creole flaming, bayou blasting chilli. Wanna try a little taste?

Higgins

Not without a paramedic in attendance.

(on TV) An Island Hoppers spokesman has now quoted as saying that foul play is not suspected.

Higgins

What idiot would give out such a ludicrous statement?

T.C.

The same idiot that claims to be my spokesman!

(a con artist who looks like Mac from Seasons 1-3, played by the same actor, Jeff MacKay) Well, somebody had to mind the store! I heard the news report on the radio about the shoot--the accident, so well, naturally, my first inclination was to rush to the hospital.

Magnum

Naturally.

Exactly! But then I thought, no, that's just what all his good friends will do and I'd just be in the way. So then, naturally, the next thought that occurred to me was, "Who's looking after T.C.'s business?"

Magnum

So, you just, naturally, rushed on down here and took charge in a moment of crisis.

Exactly! And lucky I did, 'cause when I got here, the place was standing open and crawling with press! But don't worry, these are the last two left and they're just leaving. I handled all of them.

Rick

Like that stupid crap that foul play wasn't suspected?

(shushes) Naturally, I told them foul play wasn't suspected, I'm trying to save T.C.'s image here! I mean, who would want to fly with a guy someone's trying to kill?

Magnum

That's very thoughtful of you, Mac.

Thank you.

Magnum

So, can you empty your pockets and show me your wallet?

I think I'm being insulted.

Magnum

No, just accused, naturally. T.C. always has about $500 in cash in his office for emergencies, now if I walk in there and don't find it...

Well, you won't, because I secured all the cash I found. (Pulls out a wad of bills)

Magnum

I hate that word. Don't say "secured", when you mean "stole".

I secured all the cash. Now if somebody had snuck in there and stolen it while I'm still on the premises, I'd feel pretty silly, now wouldn't I?

Rick

(Takes the wad of bills, starts counting it) What else is missing, Mac?

Nothing! I haven't taken anything from that office, I've only given my time, my creativity, my years of managerial experience...

Magnum

Mac, please leave.

Well, you're welcome! (Walks off in a huff)

Rick

He wouldn't put himself up for a little cash, with this guy, it's always a major angle.

Magnum

Naturally.