Thomas Magnum quotes from Magnum, P.I.

T.C.

And Robin Master's little red wagon for the whole entire time that you're gone. Sorry Thomas, but I need wheels and I'm having problems with the van.

Magnum

What's wrong with it?

T.C.

It's not a Ferrari.

Magnum

Rick, there's a bug in your hair.

Rick

Yeah, right.

T.C.

No, really, Rick, there's a praying mantis.

Rick

[mimicks]"Rick, there's a bug in your pocket," "Rick, there's a centipede," "Rick, there's a lizard." Well, I'm not buyin' it! [Rick walks off]

Great costume!

Magnum

Oh, this isn't a costume.

Really?! You wear that shirt in public?

Higgins

Magnum, stop living in the past.

Magnum

Me? Me?! Higgins, you've enshrined yours. You quote every boring war story like it was carved in stone.

Higgins

Boring?

Rick

Don't worry, Higgins, I like your stories.

T.C.

Yeah, me too.

Higgins

I do think I tell them with a certain panache.

Magnum

Higgins, I can explain.

Higgins

I knew I could count on hearing that pathetic phrase once again, it is as regular as the rising and setting of the-

Magnum

Do you wanna know why or not?

Higgins

Not.

Magnum

This was done by dot matrix.

Luther

Who's Dot Matrix, and what's she got to do with this?

Magnum

She's a computer, Luther!

Luther

[narrating] I was beginning to get the feeling that I was stuck with the big guy for the duration. The only thing more depressing than that was this case, because we'd run out of leads. You try being a detective with no leads. It's like a tailor without a needle, or Godzilla without Tokyo, or...

Magnum

[narrating] A bad guy without a motive.

Luther

Did you say something?

Magnum

What?...Nope.

Higgins

If you're going to drink yourself into a stupor, wouldn't whiskey be more effective?

Magnum

Too hard to keep an even buzz on with whiskey.

Magnum

What happened to 'I'll take the guys on my side'?

There weren't any guys on my side.

Magnum

Higgins, we are talking about saving my life.

Higgins

What is that, compared to saving an entire species?

Magnum

Of worms?!

Higgins

I rest my case.

Higgins

This morning I came to a startling and horrifying realization. Since your arrival at Robin's Nest, you have insidiously eroded away my sense of diligence. Security has fallen completely apart. The grounds are in a terrible state of neglect. This guest house should be condemned.

Magnum

It doesn't look so bad.

Higgins

The estate is completely overrun with your good-for-nothing friends, sleazy clients and unexpected guests.

Magnum

That is not true!

Hi Thomas. The gate was open, so I just came on in.

Magnum

Where you been, Tyler?

Been to an execution.

Rick

Anybody we know?

Mine.

T.C.

Well, I guess somebody messed up then.

I don't understand you, you think you're going to a summer camp?

Magnum

I think I got it in the right perspective, it's just a farm – I'm gonna do a little manual labor, and watch a lot of TV.

Higgins

Well at least you have experience in one of the two. [pauses] Be careful.

Magnum

This isn't a war you know. I mean, once nature sets it's course, you can't do anything to stop it.

Higgins

You can if you're British!

Magnum

Tell me a story. The "Gunga Din Story"!

Higgins

For god sake Magnum, this is hardly the time!...

Magnum

If you're Higgins, anytime is the time! The "Gunga Din Story" now!

Higgins

Malaysia, 1943. Our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and faced certain death. In our ranks was a young Lt. Ian Bowerly and during a lull in the battle he recited Gunga Din. I suppose to keep up our courage in face of the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Although they spoke no English they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day, his fate remains unknown.

Magnum

Thank you. I believe your half brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa De Rosa.