[Dan comes upon Lucifer and Charlotte talking, creating a tense moment.]
Detective
Counselor.
Douche.
Dick.
Well, I suppose that's my cue.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Oh! To Love Is to Die. Impressive work. I mean, to be a man playing a woman playing a man. It's absolutely dizzying. [off Chloe's look] What? Should I have said "spoiler"?
[to a suspect about his e-mail user name] You are "DMan69", yeah?
That's a very clever play on words, by the way. Was "nevergetslaid#1" taken?
[Chloe types a provoking e-mail to the killer.]
[reading, chuckling] "You pathetic sad sack. No wonder you didn't get tenure. Your experiments are as ugly as you are." Well said, Detective.
[alarmed, but trying to be sarcastic] Seriously? Insulting a serial killer? That's an awesome idea.
Thank you. Also, his mask is a bit lame. Could've been much creepier. Put that in. [Chloe does]
CCarlisle
You still don't get it. I didn't want anyone to get hurt. But I needed people to understand I'm not a monster. I'm human. You call it biology, call it God. But choice is an illusion. I didn't have one when I pulled myself out of that burning car. And I certainly don't have one now. You'll understand soon enough. [cuts his throat, killing himself]
[Charlotte volunteers to go to Hell to bring back Lucifer]
I have a paralyzing fear of the place, but I would face a thousand Hells to save my son.
And what about Detective Decker? I thought you two had become... close.
Well, everything I felt for her was smoke and mirrors, courtesy of dear old Dad. I mean, he clearly expected me to zig, and so I zagged.
And does Chloe know that you've... zagged Candy?
Tell me more about you and Lucifer. What comes next for you two lovebirds? Did he say anything about, uh, I don't know,... matricide?
CMCandy Morningstar
No, I think the mattress in the penthouse is pretty new.
You really told Lucifer where I was? Since when do you guys talk.
Since he helped me save your life.
[Chloe has shot past Lucifer to disable a killer.]
[looking over his arm] There's not a scratch, Detective. Impressive marksmanship.
Actually, I was aiming for you.
Since I escaped Hell, all I've wanted is to get back to the Silver City. To reunite our family.
You're still fantasizing about heavenly rebellion? Just let it go, Mum. Been there, done that, big fall.
But that's just it. Why do you think you lost that fight?
Oh, I don't know, let's have a think, shall we? Not enough cardio? The fact that dear old Dad's slightly almighty?
[referring to the gates of Heaven] Do you mean actual gates? Like big and pearly? Are we talking clouds? Harps? Old dudes in white robes?
And my Dad is Morgan Freeman? Focus, Doctor.
[in a school class about dealing with one's feelings]
TTeacher
Trixie. Do you have any feelings you want to use? I know it's only your first time, but...
I feel sad.
TTeacher
Okay. Why?
Because... my mommy almost died. Her job is scary. But she has to help so many other people with their problems. I don't want her to worry about mine. So I pretend I'm okay.
[gently] Well, welcome to the club of parental deceit, child. It's a lonely place, but that's the price of being clever.
Since when can you hit so hard?
My strength has been growing steadily.
As is your recklessness, it seems. I mean, what did you expect me to do? Stab you with the blade and have it be ignited by my joy?
I'll give you one chance to apologize.
J"God" Johnson
Apologize? You punched me! I'll tell you what I can do; I can forgive you.
Taking the high ground now, are we? Magnificent. I may have struck the latest blow, but that is only in response to the litany of offenses that you, dear old dad, have bestowed upon me.
J"God" Johnson
So, you believe me. Good. Tell me, just what is it you think I've done?
Oh, we're going there, are we?! Right, let's see! Um, casting me into hell for eternity because you haven't got the balls to get your own cowardly hands dirty! Manipulating me with the detective, giving me the illusion of control! You are a patronizing, sinister helicopter parent!
J"God" Johnson
So you think you have no free will?
Every bad thing that's happened throughout eternity is your doing, not mine! It's all part of God's plan! Even Mum's coming here and manipulation of me was part of it.
J"God" Johnson
Your mother's here?
Oh! Look who cares now.
J"God" Johnson
Oh, my. Oh, well, that is something. I still remember the first moment we met. Mmm. There was nothing, just darkness and... then she appeared. (chuckles softly) It did not take long for us to light up the universe.
Much as I'm enjoying this trip down memory lane, I want an apology. Nay! Nay, I demand penance. You must atone for what you've done!
J"God" Johnson
Now, that's not the Samael I remember.
No! No, Dad, this is who you made me when you cast me away! Now apologize!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Lucifer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.