Elliot Stabler quotes from Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Stabler

Sometimes the thought of Maureen in college scares the hell out of me.

Olivia

I don't blame you.

Stabler

Higher education used to mean BA's and PhDs, now it's roofies and GHB.

Olivia

And deans with confidential disciplinary committees.

You're on desk duty.

Benson

Captain, I can explain.

You can't follow my orders on the street, you try keepin' my files straight.

Stabler

Captain?

[to his other detectives] And in case anyone else here has Detective Benson's hearing problem, read my lips or buy the Cliff notes: No one is to go near Ashley Black again. That includes her family, school, house, and any employees therein.

Benson

You can't do this. Somebody's gotta help her.

Really? Well, thanks to you, now none of us can!

Elliot, how'd it go with the doc?

Stabler

She said the bandage probably kept most of Gloria's blood from entering the wound.

Good.

Stabler

[holds up 2 medicine bottles] Just in case, she gave me a month's supply of antiretrovirals.

Then what?

Stabler

Wait and see.

That's gonna make for a hell of a month. Listen, if there's anything....

Stabler

I got it covered.

Well, you got my number.

Stabler

Captain. Thanks.

Benson

Hey. You feeling any better?

Stabler

Yeah. I caught some sleep up in the crib. How's Smythe?

Benson

She's awake. She's ugh, she's going to be okay.

Stabler

Say anything?

Benson

No. You sure you're okay?

Stabler

You tell Cragen about what happened last night? Me getting sick?

Benson

You heard what I said. You were standing right there. I haven't seen him since. Why?

Stabler

Boss wanted to send me home.

Benson

But he didn't. Good decision. But that stuff right there.... [points to the can of diet cola he is drinking] that'll kill you.

Benson

Got your appetite back.

Stabler

Feels good to eat like a human being again.

Benson

You get the test results?

Stabler

Clean bill of health. Negative for HIV, hepatitis. [Benson smiles back at him; holds up a glass of O.J.] Salute.

How goes it, Elliot?

Munch

Hey! I made that! 19 hours ago, mind you, but still, a little tact.

Stabler

[looks at an empty can] Hey, Munch, why do you do this? You always do this. [to the captain] He puts the lid back on an empty can!

Munch

It's just my way.

Munch

[as Fin applies eye drops to his eyes] Can I have some of that?

Fin

No.

Munch

Please?

Fin

No.

Munch

Come on!

Fin

Can't share eye drops. That's how you get pinkeye.

Stabler

Just give him the eye drops, will you?

Benson

The earth moved.

Stabler

And he saw stars.

Dr. Warner

External examination found no traces of semen. Further testing...[pulling out an organ and placing it in a scale dish] showed spermicides usually found in condoms.

Stabler

This is fun.

Stabler

Daniel?

Daniel

[stops mopping] Yes. I'm Daniel.

Stabler

Hi. Can we talk to you a second?

Daniel

Who are you?

Benson

We're the police.

Daniel

[frightened] His avenging angels cometh. [drops his mop]

Benson

We just wanna ask you a question.

Daniel

[murmurs incoherently] You cannot hide in the presence of the Lord. He sent you to judge me?

Benson

No, no. Not to judge you. To help you.

Daniel

Why?! I served him. I was... I... They were unclean, and I cleansed them in their own blood. I saved a child, a lamb that was pure...

Benson

Daniel? Daniel, come with us. Come with us.

Daniel

[pulls out his knife] Wasn't I good enough? Wasn't I good enough? Why do you send your angels for me? Why do you want to destroy me when I bring them your message? They were unclean. Why? Why do you send your angels for me? Why? Why do you want to destroy me when I bring them your message?

Benson

No. Not to destroy you. He wants to reward you.

Daniel

HE WILL JUDGE ME! Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name thy kingdom come, thy will be done...

[in unison] ...on Earth as it is in Heaven give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses...

Daniel

Pray with me!

Stabler

Get the arm.

Benson

[grabs Daniel's arm] Got it.

Stabler

[slaps the cuffs on Daniel while he continues murmuring] Daniel Varney, you're under arrest for murder. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

You happy now?

Stabler

Mrs. Tate, I'm sorry about Leon.

Don't you dare say you're sorry. You're glad he's dead. He didn't kill those girls, but you killed him anyway. You murdered him.

Fin

Mrs. Tate, Detective Stabler was doing his job.

My son was innocent.

Fin

Your son was gonna kill somebody with his HIV. We had to stop him. We didn't put the needle in his arm.

You didn't. But you all stick together, don't you? (storms off)

Fin

It's over, your highness.

You ain't got nothin' on me.

Munch

Just takin' a bite outta crime.

Benson

Just like you took a bite outta Rodney Thompson's arm.

Stabler

You left your DNA. Thought you were smarter than that.

Dr. Huang

Do you gamble, Elliot?

Elliot Stabler

Only with birth control.

Fin

[after meeting Hawk for the first time] Who the hell was that?

Stabler

Wyatt Earp.

Hawk

[about Benson] Your partner always so friendly?

Stabler

She just doesn't like you.

Hawk

[amused] Wait 'til she gets to know me.