Kath quotes from Kath & Kim

Kath

Look, I just feel I have so many options, R.E: the venue at the moment; you know I've got 'Big Jugs' on one hand, I've got 'Dirty Nelly's' on the other, and now I've got King Henry VIII constantly on my back!

Kath

I told King Henry VIII to get knotted. Me and Kel are happy to do it on the front lawn!

Kath

Eyes Wide Shut, that was a funny film! Actually I might get that out on DVD...yeah...get me out on myself...

Kath

(talking on the phone) Oh yes hello Trish? Yes, yes it’s Kath Day Knight, Um look yeah my phone line is down, well there’s something wrong with the phone and I need to be urgently contactable by my local florist at present.

Kath

Frankly, these days a spa pool is essential if you're going to over-capitalise.

Kath

[To Kel, upon hearing that they've been chosen to star in an adult nappies commercial] You wouldn't believe the money, Kel, they're talking THREE figures!

Sharon

You know what Mrs. D? I think you should come out!

Kath

... I don't think so, Sharon.

Kath

[Talking to Kim about her sexuality, believing her to be a lesbian] You're a Dutch sea wall, Kim!

Kim

[Confused] What?

Kath

A dyke! On a bike... if you like.

Kim

Mum, I'm not gay.

Kath

Kim, I'll tell you something for nothing, you may eat like a pig, but you're certainly not a dog.

Kim

Well, if I'm not a dog, how come I've got a bitch for a mother?

Kath

I heard that.

Kel

And this is for you.

Kath

Oh, Kel, Barbra Streisand!

Kel

Yep, I'm a big Streisand fan.

Kath

Really? Oh, what a nong I am to think that you were gay when you're a big Barbra Streisand fan.

Kath

[Trying to help her daughter to lose weight] Kimmy, Look at moiye, look at moiye, Look at moiye, ploise. Now I've got one word to say to you... Ozone hi bootiful girl!

Kim

What?

Kath

The ozone diet. It's the only way! It's taking Hollywood by storm, Kim. Everybody's on it: Madonna Penn Ritchie, Jennifer Pitt Aniston, Courtney Loves Cox.

Kim

The ozone diet? What does that pacifically entail?

Kath

Well, it's air evidently, Kimmy. You eat air for two weeks, and then red meat for two weeks, so it all balances out!

Kath

Oh, then there is your "welcome mat". (pointing to Kim's lower back)

Kim

What?

Kath

Oh, the unsightly patch of hair just there.

Sharon

To be honest, I think you look like mutton dressed as lamb.

Kath

Well, thank you for noticing Sharon!

Kath

No kiss, no coach, no kiss, no coach, it was like a nightmare!

Kim

Why didn't you just kiss him?

Kath

I really want something elegant, you know. Something, I dont know, maybe a cocktail party. You know, with some hot suggestions.

Kim

Yeah, yeah, yeah! We can have those classy cocktails. I've had them all, Sixtey-Niner, Slow Screw Against The Wall, Sex On The Beach.

Kath

Yeah? What about an "orgasm"?

Kim

No, I've never had one of those.