Ethan quotes from JPod

Ethan

(whispering) Kill that Cowboy.

Ethan

I don't need your help Greg (takes Greg's cellphone) I'm going to call this "Kam Fong"

Ethan

So is he coming for the refugees or the furniture.

Ethan

Hi, I'm Ethan Jarlewski. I work here in the jPod as the Gore Specialist. Basically I find new ways of inserting carnage and violence in video games while conforming to quality codes.

Dude that's so boring. Talk about your love life.

Ethan

I'm not talking about my love life. My favourite room temperature is... This is pretty good. Cowboy where are we at now?

21.7 degrees Celsius.

Ethan

Make that 71 degrees Fahrenheit. I hate metric. I don't want to talk about it.

Talk about your love life.

Ethan

Okay, my love life. I've had my heart broken twice and lately I've been wondering if there is even such a thing as "The One" and that scares me. And that's enough of that. Happy, Cowboy! (gets up). So yeah Steve I'm here to serve your vision. We here at Jpod are a go get and bunch.

Ethan

Ugh, I think I'm going to be sick.

Carol

C'mon Ethan you're the gore specialist.

Ethan

Video games aren't real. This is a real live dead body.

Carol

And you think I don't know that! He was under my eyes when he died. Well at least he isn't punctured or bleeding or anything.

Ethan

Mom!

Carol

Oh yes Ethan I know its horrible. I killed a man in that basement.

Ethan

Ugh, mom don't look.

Carol

What is it.

Ethan

Birds chewed out his eyeballs.

Ethan

Mom, we can't just leave him out here as a smorgasbord for wild animals. We got to do what people do with dead bodies. We have to bury it.

Carol

Well then lets hop to it.

Ethan

But I'm getting a server upgrade.

Carol

Ethan! If you were in this situation, I'd find a good place to bury you.

Ethan

Gee, thanks.

Greg

He says that's his lamp.

Ethan

I bought that on sale at Pottery Plantation!

Greg

Uh, I mean he actually made it in his factory south of Beijing.

Ethan

Greg's trafficking in humans, this doesn't bother you?

Carol

Ethan, you're a grown man, don't be a nark, no one likes a nark.

(whispering to Ethan) NARK!

Kam Fong! I beep, you talk!

Ethan

Hello this is Ethan, Greg's brother. Thank you for the furniture but I am still in my Ikea stage of life. I didn't ask for this, I don't need it, and I don't want it.

Ethan

Crotches and hot coffee only mean one thing to me. Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Ho's, blow and insane stunt bonuses.

Hot coffee

Ethan

Hot coffee

What are you guys talking about?

Kaitlin, hot coffee is a euphemism for sex. It was a secret mini-game coded into the video game. Players with the right downloaded mod could have up to six girlfriend and basically plow the daylights out of them between crime sprees. And yes, fellatio was involved.

John

If you could have one superpower, which one would you have? Ethan?

Ethan

Mind reading

That is so incredibly vanilla.

John

Kaitlin?

I'd like to be able to tell when someone is lying.

Really? That's what I'd want.

Because then you'd know when a guy was lying to you?

Why else? Men can be so secretive.