Jonathan quotes from Jonathan Creek

Maddy

It's no sweat, y'know. I'll work it out for myself. I've seen everything you've seen. I'm not a complete and utter moron.

Maddy

Yes?

Jonathan

I never said anything.

Maddy

Look, just give me a leg-up to get me started. Please? Just one tiny hint?

Jonathan

Look to Eric's Spam sandwich. It contains the key to the whole affair.

Did it ever occur to you that someone could have cut it without actually being in the room? Using a high-powered laser through the glass in the ceiling.

Maddy

You are Kidding!

Jonathan

Of course I am, the idea's ridiculous. In fact the way this was worked was so sublimely simple, when I tell you, you'll wonder why you didn't get it in five seconds flat.

Jonathan

How come when I stay at your place you get the bed and I get the sofa, but when you stay at my place you still get the bed and I get the sofa?

Maddy

Because you were being terribly chivalrous and gentlemanly and very solicitous of my welfare [Pause] Don't I get anything to eat?

Maddy

Where do you keep your salt?

Jonathan

See that cupboard just above you? Top Shelf. Right at the back... there's a leaflet from the hospital explaining why it's bad for your arteries.

Jonathan

I'm trying to achieve a level of abstract thought here. Trying to prise this whatever-it-is out of my memory.

Maddy

Well what is it? Let me have a go.

Jonathan

I told you, I can't put it into words. It's purely intuitive. It's just a feeling. It won't come into focus until it's ready.

Jonathan

But what you see isn't always what's happening. And what you all saw that night, I've got a horrible feeling, was a very brilliantly conceived hoax.

Maddy

Here we go, he's gonna tell us how it was done.

I'm sorry about the neanderthal tactics of my two constables. They were under the impression they were bringing a suspect in.

Jonathan

So I gather. I confessed to two armed robberies before we reached the first set of traffic lights.

Jonathan

What was it Sherlock Holmes said to Watson?

Maddy

Get your kit off and give us a kiss?

Jonathan

(To Adam, who is buried underground) You all right down there still? Your brain's not getting starved of oxygen or anything?

Adam

(Drowzily) Who is this?

Jonathan

It's me, Adam.

Adam

Right. I knew that, of course. And tell me Adam, how long have I been down here?

Jonathan

Just coming up to four days now and, to be honest, I think the disorientation is starting to kick in.

Maddy

So what's the story on this mother of hers, Marella Carney, the 'Black Canary'? She was big business back in her day, wasn't she?

Jonathan

The problem with Marella Carney was that most of her tricks relied upon the fact that she had a twin sister.

Maddy

Don't be ridiculous.

Jonathan

Who, from what I hear, did all the difficult bits. Marella was claustrophobic, so it was her sister who had to climb into all the cabinets and coffins. You can do amazing stuff when you work with a double, but it's not exactly a test of ingenuity.

Maddy

You're telling me there were two of them? They kept that quiet, didn't they?

Jonathan

Well they're hardly going to put in the program notes, are they? 'NB: whilst miraculously escaping from a locked trunk, Miss Carney will be assisted by her twin sister Beryl!' Anyway that was all before the accident of course.

Maddy

What accident?

Jonathan

It's a bit on the grisly side. Best not discussed.

Maddy

[Forcefully] What accident?

Jonathan

Not sure you've got the stomach for it.

Maddy

I've got the stomach for it? Don't give me that macho protective number!

Jonathan

Rehearsals one day for one of their big routines. Sister Beryl's strapped down to a bench with an electric buzz saw coming at her. [Maddie looks queasy] Mechanism jammed, the thing just kept coming. She was literally sawn in half.

Maddy

Oh my god!

Jonathan

Lengthways.

Maddy

LENGTHWAYS!?

Jonathan

How anyone can drive a car at this time of year without a windscreen washer.

Maddy

It's got a windscreen washer!

Jonathan

Yeah, but it's not much use on the back seat is it?

Maddy

The guy who was gonna fit it did a runner, it's not my fault. A bit of fresh air won't harm you.

Maddy

I thought I might be useful.

Jonathan

What as? A contraceptive!

Have you ever slept in a castle with a moat before?

Jonathan

I once passed out in front of a block urinal.