Jonathan quotes from Jonathan Creek

Jonathan

My big passion. The golden age of illusion: Robert Houdin, Makelyne, Devant. I was born a hundred years too late, basically.

Jonathan

People beg me to explain something; it's the last thing they want to hear, 'cause you're disproving a miracle. Houdini walked through a wall two bricklayers had built onstage: People swore he had the power to dematerialise. You find out he he used a trapdoor under a carpet, it's too mundane: you feel cheated. That's all magic is, an illusion.

Jonathan

We mustn't confuse what's impossible with what's implausible. Just about everything I dream up for a living relies on stuff that's highly implausible. That's what makes it so hard to work out; no-one thinks you'd go to that much trouble to fool your audience.

Jonathan

You mean Pot Pourri? One of the biggest cons of the Twentieth Century. People pick it up in a shop, what's the first thing they do? [Mimes sniffing a bowl of Pot Pourri] "mmm, smell this one! That's sensational! I'll have some of that!" Of course it is if you shove your face in it. Put some in a bowl in the middle of the room, you can't smell a bloody thing. There should be a label on the packet "only effective when inserted up nostril"

Jonathan

So the deal, as I see it, is this: If I come up with a solution that leads to the killer's arrest, by next week I'm highest new entry on the Tong's UK death list. Not much of an incentive really.

It's called a Steadicam. It eliminates jerks.

Jonathan

So does Clint Eastwood, I wouldn't want him strapped to my chest.

[Seeing Jonathan's collection] I take it this is a disease that struck in childhood?

Jonathan

I never wanted to be a magician as such; swanning about with silk hankies. It was... I dunno... The ingenuity at the back of it. Always fascinated the hell out of me.

You know Jack Holliday died?

Jonathan

Yeah, it's the only thing he ever did that made me laugh.

Oh, that's great! The poor man's dead!

Jonathan

I bet that won't stop him overacting, though.

Jonathan

I nearly rang you. I'd get as far as the last digit, but something would always stop me. I suppose it was the thought of getting sucked into another one of your grisly murder investigations. You know how you always fear the worst

[laughs brightly]

Jonathan

Stop this car.

Jonathan...

Jonathan

[scoffing] 'Flush out the carbon monoxide with some sea air'?

Jonathan

No Time to Lose.

Right. Where are we going?

Jonathan

Anywhere! As far away from here as possible. That could have been my head skewered to the matress!

Now just hang about. You can't tell me you've unravelled this whole thing and then bugger off! What kind of spineless cretin are you?

Jonathan

No special kind. Just your average cretin... with a train to catch.

Jonathan

[After checking out the wardrobe] Nope. All seems pukka. No panels, no breakaways, no phantom joints... just a wardrobe really. [Pause] You want to know how it was done?

Yes.

Jonathan

That makes two of us.

[Indicating the french windows of the house beyond the gate] That's the one, then. You could hardly miss her from here, so when she pressed this bell, someone must have let her in. [Presses intercom button]

Jonathan

What are you doing?

We've got to check it out.

Jonathan

I can't go in there!

Why not?

Jonathan

Roy Pilgrim!? I can't meet Roy Pilg...you're talking about mythology. You reduce someone like that to flesh and blood and the whole thing is destroyed, the whole icon.

Jonathan, you're beginning to sound like a prat.

Jonathan

Sorry.

[Over the intercom] What does it take to make you go away?

Look, I'm sorry about yesterday (She posed as a detective), but I'm really quite interested in helping you actually. If you'd just take a minute to let us in.

What are you?

Right now Mr Pilgrim? We're the only hope you've got.

Maddy

Come on, I've admitted defeat. Let's get on with it; the bit you enjoy, treating me like a moron.

Jonathan

No. The bit where you enjoy making me feel like I'm treating you like a moron. When you're perfectly capable of reasoning it out for yourself if only you'd stop taking things at face value.

Maddy

I'm sorry, Jonathan, what level of surrealism are we operating on here?

Jonathan

Y'see, this is where you and everyone else give up. You're making the big mistake of sticking to what's likely rather than what's logical.

Jonathan

She made all of the moves and now I'm boxed in. We've got nothing whatsoever in common and if I try and break it off she'll think it's because of you know what [her baldness]. Which she's obviously very sensitive about.

I'm not surprised! Didn't you get suspicious when you were running your fingers through her hair and she wasn't even in the room?!