“Black Canary” quotes from Jonathan Creek

Adam Klaus

[To Jonathan] I always thought your love life would make a great play by Samuel Beckett, a great nihilistic quality it has.

Maddy

So what's the story on this mother of hers, Marella Carney, the 'Black Canary'? She was big business back in her day, wasn't she?

Jonathan

The problem with Marella Carney was that most of her tricks relied upon the fact that she had a twin sister.

Maddy

Don't be ridiculous.

Jonathan

Who, from what I hear, did all the difficult bits. Marella was claustrophobic, so it was her sister who had to climb into all the cabinets and coffins. You can do amazing stuff when you work with a double, but it's not exactly a test of ingenuity.

Maddy

You're telling me there were two of them? They kept that quiet, didn't they?

Jonathan

Well they're hardly going to put in the program notes, are they? 'NB: whilst miraculously escaping from a locked trunk, Miss Carney will be assisted by her twin sister Beryl!' Anyway that was all before the accident of course.

Maddy

What accident?

Jonathan

It's a bit on the grisly side. Best not discussed.

Maddy

[Forcefully] What accident?

Jonathan

Not sure you've got the stomach for it.

Maddy

I've got the stomach for it? Don't give me that macho protective number!

Jonathan

Rehearsals one day for one of their big routines. Sister Beryl's strapped down to a bench with an electric buzz saw coming at her. [Maddie looks queasy] Mechanism jammed, the thing just kept coming. She was literally sawn in half.

Maddy

Oh my god!

Jonathan

Lengthways.

Maddy

LENGTHWAYS!?

Jonathan

How anyone can drive a car at this time of year without a windscreen washer.

Maddy

It's got a windscreen washer!

Jonathan

Yeah, but it's not much use on the back seat is it?

Maddy

The guy who was gonna fit it did a runner, it's not my fault. A bit of fresh air won't harm you.

I can smell guilt on a man like dung on a donkey.

Maddy

I thought I might be useful.

Jonathan

What as? A contraceptive!