Mary Shannon quotes from In Plain Sight

Mary

When were you going to tell me?

Marshall

Actually, I was going to mail it to myself so you could read it.

Mary

Marshall. Marshall! Can you hear me?

Marshall

I must have bumped my head.

Mary

Yeah, that's what happened. Then you fell on a bullet.

Marshall

Huh?

Mary

You doofus, you got shot.

Marshall

Oh, crap.

Mary

What do you think?

Marshall

I think if that really was Lola, she knows this is her only shot at Mr. Personality before he talks to the feds.

Mary

Which means she's coming back.

Marshall

Dun, dun, duh.

Mary

That's pretty funny for a guy with a sucking chest wound.

Marshall

I know.

Mary

How are we doing?

Marshall

Tension pneumothorax.

Mary

That's funny. I was just going to say that.

Marshall

Tube thorocostomy.

Mary

Marshall, if I'm going to help you, you need to speak English.

Marshall

No. Not exactly. Look, it's nothing like what you think.

Mary

Oh yeah? Well you should probably explain, because I'm pretty confused. I know you love the job and I thought you—I thought we were friends.

Marshall

We are. You're my best friend.

Mary

Jesus, Marshall, you're like my only friend.

Marshall

I know, and you're like my only friend.

Mary

So? Sounds like a pretty good arrangement. What's the problem?

Marshall

The problem with us is—

Mary

Please just tell me.

Marshall

I feel like I'm the keeper of this exotic animal, and I spend my time either protecting you from the world or the world from you. And it's just—it's a lot of responsibility.

Mary

I'm sorry. But that's your job. [Kisses him on the cheek] And you cannot quit.

Marshall

Okay.

Marshall

What exactly is your beef with humanity?

Mary

I have no beef with humanity. It's people I can't stand.

Okay, what is taking you so long? Can't you go any faster?

Mary

I could, but then I'd miss the fun of watching you lapse into hysteria.

Marshall

Man, every time I walk into a gym it gets my blood up.

Oh, did you play?

Marshall

Badminton. We played our tournaments here. See this scar? Shuttlecock injury. Ended my career.

Is he kidding?

Mary

I don't know. Either way, it's pathetic.

Excuse me. [Leaves]

Mary

Way to work shuttlecock into the conversation, jackass.

Marshall

It's one of the funnier words.

Mary

Hey there, Socrates. What brings you to these hallowed halls? Boning up on your philosophy? Taking an oral exam? Having sex with your old professor?

Marshall

Okay, get it out of your system.

Mary

Look at you. All blushy.

Jinx

[Holding an old photograph of Mary and her father] Look at this one. I think you were four, maybe five here.

Mary

I don't remember this.

Jinx

Your father hit corner at Belmont, went shopping at Berghoff's. Eight dollars for a little girl's dress. I almost killed him. The way he fawned. Isn't that crazy? A mother being jealous of her four-year-old daughter.

Mary

He called me ma'am.

Marshall

Yeah, but he was looking down your shirt when he said it.

Mary

Why are you being so nice to me?

Mary

I’m sorry, but that stewardess had a bad attitude, plain and simple. I don’t know how you can defend that behavior.

Marshall

Did it ever occur to you that perhaps our flight attendant didn’t appreciate being called “stewardess”?

Mary

Yeah, well, I didn’t particularly appreciate our stewardess hitting on my travel companion. Just assuming we weren’t a couple. Crap! Damn it! [Raph physical therapy 3:30]

Marshall

You must be the best girlfriend.

Marshall

And for the record, there was no "hitting on" taking place. Just a little bit of old fashioned common courtesy.

Mary

Really? So you think an invitation to join the mile high club is old fashioned? All right, maybe that's what passes for courtesy these days. Just not what I'd call kickin' the friendly skies old school. And by the way...if the stewardess finds the job title so objectionable, maybe he should have chosen another line of work.

Mary

Please explain, in God's name, why you two don't get a divorce. You make each other miserable. Please don't say it's because you're catholic. Lots of catholics get divorced these days. Hell, I'm catholic, I plan on getting divorced one day.

It'll be a lucky man who divorces you.

Mary

Damn straight.

Mary

He was one of the few truly good, selfless people I've ever met.

Marshall

You know, Ayn Rand's central thesis posits that selflessness is antithetical to good.

Mary

A hundred bucks says you die a lonely old man.

Shhhhh.

Mary

What?! I just spent two days running all over creation thinking you were kidnapped or dead! Half the hobos in Albuquerque are in mourning and Cook's facing murder charges, and you have the balls to shush me?