Holby City Season 1 quotes

A sygmoidoscopy?

Ric

Yeah, it’s where we put a camera-

I know exactly what one is, you don’t think I got this far without having one?

Ric

It’ll help me find the cause of the bleed.

I’ll tell you the cause. I have a tumor the size of a puppy wedged in the middle of my giblets. That much I do know.

Ric

If I can find the cause of the bleed, then I might be able to do something about it.

I checked out of hospital, dodged hospice, hid away in a hotel suite, in order to avoid anything medical. You think I’m going to let you stick a scope up my sheriff’s badge? Jog on, Ric- what? What? What’s funny?

Ric

I’d forgotten just how funny you are.

And I'd forgotten what a stiff you are. Look: Whack me full of heavy duty morphine and stick me in a side ward. Please.

Ric

Nope. Not until I’ve conducted a thorough examination of your bowel.

God. You always were a silver-tongued bastard.

Where are you going?

I’m trying to make my way to the loo, if you must know.

Well you’d be better of waiting in bed-

No-

I’ll get you a nurse and-

No-

-a bedpan, and-

I said no.

OK. You’re a feisty one, aren’t you?

I’m about to have my bowel removed and a bag fitted. This may possibly be the last occasion I get to sit on a toilet and go out of the appropriate holes. I am not. Using. A bedpan.

Don’t think of it as an extension of you; think of it as a completely separate entity.

Jac

I want you to know, this is making me feel exceptionally uncomfortable.

Jac

Aligning my imminent behaviour with that of a serial killer.

Jac

[wielding a sock puppet and putting on a silly voice] Hello, I’m Jacqueline and I like kickboxing and motorbikes and what do you like?

[stares blankly for a beat and then dissolves into giggles] I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It was like watching a llama play the guitar!

Jac

Shut up. Have your sock back!

Tara Lo

Darwin Central! All change!

Come on, put your back into it, woman - ONWARDS!

Tara

Ooh, you're really heavy! You've put on weight, Ollie.

I am moderately underweight, I'm afraid...

Tara

You're rotund.

ONWARDS!

There's a conference of statisticians at the hotel.

What are the chances?

This was the joke I made!

[Sees Tara has not put on her surgical gown] OI!

Tara

No.

Come on, it's part of the costume.

Tara

Don't want it.

Yeah, not so much an ask thing, more of a telling-

Tara

Don't want it!

Put the gown on.

Tara

You put the gown on!

Tara

What are they talking about?

At a guess - football?

Tara

[swallowing her pre-op meds] Urgh, they're horrible.

You think they're horrible? Check out these bad boys! [holds up surgical socks]

Tara

Urgh, you're joking! How'd I not know about them?

We don't mention them.

Tara

[putting on her gown] Is my bum showing?

Splendidly!

Tara

Ollie, I have to work with these people!

Do you think even vaguely that airway care could be compromised by a combination of a common cold, mild asthma and Sufentanil?

Henrik

Who's saying this?

Her mother; she pieced it together off the internet.

Henrik

Oh, I went on the internet once; I discovered I had hepatitis and dengue fever.

Thank you.

Are you even my dad, then?

What?

Or is that some kind of sick joke?

Jake - what's going on?

Oh look just forget it. Ask that stuck-up toffee-nosed doctor.

That doesn't really narrow it down, Jake!

[to Tara during surgery] How do you feel?

Tara

Sick!

Well you won't be; they've given you an anti-emetic.

Hello. What's my name?

Tara

Roxana.

And what's his name?

Tara

Bumhead!

Tara

[sedated] Am I being funny?

You're being very funny.

Tara

So we agree, I am the funny one?

You're the funny one when you're on a massive dose of relaxants, yes.

Tara

[laughing] I feel good! [singing] I feel good - derderderderderderder - I knew that I would - derderderderderderder - I feeeel good - derderderderderderder - I knew that I would - derderderderderderder -

[singing] So good -

Tara

Er-er -

[singing] So good -

Tara

Er -

[singing] I got you - bah bah bah bah baaaah...

Does this happen often?

Could you write something, please?

Tara

Oh here we go - Saturday School! [Lin holds up pad with a Chinese character drawn on it] I don't know, I'm rusty.

You know this. [Tara looks confused]

It's fine; it's a lot to take in.

Tara

I don't remember.

It's OK; don't panic.

Tara

What's that smell?

What smell?

Tara

Like - pencil? Strawberries...

[to Lin] Don't worry, this has happened before.

OK, possibly complex partial seizure. Can happen in the mapping procedure. Let's anaesthetize her please.

She had a strawberry pencil - from my parents.

Tara

[looking at the pad again] It says love! Love...

I am your Dad, J!

How's that work, then?

What, you really want me to go into details?

No.

Look - it happened... later, yeah? After I met your mum.

How can you be sure, then?

Because you're a difficult, stubborn lickle pickney, and it doesn't come from her, right?

Jac

What are you doing sneaking about?

I could ask you the same question.

Jac

It's my office.

Why are you in the dark? Is that a muffin?

Jac

My precious!

What's going on with you? You've been acting weird for weeks.

Jac

At leas I'm not having a complete nervous breakdown.

Neither am I! [Jac gives him a look] Any more!