Ralph Malph quotes from Happy Days

Ralph

I really dig intellectual girls, especially that one. I love the way her mind fills her sweater.

Richie

She said she'd do something desperate.

Ralph

How desperate can you get in a ladies' room?

Richie

Do you know what's in a ladies' room?

Ralph

No, do you?

Potsie

Now, I'm desperate. Can't you set me up, Ralph?

Ralph

Oh, sure. I got a great girl for you.

Potsie

Who?

Ralph

Her name's Marlene.

Potsie

What if she has a date?

Ralph

Who would date Marlene?

You know, I could use a good, strong kid like you. Ever think of becoming a burglar?

Ralph

If I don't get into dental school, you'll be the first one I call.

Richie

Since when is politics the key to sex?

Ralph

Are you kidding? I heard about a guy who was canvassing in '52. He rang a lady's doorbell and didn't come out till '54.

Richie

We're gonna go cruising and see if we can catch onto some new talent.

Potsie

Why don't you drop Mary Anne, and come with us?

Not me. You know the old saying, "A bird in the hand ..."

Ralph

Yeah, but what you have is a dog on a leash.

Ralph

I don't get it. Two red-headed gods and she picks Potsie Weber. Maybe she feels sorry for him.

Richie

No, she doesn't know him the way we do.

Ralph

With a divorcée, all you gotta do is establish a relationship.

Richie

With a glass of water?

Ralph

It's a start, Rich, it's a start. It gets you inside the house. Then, you charm your way into her private quarters. From there, you're just one subtle move away from paradise.

Richie

You go from a glass of water to paradise?

Fonzie

Yeah, just wait 'til my bongo solo.

Ralph

[glancing at the others] We don't have a bongo solo. [Fonzie glares at him] Oh, but we'll put one in, Fonz! Right guys?

Potsie

We didn't get the job, I know it.

Ralph

You'd better be wrong. I already spent the money we didn't earn from the last job we didn't get.

Ralph

What do you think we should do?

Fonzie

I think we should rake him over the coals until he cries wolf.

Potsie

Isn't that a mixed metaphor?

Fonzie

Do you think he's gonna know the difference?

Ralph

Are your glands swollen?

Richie

Well, I don't go around feeling my glands.

Ralph

[to Potsie] Irritability, that's another symptom! [feels behind Richie's ears] Could be swollen. Why didn't I wear rubber gloves?

Ralph

Last week, I went into Pinney's office. He was blowing in her ear! He tried to cover up by saying he was demonstrating his perfect pitch.

Richie

You just have a suspicious mind.

Ralph

My mind's not suspicious, just dirty.

Ralph

If you snore, you're gonna get a pillow down your throat.

Potsie

Well, you'd better stay on your side of the bed.

Ralph

What's that supposed to mean?

Potsie

I don't know. That's what my mom tells my dad.

Fonzie

WHOA!

Fonzie

Correct-amundo.

Sit on it!

Richie

Hey, Bucko!

Richie

Yowsah, Yowsah, Yowsah!

Ralph

I still got it!

Yeeeep, yep yep yep yep yep...

Wah, wah, wah!

Joanie

What a hunk!

Marion

Are you getting frisky, Howard?

Howard

Jiminy Crickets!

You've got to get a name. (This is in reference to Richie's nameless rock band)