RRoger
[Repeatedly] My name is Roger.
RRoger
[Laughs] Hey. Hey. Fancy seeing you out here. You out for that bounty, too, huh?
Yep. [Roger snarls and wails] Oh, shit. How you feeling?
RRoger
Oh... you know... it’s hard out here. Dang smoothies can be so unkind. [Pants] I see you got a smoothie of your own. [Snarls]
RRoger
[Grunts] Yeah. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. [Chuckles] Hey, you- you don’t happen to have any vials, do you? [Sniffles] Just one little puff and I’ll be back on my feet. You know I’m good for it.
I’m sorry, Roger. I’m all out.
RRoger
That’s okay. That’s okay. Though, um, you and your smooth-faced friend, you, um... might want to clear out... before things get ugly. [Snarls] I did okay. Twenty-eight years since I first started showing. [Yells] Oh, hell. [Grunts] Not as long as you, though. You’ve outlasted us all. How long since you first started wastelanding?
RRoger
That’s a lot of vials.
Well, I’ve always been good at making money, Roger. [Exhales] Say...you remember how good food used to taste?
RRoger
Yeah...BlamCo Mac & Cheese!
RRoger
Apple pie! [Laughs] Hot damn. Apple pie. You know, my mom used to — [The Ghoul shoots Roger in the head]
Wait... why’d you do that?! He was sick! [The Ghoul flips Roger's body over, reaches for orthodontics tools and pulls out a tooth from Roger] Stop! Stop, stop! Please! I... No, I know it’s hard up here, but you don’t... you don’t have... you don’t have to resort to... to...
What’d you say your name was?
MacLean? Huh. Well, Lucy MacLean, it ain’t all canned peaches and marmalade left up here, sweetheart. Sometimes a fella’s got to eat a fella.
You know, my vault has endured hardship, too. In the Great Plague of ’77, everyone had to quarantine, they couldn’t work the farms together. People starved. My mother included. My dad dropped to 128 pounds, and he still refused to do anything like this. [The Ghoul laughs] What? What’s so funny?
Well, there’s what people say they did and what they really did. I’ll bet your daddy was first in line at the cookout. I bet he had a bib with a drawing of his neighbor’s ass on there.
How do you live like this?! Why keep going?!
Well, one good question deserves another. Why the fuck am I doing all the work? Now come on, Vaultie. Ass jerky don't make itself.
There you are. Thought you might be up here. Made pie if you’d like a piece. I was there the first time that you tried rhubarb pie and ice cream. You sure did like pie that day.
You came here to talk to me about what I said at the assembly.
And why do you think that is?
You don’t like it when people get upset.
You’re not the only one that feels the absence of your father. People here are hurting. Disoriented. And with your sister gone, you’re the last standing MacLean. Your voice carries more weight than you might realize.
I hid. During the raid, I got in a storage space and I hid.
Does that make you angry?
Regular boys... can get angry and they’ll just pee on the wall. When clever boys like you are angry... Hmm. You’re lucky not to have seen where that can lead. Just tread lightly. That’s all I ask.
[Lucy dives into rain bucket drinking up] Now you’re getting it. How does that Golden Rule jibe with what’s going through your head right now?
Oh, I’m you, sweetie. You just give it a little time. [Lucy runs away with The Ghoul] Where you think you going? You ain’t going nowhere. There you are, you little killer.
[The Ghoul cuts off her right hand index finger] Aah!
Now, that right there is the closest thing we’ve had to an honest exchange so far.
[Speaking into intercom] Transaction.
Two-month supply of vials. Exchange one female. Mint condition. [Turns off intercom, glances at Lucy, then turns on intercom] Near mint condition.
AAttendant
Condition grading requires physical evaluation. Please send her in.
You’re about to find out.
You got problems out here, too, sweetheart. Best you try your luck behind that door. Go on.
SSSnip-Snip
Fudge? There’s no fudge here. Only a General Atomics International Mark 4. That’s what I am. You seem to be a woman.
Please, sir, my name is Lucy MacLean. My dad’s been taken and I- I- I’ve been kidnapped. [Stammers] He’s right outside.
SSSnip-Snip
I say, you’ve lost a finger. Ah, that won’t do at all. Let’s get you taken care of. Follow me. Okay. Apologies for the mess. Time flies by lately. Especially since my temporal sensors went out in the Great War. That must have been a week ago, at least. Would you mind taking a seat on that gurney in front of you? Now, what have we here? [Opens drawer to select severed fingers] Too fat, too withered. Ah, this one’ll do it. Eh, you’re lucky I don’t have to use a thumb. Our finger inventory’s in a sorry state. Now, if you give me your hand... Okay, you’re going to feel a slight pinch. [Sews finger onto her hand]
I really do appreciate this. But listen, a big fish ate my head, and I need my head to get back to my dad...
SSSnip-Snip
There now. That’s much better, isn’t it?
Thank you, that… Not a problem. That feels really, really nice.
SSSnip-Snip
Now, would you prefer a dressing of high-quality synthetic fibers, classic cotton, or a comforting synthetic-cotton blend?
SSSnip-Snip
Of course. Don’t you?
[Sighs softly] Thank you. You know, that... that creature that brought me here, he...
SSSnip-Snip
You seem unhappy.
He did not treat me very courteously.
When I pointed out that he wasn’t following the Golden Rule, he put a leash around my neck and he made me drink from puddle water that I’m pretty sure was just some kind of animal pee.
SSSnip-Snip
Well, that is interesting.
And I thought I was here to be a sex slave.
SSSnip-Snip
What?! No! What a disgusting idea! [Chuckles] I’m simply going to harvest your organs.
Huh? [Snip-Snip shoots Lucy with a tranquilizer dart, knocking her out]
SSSnip Snip
[Wheeling Lucy past the two dopehead supervisors on couch watching TV] Pardon the interruption. Our latest arrival has arrived.
SSquirrel
Oh, shit. What are they asking, Snip Snip?
SSquirrel
[Looks into box] We can do 60.
SSquirrel
Oh, do her now so she’s ready for the next pickup.
SSSnip Snip
Excellent idea as always, sir.
SSquirrel
Thanks, Snip Snip.
SSSnip Snip
Do excuse me.
...
SSSnip Snip
[Wheeling Lucy] Where are you from again? [Lucy groans] Never been there myself. Hope to go there someday soon. Here we are. Let’s get on with it, shall we? We don’t want to keep your associate waiting.
Sir, you can’t do this. Please, I need my organs.
SSSnip Snip
Now, don’t be afraid. A little snip-snip and it will all be over. Hold still now. This won’t hurt a bit. Excuse me. [Lucy kicks Snip-Snip's saw and then uses defribrillation paddles to shock Snip-Snip with it emitting garbled, overlapping phrases] There’s no fudge here. I am ever-ready to serve... to serve... to serve. [Appears to Squirrel and Huey watching TV with Snip-Snip] Do what I say and Snip-Snip doesn't get hurt!
[Squirrel and Huey stare blankly at Lucy]
SSquirrel
...It's a fuckin' robot.
HHuey
Yeah, you might as well be holding an air conditioner hostage.
SSquirrel
Well, an air conditioner would be a big deal, but you know what I mean.
HHuey
Totally. The question was, does she know what you mean?
Yeah. I think I do. That’s why I put Abraxo Draining Fluid in his syringes. Snip Snip, tell them what Abraxo does to the human body.
SSSnip Snip
If you’ve got a c- c- clog that’s full of muck, trust Abraxo Draining Fluid t- t- to get it unstuck. It’s v- v- very poisonous.
SSquirrel
Okay, you can walk out of here.
Not just me. Them, too. [Squirrel presses button and row of cages open freeing Ghouls]
SSquirrel
Lady, those-those ones, you don’t understand... [Lucy fires dart in between Squirrel and Huey] Whoa. [Squirrel presses button and another row of cages open]
Don’t be scared. You’re free. Go. [Latter freed Ghouls attack Squirrel and Huey killing them]
I thought I had it. I thought I had it, I really did. I thought I had it. It was just like… [Mimics whooshing with Maximus laughing] When you ripped that thing inside out and its guts went flying everywhere? I thought I was dead meat. That was really special.
[Distortedly] Yeah, it was kind of special.
Wait. You should brand me.
But I- I’m not officially your squire until you brand me.
Are you sure? It really hurts.
I want you to. I want you to. Please.
All right. Yeah, let’s do it.
It is your most sacred duty to protect the Brotherhood. After which, it is your most sacred duty to protect me, Knight Titus. Do you accept?
Oh, yeah. You bet I do. [Chuckles] Okay, hold still. [Sears Thaddeus's back with hot metal who screams and Maximus chuckles] Almost done.
[Laughs] Oh... Oh, man. [groans] Still pretty hot. Ah, thank you, Knight Titus.
I cannot wait to return to base and see the look on everyone’s faces when they see us return with the target. Oh, man. Titus and Thaddeus. The T-Boys! Yeah. [Exhales]
Hey, look, uh... before we go back to the... [chuckles] to the base... there’s probably something I... I- I should tell you.
Yeah. I mean, whatever you want. I’m officially your squire now. You can tell me anything. Goals, insecurities, thoughts, regrets. Love life stuff? I don’t care.
Actually, it’s, uh... [lifts visor] Maximus.
Uh- Uh, we can still be friends.
What did you do? Where’s Knight Titus?
Oh, he’s... he’s dead. So, you know... we... you and I, we- we just have to get our story straight before we go back.
No, I mean, they don’t have to find out.
It’s the Brotherhood! They’ll find out! I should have known better than to trust you!
I’m sorry. [Steps on Thaddeus's foot to restrain him] Stop moving!
[Grunts] Get off me! [takes the fusion core, shutting down Maximus' power armor]
Thadd... Thaddeus. No, don’t.. Don’t leave me in here. I’ll fucking kill you, Thaddeus!
You should have! Can’t believe I let you fucking brand me!
Thaddeus?! Don’t leave me here!
[Grabs Siggi Wilzig's head] This stinky old head’s mine now! [Walks away with duffel bag]
No! Get back here. Please. Please, please, no. Don’t leave me in here. Thaddeus! Get back here. Thaddeus! I’ll kill you! I swear I’ll kill you!
[After Lucy eradicates mutant cockroaches off his suit] Hey. Can you please let me out of here?
[Gasps] That was you, right? Back in Filly?
Yes, that was... that was me.
‘Cause someone stole my fusion core. Please, c- can you please let me out?
Believe me, I really want to trust you, but... I’ve had a rough week.
You, uh, remember that, uh, man I left with, with the glasses and the wh-whole body?
Yeah, I’m looking for his head. That’s why I’m here, that’s, um... I mean, that’s why I’m passing through. [Grunts]
Hey. You have radiation sickness. I got, I got RadAway left in the sleeve of my armor. You can have it if you let me out. [panting]
I really want to believe you, but... practically every person I’ve met up here has tried to kill me, so...
Listen. Hey. You don’t get this medicine, you’re gonna pass out. Okay? And if you lose consciousness, we’re both gonna die. Trust me, please.
Please. What’s your name?
There’s a manual option, you just...
I got it. [Observing Maximus's mobile battle suit] The T-60, right? The Army started using these after the Battle of Anchorage. I’ve seen these in old engineering manuals but never in real life. And you’ve even got the tempered lining in this one, which is... [Lucy passes out with Maximus catching her]
DDavey
[Turns to see Reg in a voting booth line up] I’m sorry, Reg. I just feel that in times of crisis... you need someone with experience.
Hey, it’s your vote. No hard feelings, Davey.
DDavey
Yeah. [Turns around then back again] You know, with the water crisis and the prisoners a- and just all the uncertainty...
Really, it’s fine. We vote in private booths for a reason.
DDavey
Right. [Turns around then back again pointing with voter card] And Betty’s already been overseer once.
Mm. [Motions to Davey for his turn at voting booth] Oh.
DDavey
I’m gonna vote for Betty.
[Walking along train tracks] At this rate, we’ll have caught up by sundown. Hey, can I ask you a favor?
Can you tell me what’s happened in the last 200 years?
Just the last 200 years. Like a- a quick rundown. I know about the Great War and the bombs falling, and the 320 years of American history before then. I just need help with the last 200 years. After the bombs fell.
The bombs fell when I was a kid.
Is that what they tell you in your Brotherhood?
You’re the one who grew up in a box underground. Also, you thought you would show up to some warlord with no armor, no help, and expect him to just turn over a hostage to you? Did you really think that that would work?
Yeah, but we don’t even know what’s in it.
That’s true. Look, I... I come from a place where the world is what you make of it. Okay? It’s not like up here. We’re naive down there. Up until I was six, I really thought that the big light on our farm was the sun. My mom used to take me to play out under that light, and I swear I could feel the sun baking my skin. After my mom was gone, I realized it was just her that made it all feel so real. So, like, Earth is round, Earth is flat. Where are you guys on that these days? So, you guys use prewar technology to find and collect prewar technology to make sure no one has prewar technology?
I mean... [chuckles] yeah.
Well, when you say it like that, I mean, yeah, it’s... [Maximus spots a couple walking onwards on train track and Lucy laughs] it’s weird. [Lucy realizes what Maximus is staring at]
Yes, we are. Are you armed?
We’re just gonna walk on by. That okay with you?
[Quietly] Give me your gun.
Rink; Okay, we’re walking towards you.
There’s no one here but us and them.
It’s not safe. Give me your gun.
They said they’re not armed.
They’re lying. You’re lying.
JJavin
What’s happening over there?
Yeah, we’re just being careful. You can come on through.
RRink
Are you trying to fuck us?
Okay, uh, I think we’re all feeling some tension. Yeah? A little stress? [nervous chuckle] Uh, so why don’t we all take a deep breath? [Nervously chuckles]
JJavin
What the fuck are you talking about?!
[Deeply exhales] Oh, okay, uh... we’re gonna do this. Um... How about on the count of three we all raise up our arms?
JJavin
We already said we don’t have any weapons.
Well, either way, could we... could we just give it a try? Please? Okay. Great. Uh, hands up on the count of three. Ready? One... Two... Three. [The couple attempts to shoot them with Maximus grabbing Lucy's gun finishing off both of them] Wh- Why?!
[Lifts up their jackets to find knives] Fiends. Should’ve known.
[Panting] You’ve been shot.
It’s just a scratch. Happens all the time.
It’s people who eat people.
[To Lucy] You smell good.
What? Oh. You want to have sex?
I don’t know. Uh, that weird thing could happen.
Well, it’s just, for some guys... not me... uh, but for some guys, you know, when they make it move, it gets all big and hard like a big pimple and then it pops. And they say it can happen to anybody, but it’s still, it’s... it’s gross.
You know, that’s... uh, that’s actually completely normal. It happens all the time. Every time, ideally.
I’m a knight. Um, a knight of the Brotherhood. We’re- we’re not supposed to.
Titus?! We need to talk...
You were right about this place.
TTitus
No. You were right. Check this out. These are called oysters. You want one? They make you feel so good. You want to make my cock explode now?
TTitus
Sorry, intercourse?
No, Titus. No, we need to leave. Right now. These people are insane.
TTitus
Yeah, they’re like you. A little weird, but nice.
TTitus
Plus, my arm. You know, I really... I ought to give it a little more time.
Okay. Titus, look, I get why you’d want to stay. Okay? I really do, I… I know this must all seem really nice compared to the-the shoot show that’s up there. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to go back on our deal and- and just be somewhere that is good and safe. But this isn’t it.
TTitus
They gave me a robe.
These people are hiding something from us and I’m gonna prove it to you, okay? I’m not leaving without you.
[Sneaks up and hugs Barb from behind]
Oh, how ’bout we clock out?
Huh? Nothing against these colleagues of yours, but what do you say you and me knock back a couple of piña coladas by the pool, listen to the hi-fi.
Mm. There is a wrap party.
What, a... a wrap party? For this?
[Sighs] All right. We go for a couple of hours, we shake a few hands…
[Sighs] The things I’m willing to do for you never cease to amaze me.
