Ellen Morgan quotes from Ellen

Ellen

I was sure we were gonna die.

And what were you feeling?

Ellen

Fear.

So you fear death?

Ellen

Yeah. I guess that's why they call me Crazy Ellen. That and a tremendous amount of guilt.

Guilt? About what?

Ellen

My whole life. Things I did do, things I didn't. Things I would've do but didn't do. Things I did do but shouldn't have done. Things I left undone and could've done but didn't do.

Ellen

Ever think about having a baby, Joe?

Joe

O.k., I know where this is going, but I'm sorry, Ellen, I could never have a child with a woman I don't love.

Ellen

I'm not asking you to have the baby with me.

Joe

I certainly can't have the baby without you.

Joe

Ellen, I know what you mean, I kinda miss Audrey too.

Ellen

Really?

Joe

Yeah, it's kind of a drag not having her here. She does all the work I don't wanna do.

Ellen

That would be all the work.

Joe

Well, yeah. It's like a nose hair. You hate it being there, but it hurts when you yank it out.

Spence

See, then you should write for Hallmark.

Ellen

I just think I'd be a really cool mom.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

Ellen

What could be so hard? I mean, you just remember everything you parents did – and then you do the opposite.

Ellen

There comes a point in your life when you just stop dreaming and you start doing.

Spence

Wait, I thought you were never supposed to stop dreaming.

Ellen

Don't confuse me, I know what I want now. And I've... I wanna take a shower.

Ellen

Joe, this is aweful, this is terrible. Do you see what's going on here? The Shapiros are up there performing their hearts out to get people to laugh. And you know what they're doing? They laugh at them. That is not funny.

Joe

Ellen, that's exactly what you wanted. The place is packed, you're making money.

Ellen

I can't take this money, it's blood money. The Shapiros think they're good. I feel like the guy who owned the Elephant Man.

Joe

Ellen, these people paid good money to see really bad act. Don't you think our customers deserve the worst?

All I know is I have to go through this. I mean, our friends are waiting down there, and we have paid for this wedding, and as far as kissing Spence, it is not that big of a deal, because we have done it before.

Ellen

What? What? What?

It was whe - It was when we -

Ellen

I'm not finished. What?

It was one of those things, for, if I didn't say it out loud, then maybe it's ain't really happened.

Ellen

Oh, yeah, yeah, so like, if a bra falls in the backseat of a car, and nobody there to hear it, maybe it didn't fall at all?

Ellen

Oh, I hope that's another phone.

No, no. I shot this, baby.

Ellen

Please tell me it was self defense.

We just sort of... fell out of love, I guess.

Ellen

So you fell out of love. You can fall back in love. It's like bell bottoms, wait 15 years it'll come back around again.

Honey, I wish there was some way we can make this easy for you, but we can't.

Ellen

This so out of nowhere. Put yourself in my shoes. What if I said something shocking to you like my whole life has been a lie, and I'm really... left-handed?

Oh God, you're a lefty?

Ellen

No I'm not...

Why don't we all take a seat... So, what's been going on?

One at a time, please.

Ellen

I think I should speak since I'm basically impartial. Okay. My parents are deeply in love. They're having some problems but their one wish is to stay together for the rest of my life. We all on board?

Ellen, this isn't easy to say, but I think it might help: I told you so.

I know a certain fruit headed girl who could use a Rourke Mickey right now. (Audry salps Ellen's head)

Ellen

Do you think this is helping? Have you ever seen the show Friends? They're supportive of each other.

Joe

Come on, let's grab a drink. I know a bar we'll be fit right in.

Ellen

I'm sure she had a perfectly good reason.

Joe

Yeah, yeah. Maybe she was marking her territory to keep other therapists out of the area.

Ellen

Okay, enough. We have been talking about this long enough. We are mature adults. Can we talk about something else? Has anybody read a book recently?

Joe

I did. I read this story, Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly.

Joe

I always thought the P in psychologist was silent.

Ellen

Good morning.

Not, for my nails it isn't. My manicurist up and left last night for her father's funeral, like, canceling my appointment is gonna bring him back?

Why don't we start with you telling me why you did this to your best friend?

Ellen

Page is her name. Hum, well, I didn't think it was gonna be that big of a deal and I thought it'd be kinda funny.

Did Page think it was funny?

Ellen

Well, okay. You know how sometimes people laugh so hard that they cry? It was like that without the laughter.