Joe quotes from Ellen

Can't you just take one night off and help me, please?

Ellen

Page, there are 250,000 homeless people on our streets who would love to take the night off.

Not if they had to spend it with you.

Ellen

Joe, what's everybody's problem?

Joe

Well, life is essentially meaningless, yet death terrifies us.

Ellen

Joe, relax. Nobody is looking for canadians.

Joe

Oh yeah, tell it to my friend Dylan. Ho, you can't, that's right, 'cause he's dead. Plugged from his cushy job as a lifeguard at Zuma Beach, taken up to The Yukon, thrown out of a moving truck with only his Speedos on. He froze to death before he hit the ground. (Joe removes his glasses and wipe tears)

Ellen

Joe, that's a sad story. Any of it true?

Joe

No.

Ellen

Ever think about having a baby, Joe?

Joe

O.k., I know where this is going, but I'm sorry, Ellen, I could never have a child with a woman I don't love.

Ellen

I'm not asking you to have the baby with me.

Joe

I certainly can't have the baby without you.

Joe

Ellen, I know what you mean, I kinda miss Audrey too.

Ellen

Really?

Joe

Yeah, it's kind of a drag not having her here. She does all the work I don't wanna do.

Ellen

That would be all the work.

Joe

Well, yeah. It's like a nose hair. You hate it being there, but it hurts when you yank it out.

Spence

See, then you should write for Hallmark.

Ellen

Joe, this is aweful, this is terrible. Do you see what's going on here? The Shapiros are up there performing their hearts out to get people to laugh. And you know what they're doing? They laugh at them. That is not funny.

Joe

Ellen, that's exactly what you wanted. The place is packed, you're making money.

Ellen

I can't take this money, it's blood money. The Shapiros think they're good. I feel like the guy who owned the Elephant Man.

Joe

Ellen, these people paid good money to see really bad act. Don't you think our customers deserve the worst?

Ellen, this isn't easy to say, but I think it might help: I told you so.

I know a certain fruit headed girl who could use a Rourke Mickey right now. (Audry salps Ellen's head)

Ellen

Do you think this is helping? Have you ever seen the show Friends? They're supportive of each other.

Joe

Come on, let's grab a drink. I know a bar we'll be fit right in.

Ellen

I'm sure she had a perfectly good reason.

Joe

Yeah, yeah. Maybe she was marking her territory to keep other therapists out of the area.

Ellen

Okay, enough. We have been talking about this long enough. We are mature adults. Can we talk about something else? Has anybody read a book recently?

Joe

I did. I read this story, Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly.

Joe

I always thought the P in psychologist was silent.

Joe

Spence, you should check out this performance artist show, she has the whole thing in the nude.

Spence

Wow, is it really good?

Joe

Spence, nude doesn't has to be good, nude just has to be nude.