Page quotes from Ellen

In a way it's good to have your hopes stashed, it's liberating. Takes the pressure off. Now I'm free to face each day for the joyless vacuum that it is.

Can't you just take one night off and help me, please?

Ellen

Page, there are 250,000 homeless people on our streets who would love to take the night off.

Not if they had to spend it with you.

Ellen

Joe, what's everybody's problem?

Joe

Well, life is essentially meaningless, yet death terrifies us.

Ellen

Haven't you ever had sex dreams about people?

Ellen, I'm a doer, not a dreamer.

I don't know about all this. It's just, it sort of seems like a big waste of time.

Ellen

What does?

You know, caring.

Page, have sex with me. Maybe my seed will live on with you.

Oh. If we're all gonna die how will your seed gonna live on with me?

I don't know, I read somewhere that women have an extra layer of fat. You are gonna survive longer in the cold.

Oh, that's supposed to be turning me on?

Ellen

I just think I'd be a really cool mom.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

Ellen

What could be so hard? I mean, you just remember everything you parents did – and then you do the opposite.

All I know is I have to go through this. I mean, our friends are waiting down there, and we have paid for this wedding, and as far as kissing Spence, it is not that big of a deal, because we have done it before.

Ellen

What? What? What?

It was whe - It was when we -

Ellen

I'm not finished. What?

It was one of those things, for, if I didn't say it out loud, then maybe it's ain't really happened.

Ellen

Oh, yeah, yeah, so like, if a bra falls in the backseat of a car, and nobody there to hear it, maybe it didn't fall at all?

Ellen, this isn't easy to say, but I think it might help: I told you so.

I know a certain fruit headed girl who could use a Rourke Mickey right now. (Audry salps Ellen's head)

Ellen

Do you think this is helping? Have you ever seen the show Friends? They're supportive of each other.

Joe

Come on, let's grab a drink. I know a bar we'll be fit right in.

Ellen

Good morning.

Not, for my nails it isn't. My manicurist up and left last night for her father's funeral, like, canceling my appointment is gonna bring him back?

Ellen

How could this happen? I mean, weren't you careful?

Well, of course. I don't know, what are the chances of this? It's like one in a million. You think we did it that many times?

Ellen

Yes, I do.

Remember that weekend we had a night picnic on the beach and I gave you those diamond earrings?

Matt, how do I say this? It's really over between us.

I know, that's why I want the earrings back.

Just give this one a shot, O.K.? I'm running out of lesbians.

Ellen

Well, you know, we're not reproducing like we used to.

Spence

I'm just saying: wait a week before you call, and then get her name slightly wrong, so you don't seem interested.

Ellen

Better yet: I'll wait a year and spit on her when I see her.

You know, I'm maybe old fashioned but I don't think the woman should ever call.

Ellen

That may not be practical on this case, Page.

I need you to be a part of the focus group.

Ellen

Focus group?

Mmm. When they go down to the mall, and they round up a bunch of yokels, you know, average people, like you. They sit around and they watch my show and whatever they like is in, and whatever they hate - out.

Ellen

Well, I don't get it. Wouldn't that lead to a lot of blend shows without originality or point of view? Ah, it all suddenly makes sense now.