Twelfth Doctor quotes from Doctor Who

Who invented this room?!

Doctor, please, you have to lie down.

It doesn't make sense. Look, it's only got a bed in it. Why is there only a bed in it?

Because it's a bedroom. It's for sleeping in.

Okay, what do you do when you're awake?

You leave the room.

So you've got a whole room for not being awake in? But what's the point? You're just missing the room.

I don't like it.

What?

Your face!

Well, I don't like it either! It's all right up to the eyebrows, then it just goes haywire! Look at the eyebrows. These are attack eyebrows. You can take bottle tops off with these!

They are mighty eyebrows, indeed, sir.

They're cross! They're crosser than the rest of my face. They're independently cross! They probably want to cede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows! Oh, that's Scots… I am Scottish. Haven't I? I've gone Scottish?

Yes, you are. You are definitely Scots, sir. I… I hear it in your voice.

Oh, no, that's good. [he practices the 'oh' sound] It's good I'm Scottish. I'm Scottish. I am Scottish. I can complain about things, I can really complain about things.

*coughs*

What's wrong?

I don't know. Maybe the smell?

I know. It's everywhere.

Where did you get that coat?

Er, ahem, I bought it.

From where?

Er, a shop

No.

Might have been a tramp.

You don't have any money.

Er, I had a watch.

No. That watch was beautiful.

[Wistfully] It was my favourite.

You swapped your favourite watch for that coat. That's maybe not a good deal.

Well, I was in a hurry. There was a terrible smell.

I'm the Doctor. I've lived for over two thousand years, and not all of them were good. I've made many mistakes, and it's about time I did something about that. Clara, I'm not your boyfriend.

I never thought you were.

I never said it was your mistake.

Wow, a molecular nano-scaler!

You know what it does, then?

It miniaturises living matter. What's the medical application, though? Do you shrink the surgeons so they can climb inside the patients?

Exactly.

Fantastic idea for a movie. Terrible idea for a proctologist.

This is Clara. Not my assistant. She's… er… some other word.

I'm his carer.

Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to.

Okay, listen up. Now, do not hold your breath when the nanoscaler engages. You’ll feel like you want to, but you must keep breathing normally during the miniaturisation process.

Why?

Ever microwave a lasagna without breaking the film on top?

It explodes.

Don't be lasagna.

Victory is yours. But it does not please you.

You looked inside me, and you saw hatred. That's not victory. Victory would've been a good Dalek.

I am not a good Dalek. You are a good Dalek.

Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned storybooks, Clara.

What about you?

Me?

Yeah. You. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. That sounds pretty heroic to me.

[modestly] Just passing the time.

You're not serious.

[amused] I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. Ha ha ha!

And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?

Not as yet.

Lucky I'm here, then, isn't it?

Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.

I don't have Clara.

Robin's one of yours.

What did you say?

He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.

Robin Hood is not one of mine.

Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.

Why would they do that?

To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.

[scoffs] Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.

Yes! [frowns, considering this] Yes, it would… Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea! Why would you do that? [stops] But he can't be… He's not real… He's a legend!

Too kind! And this legend does not come alone. (Clara pops up next to him and waves)

Hiya!

So, is it true, Doctor?

Is what true?

That in the future I am forgotten as a real man. I am but a legend.

I'm afraid it is.

Hmm… Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.

I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.

Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear--

Enough.

-- until one night he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight? Clara told me your stories.

[irritated] She should not have told you any of that.

[amused] Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think.

I'm not a hero.

Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be — ha ha — perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end. [they shake hands] Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.

Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.

And remember, Doctor… I'm just as real as you are.

[to Rupert] Are you scared? The thing on the bed, whatever it is… Look at it, does it scare you?

Yes.

Well, that's good. Want to know why that's good?

Why?

Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard -- I can feel it through your hands! There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it's like rocket fuel. Right now, you could run faster and you could fight harder. You can jump higher than ever in your life. And you are so alert, it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a super power! It's your super power! There is danger in this room, and guess what? It's you. Do you feel it? [Rupert nods. The Doctor nods at the creature on the bed] Think he feels it? Do you think he's scared? [Rupert shakes his head] [mockingly] Nah. Loser.

Don't be so pessimistic. It'll affect team morale.

What? And getting us blown up won't?

Only very, very briefly.

I still don't get why you're in charge.

Basically, it's the eyebrows.