Designing Women quotes

Julia

Good morning, Charlene. Mary Jo says you have some news for us.

Julia

Must be good news!

Suzanne

Charlene, if this is something stupid like Pam Ewing's coming back to Dallas, I don't want to hear it.

Charlene

I'm getting married!!

Julia

You're getting married?!!

Mary Jo

I didn't tell them! It just about killed me, but I didn't.

Julia

When did this happen?

Charlene

Friday night. I told Mary Jo already, but I couldn't get ahold of you, and I wanted to tell you all in one big swoop....I'm getting married!!

Julia

I'm so happy for you!

Suzanne

Oh, nice job, Charlene! Now....who're you marrying?

Charlene

annoyed Bill!!

Mary Jo

Suzanne....

Suzanne

Well, I thought so, but y'know it never hurts to ask.

Mrs. Sugarbaker! How 'bout you and I going out sometime? I bet I could pick up a thing or two from you.

Julia

Well, I doubt that, Kenny. But I might be able to offer you one piece of wisdom.

Oh yeah? What's that?

Julia

I believe that you will find as years go by, and you get older and wiser, traversing life's little ups and downs, that underwear probably really doesn't make all that good of a hat.(turning to Mary Jo and speaking loudly to be heard over the music) The powder room isn't really functional now. The keg is in the bathtub and it seems the tap is slow. This is a source of some concern for all the young men in there because they are trying to fill Craig's funnel. Craig, it seems, drinks his beer out of a funnel.

Charlene

Where the heck are you?

Julia

If you must know, Charlene, I'm at a keg party.

Charlene

Julia! I can't imagine you at a keg party! I mean . . . y'know, you have so much class.

Julia

That's just the point, Charlene. If you have class, you have it. It doesn't matter where you are or who you're with . . . and I have to go now because Craig is getting ready to drink out of the funnel.

Charlene

I love your son with all my heart, and I'll do anything to make him happy. But as much as I want to fit into his family, I'm just as proud of the one I come from.

Anthony

Suzanne, if you want one of my cookies, why don't you just ask?

Suzanne

Why should I do that for? I've been getting as many as I want without asking.

Julia

Don't try to reason with her, Anthony. Suzanne does not understand the concept of fairness. She only understands punishment and reward. If you don't want her to eat anymore of your cookies, I suggest you put a little mousetrap in there. Let it snap on her hand once, I guarantee she'll get the point.

Suzanne

Well all I'm saying is this better not turn out to be any kind of cheesecake, cause I just don't do cheesecake. I eat it, but I don't do it.

Julia

THAT'S IT!!!!

What? What are you saying?

Julia

I'm saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don't know any woman who does that, because it's stupid. And it doesn't have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they're always about. And it doesn't matter whether the clothes are on or off... it's just the same ol' message. And I don't care how many pictures you've taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we'll talk.

Anthony

What would you do if somebody was coming after you?

Charlene

Scream for help.

Anthony

Uh, uh. You can't depend on anybody helping you.

Charlene

Then I'd run away.

Anthony

You can't always get away.

Charlene

Well, then, I'd kill them with a rolled up magazine. I saw this thing on TV where spies learn how to kill somebody with a rolled up magazine.

Charlene

Suzanne, why are you so interested in this course now? I mean, you didn't even want to go the first time. Now every time I see you it's, "Charlene threaten me, Charlene come at me with a knife, Charlene mug me at the Ready Teller."

Suzanne

Okay, Julia, come on. Come at me with a knife. I dare you.

Julia

Suzanne, I appreciate your enthusiasm for our anti-mugging course, and I must admit that occasionally this week I have enjoyed choking you, but this is a place of business.

Julia

You know, I think that women are just about ready to say, if you come up to us with a gun or a knife, you better be prepared to use it right then and there, because we are not going anywhere with you. And we are not going to be dug up, raped and mutilated months later on some rural road. We are going to be prepared to stand and fight with dignity in the parking lots and the shopping centers and the driveways of America. But buddy, you better be prepared to do the same, because even at the very least, one of us is going to be walking funny.

Mary Jo

You know what gets me even more is that twisted ankle business. That is so annoying.

Suzanne

What twisted ankle business?

Mary Jo

Oh, you know how they always show some young blonde thing in high heels with her bosom popping out of the dress, you know, running away from some monster or killer or something, and she's doing pretty good, she's making pretty good time until *snap* she twists that ankle. And then she just lies there til the monster polishes her off. I mean, I guess that's what you get for having big breasts and running around on three inch stilts.

Suzanne

Well what do you want her to do, Mary Jo? Stand up and beat the tar out of Frankenstein?

Mary Jo

I want a movie where a woman with a gun knows how to use it, and doesn't let some man wrench it out of her wimpy little wrist. I want a movie where the hero is Charlene, not Charles Bronson.

Mary Jo

NO!!! Back off, buddy. Lay a finger on me and I'll kick you so hard your whole family will feel it. 9 - 1 - 1 !!!

Suzanne

I just cannot believe I got this stupid traffic ticket.

Anthony

What'd you get a ticket for?

Suzanne

Driving in a reckless manner by having all the mirrors on my vehicle turned towards myself.

Suzanne

It's been my experience, Julia, that no matter where you go...there you are.

I've gotta go to Mr. Fladbeau's office and ask if I can take my break now.

Julia

Can't you just take it?

Well, I only get one a week.

Suzanne

Don't worry about Mr. Fladbeau, I'll take care of that. You're not leaving this room.

Suzanne

Mr. Fladbeau! This is Suzanne Sugarbaker! Reggie Mac is taking his break now, thank you!!

Suzanne

A little crying, a little begging, it touches me and I never let it go unrewarded.