Elim Garak quotes from Deep Space Nine

Enabran Tain

How could this be? What could have happened?

I'm afraid the fault, dear Tain, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.

Enabran Tain

What?

Something I learned from Doctor Bashir.

[while sniping Klingons] I find this hand-to-hand combat really quite distasteful!

Gul Dukat

[duelling another Klingon] I suppose you prefer the simplicity of an interrogation chamber?!

You have to admit, it's much more civilized!

Well, let me guess. You're either lost, or desperately searching for a good tailor.

Guess again! (punches Garak)

Julian Bashir

I can't believe you're not pressing charges.

Constable Odo and Captain Sisko expressed a similar concern, but really, Doctor, there was no harm done.

Julian Bashir

They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavicle.

Ah, but I got off several cutting remarks, which no doubt did serious damage to their egos.

Julian Bashir

Garak, this isn't funny.

I'm serious, Doctor! Thanks to your ministrations, I'm almost completely healed, but the damage I did to them will last a lifetime.

Quark

What do you think?

It's vile.

Quark

I know. It's so bubbly and cloying and happy.

Just like the Federation.

Quark

And you know what's really frightening? If you drink enough of it, you begin to like it.

It's insidious.

Quark

Just like the Federation.

Do you think they can save us?

Quark

I hope so.

Interesting. You saved the day by destroying the world.

Julian Bashir

I'll bet they didn't teach you that in the Obsidian Order.

No. No, there were a good many things they didn't teach me. Like the value of a good game of chance. Or how indulging in fantasy keeps the mind creative.

Julian Bashir

Lunch tomorrow?

Of course. But why don't we have it at your place. In Hong Kong. Unless this was your last adventure.

Julian Bashir

Oh, I think it's safe to say that Julian Bashir, Secret Agent, will return.

Julian Bashir

You'll be fine. It's just a flesh wound.

That was awfully close. What if you'd killed me?

Julian Bashir

What makes you think I wasn't trying?

[Brightening] Doctor, I believe there's hope for you yet.

Is that your plan?

Julian Bashir

Shut up!

How was that?

Quark

Awful! [Garak looks offended] Did you hear that sound of bone snapping? I don't want that to be the last thing I hear!

[annoyed] It wasn't that loud.

Quark

You don't have these ears. Snapping vertebrae is out.

We're running out of options, Quark. You don't want to be vaporized because you need a body. The disruptor ruined your clothing, the knife was too savage, the nerve gas smelled bad, hanging took too long, and poison... What was wrong with poison?

Quark

It doesn't work. If I know the food is poisoned, I won't eat it. [motions to the "corpse"] Could you get rid of this? The sight of it is making me sick.

Computer, remove corpse. [it vanishes] For a man who wants to kill himself, you are strangely determined to live.

Quark

I'm going to die; don't you worry about that. I just want to find the right way.

"Right way"?

Quark

I don't want to see it coming, or hear it, or feel it, or smell it. I just want to go on with my life, and then... I'm dead.

Ah. You want to be surprised.

Quark

Exactly. I want to wake up in the Divine Treasury and have no idea how I got there.

I see. Perhaps that can be arranged.

Quark

Really?

You have my word. You'll never know what hit you.

There were no Cardassian survivors.

[shocked] You mean... they're all dead?

They're dead. You're dead. Cardassia is dead. Your people were doomed the moment they attacked us. I believe that answers your question.

It was a pleasure meeting you.

Odo

Interesting that a simple tailor should just happen to have a high-level security code.

Yes, isn't it? And if my nose didn't hurt so much, I'd tell you a fascinating story about how I came to possess it.

Odo

I see I'm going to have to add the word "pickpocket" to your resume.

It's only a hobby.

It's just that... you're intelligent and cultured... and kind.

My dear, you're young, so I realize that you're a poor judge of character.

Because lying is a skill like any other, and if you want to maintain a level of excellence, you have to practice constantly.

Worf

Practice on someone else.

You've come a long way from the naive young man I met five years ago. You've become distrustful and suspicious. It suits you.

Julian Bashir

I had a good teacher.