Penelope Garcia quotes from Criminal Minds

Garcia

He who seeks the "Queen of All Knowledge" speak and be recognized.

Reid

Garcia, we're sending you some cigarettes.

Garcia

Why not a flesh-eating virus? It'll be faster and far less painful.

Reid

We need some butts rushed to the lab for DNA analysis.

Garcia

Oh, Reid... I love it when you say "butts." Send away, sugar. Bang bang for now.

Morgan

Hey, Dollface, ready to work some magic for me?

Garcia

Challenge me, you beautiful behavioral analyst.

Reid

There's nothing in the juvenile offender records.

Garcia

So you think like a high school kid.

Reid

I was 12 and I hadn't been though puberty when I was in high school.

Garcia

Okay, reset. I think like a high school student. You think like a profiler.

JJ

Any more sign of Reid?

Garcia

He just posted the last murder online. It had over 17,000 hits in the first 20 minutes.

JJ

I wanna see it.

Garcia

No, you don't.

JJ

Don't tell me what I want and don't want. [Garcia looks at her in surprise] If I can't watch this, I have no business being in the field.

Garcia

JJ, it's not a competition.

JJ

I, I need to see it.

Garcia

If you stop being affected by things you [pauses for a moment] lose parts of yourself, you know?

Garcia

Are you lonely in the Lone Star State? And are you wearing chaps?

Morgan

Only in your dreams, Garcia.

Garcia

Oh, not necessarily. I have Photoshop.

Morgan

Hey, hey, behave. Focus your little twisted mind for me, okay? I need police records from the Fifth Ward. Small thefts and burglaries. Can you do that?

Garcia

Aren't you at that very station, right now?

Morgan

Yeah, but it's a small precinct and these guys are stretched. Trust me.

Garcia

Got it.

Morgan

Oh, and Garcia, see if you can find before and after pictures of demolitions in the area. Maybe we can nail down a building where the unsubmay have worked or lived in.

Garcia

How far back?

Morgan

A week. And Garcia? I'd better not ever find any Photoshop pictures of me.

Garcia

Oh, trust me, my vision, you will never find them.

JJ

You are the best ever.

Garcia

Aw, and you're the most perceptive.

Prentiss

(Brings beer and Brad from the bar) Ladies, this is Brad! A real FBI agent!

Garcia

Really?

Prentiss

Really!

JJ

No way!

Garcia

That's exciting! What's it like in Quantico?

It's, eh, quite impressive!

JJ

What department are you in?

That's classified.

JJ

Oh (winking at Garcia and Prentiss) it must be really tough keeping all those secrets.

It's a skill like anything else. Carpenters are good at building stuff, measuring. FBI is good at keeping secrets and kicking criminal ass!

Prentiss

Well, somebody has to do it! Oh, do you have to carry your gun and badge with you everywhere you go?

Affirmative.

Prentiss

Can we see it?

See what?

Prentiss

Your badge.

Garcia

Please.

I am sorry, that's...

Classified, of course.

Prentiss

(takes out her badge) Tell me Brad, does it look anything like this?

JJ

(takes out her badge) Or, uh, this?

Garcia

(takes out her badge) Or maybe this?

Garcia

[talking to herself while waiting in her car for Gideon] Nervous whistle. Stop it. Everything is... everything is cool, Garci. Gorgeous tech kitten found in lonely, dark parking lot, throat slashed ear-to-ear. Horrific. Tragic. With the very files of one of the most prolific serial killers ever. Tonight he remains at large, the blood of Quantico's finest...

Garcia

Oh God! Oh my God!

Gideon

Drive.

Garcia

You're right, drive! Yes drive! Drive where?

Gideon

Just drive.

Garcia

Just drive, just drive...

Morgan

Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I wanna hear.

Garcia

You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder.

Morgan

How about something I don't already know.

Garcia

I have a sweet tooth?

Garcia

[answering the phone] Talk dirty to me.

Erin Strauss

This is section Chief Erin Strauss!

Garcia

Ma'am, I think it goes without saying that I expected to be someone else.

Morgan

Hey girl, you're on speaker. Behave.

Garcia

Or what, you'll spank me?

Garcia

Another seven seconds I was able to decipher, but it's seven more than we had.

Hotchner

What are we looking at?

Garcia

Surveillance footage I retrieved off the second camera on the first floor. It shows Katie exiting the arcade, follows her movements through the crowd. She went north.

Hotchner

Until she disappears.

Garcia

Criminy, I still can't make out who she was with.

Hotchner

Seven seconds...

Garcia

All the images I could find, sir.

Hotchner

...is all that it takes for a child to disappear.

JJ

Go ahead, Garcia.

Garcia

You were spot-on, crime fighters. Military records match. Francis Goehring, forty-two years old. Did a year in the Army, before a bad conduct discharge. Highlight of which was an arrest during a bar brawl in which three other people were hospitalized. Uh, he also appears in the federal database for - get this - aggressive militia groups.

JJ

Aggressive militia groups. Is there any other type?

Garcia

Mm-hmm. That's your federal government at work. We specialize in redundancy.

Garcia

Gotta go. Bye.

Morgan

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. What, no snappy rhetoric? What's goin' on?

Garcia

Not in the mood.

Morgan

Penelope?

Garcia

Uh, that guy from the coffee shop asked me out, and I took your advice, and I blew him off.

Morgan

Oh, um. Well, good. Smart move. Something was definitely wrong with him.

Garcia

Wow. You are some profiler. You could tell how wrong he was from what little I told you.

Morgan

Garcia, I didn't mean to --

Garcia

I wonder was it that he was too handsome or too interested in me that tipped you off on how wrong he was?

Morgan

Garcia, I--

Garcia

Just because you wouldn't cross a crowded room to hit on me does not mean that a more perceptive, less superficial guy wouldn't. Hey, Derek, you want snappy? You suck. [Hangs up]

Rossi

All right, let's cut the crap! You need to be straight with us. Right now. Look at me, not them!

Garcia

I am not hiding anything...

Rossi

You got shot! Most people get shot for a reason!

Rossi

Eyes here!

Morgan

Ease up Rossi!

Rossi

You got a room full of people here, willing to believe that an FBI agent is trying to kill you! We need to know everything you do on company time that we don't know about!

Morgan

Come on, man!

Garcia

It's nothing bad...

Rossi

What? Spit it out!

Garcia

It's nothing bad! It's just... I counsel victim's families and they know where I work, so sometimes they ask to look into their cases for them.

Rossi

What does that mean?

Garcia

Just means that the cases, the unsolved ones, I tag them, so whoever investigates them knows that the FBI considers them a priority.

Hotchner

You're not authorized to do that.

Garcia

I know! I was just trying to help.