Penelope Garcia quotes from Criminal Minds

Morgan

These are my bomb fragments. We can start putting this bad boy together.

Garcia

Why bother? Don't you just look at the pieces for prints and... stuff... and?

Morgan

[chuckles] Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI?

Garcia

I didn't get into medical school?

Morgan

Why does that not surprise me?

J.J.

He's so gorgeous.

Haley

Thank you.

Reid

If you find baldness and wrinkles attractive.

Garcia

Look at his little witty bitty nose. [to Morgan] Don't you want one of these?

Morgan

I'll stick to practicing.

Reid

No one gets therapy these days without a healthy dose of medication.

Garcia

What are you implying, Reid?

Reid

That everyone is medicated.

Garcia

Did you just make a joke?

Reid

No, I mean... Statistics, they... They show it...

Garcia

Reid. Next time, just say yes, okay?

Reid

Are you hacking into the government's HMO database? Is that legal?

Garcia

Course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someone's bitch.

Reid

Really?

Morgan

[sees Garcia with a cardboard box] Please tell me you brought some breakfast.

Garcia

Oh, trust me, sugar. You are not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.

Gideon

[to Garcia, hurriedly] Give me the book. The big one, right there.

Garcia

OK. [muttering under her breath] Get the book, please, Penelope. Here you are. Thank you.

Hotchner

How is it having Gideon around?

Garcia

Uh, you can have him back whenever you would like.

Garcia

Penelope Garcia's house of "How May I Save Your Ass Today?"

Morgan

Well, you can give me the sex offender registry for Wilmington, Delaware.

Garcia

Oh, that's always a fun group. Um, Morgan, did you hear that Agent Gideon sent me flowers?

Morgan

No kidding?

Garcia

Jealous?

Morgan

Sex offenders, Garcia!

Garcia

Aaron, do you have any idea how many people drown every day?

Hotchner

Well, yeah. There're more in the summer for obvious reasons, but I think it averages to about sixty-five hundred a year, which is 17 a day?

Garcia

Is this Reid?

Hotchner

What, are you impressed?

Garcia

I am, Slick, I am.

Garcia

Do you do know what this means?

JJ

What?

Garcia

We'll be able to find out whether Princess Diana's death was really an accident!

JJ

I think that's exactly the kind of thing that got you on that list.

JJ

[about the incredible Sir Kneighf] Oh god, please tell me you don't have a crush on a fictional character.

Garcia

He's not fictional. He's the online alter-ego of a real person.

JJ

Mm-hmm, but you don't know anything about him, or even if he is... a him.

Garcia

Okay, you know what? Look, we meet online at specified times that he is never late to. We spend hours adventuring and chatting during which time I have his undivided attention and he lavishes me with flattery.

JJ

Wow.

Garcia

When was the last time you had a date go that well?

JJ

See if he's got a fictional brother.

Garcia

[angrily over the phone to Morgan when he asks for information] The information superhighway is closed.

Morgan

What are you talking about?

Garcia

Someone had the nerve to run a black hat op into my computers, Morgan. They hacked me, okay? But you can bet your sweet ass I will find them. I've got honeypot farms hidden behind UML kernel data packets and a first generation honeynet I personally programmed. My snort-log lists every visitor, every server request, every keystroke of this entire network. If I have to back-hack his IP all the way to the freakin' stone age I will find this son of a bitch, okay? So, bye!

Reid

Wow. She obviously did nothing to protect Amber from the abuse. She... she feels betrayed by her mother and now receives extreme sadistic pleasure in watching the same thing that happened to her. Strange. In this case, the abused actually became the abuser.

Garcia

That doesn't happen a lot?

Reid

One in eight.

Garcia

We found the one.

Morgan

Oh, one last favor. Look up the words "sexy" and "brilliant" in that computer of yours, and tell me what you come up with.

Garcia

Look at that, it's me.

Morgan

You are a goddess, woman. Ciao. [turns off his phone and sees the women in the waiting room staring at him] It was a... it's a work call.

Garcia

Yeah, this is true. All complaints filed were false alarms, but then there is that matter of his missing wife.

Reid

Wife? What wife? When did she go missing?

Garcia

Almost fifty years ago.

Reid

No record of her ever being found?

Garcia

I got two words for you, my friend: Rear Window. That guy probably chopped that lady up into delicious, bite-sized little pieces. Think about it. She may have never left the premises. [whispers] She may still be in the house.

Reid

Garcia, I'm sitting here in the dark alone. Thanks.

Garcia

While you're waiting for a potential murderer to come home? Kind of dangerous. Kind of sexy.