Columbo · Season 1
[Columbo is running on the treadmill]
What's he doing here?
Well, you know that introductory thirty day offer we've been pushing on television?
Yeah.
That's what he's doing here.
Mr. Janus, how you doin'! Listen, I gotta tell you, this is terrific! I'm starting to feel like a new man already.
Fine, fine Columbo.
Of course, you know, I've only been on for about 20 minutes.
[after watching Columbo light his cigar] Your health program didn't last very long, did it?
Long enough.
You know something, Columbo, you're a devious man.
That's what they tell me.
I don't care what you think. I don't care what you suspect. I don't care what visions you see when you look at your cigar ashes because I'm innocent. I have an alibi for the time Gene Stafford died and you can huff and puff on that rotten cigar until next July and you'll never prove otherwise.
I wouldn't count on that.
What the hell gives you the right, Columbo?
This, sir. This is a warrant. This gives me the right.
You removed the bulb on the phone in the living room so the line wouldn't light up because if 6901 lit up the people there would know that you were talking from the phone in the study.
Guesswork, supposition, more cigar ashes. What you need is proof. That what you need-- proof.
It didn't take me 'til July, but I got the proof.
In two months, I'll be at my villa overlooking the Adriatic with two million in Swiss francs to keep me warm.
You tried to contrive the perfect alibi, sir. And it's your perfect alibi that's gonna hang you.
[Columbo enters a mission looking for a witness]
You're hungry and tired, I can see that.
Uh, well, the fact is, I didn't sleep last night and I'm plenty tired.
Oh, I am sorry. Would you wait here? [calling behind her] George, would you bring a tray? [turning back to Columbo] Won't you join us, Brother?
Join you for what?
Come. I haven't seen you before, have I?
No, ma'am, no.
Oh, that coat, that coat, that coat. Oh, I'm sure that we can find something nicer for you in the other room.
I found exactly the right thing. It's warm. And look! It's hardly been used at all! Now, you stand up and we'll try it on.
You know, I appreciate what you're doing. I really do. But I've had this coat for seven years.
Oh, you poor man.
Don't be ashamed.
No, I'm very fond of it.
[After Galesco explains that his dog is depressed since the dog next door has moved away]
Oh, uh, I don't suppose you have a picture of a cocker spaniel around, do ya?
A picture?
You know, I mean, maybe I could tack up some kind of a picture. You know, something he could look at, kind of like a pin-up?
[annoyed] No, really, Lieutenant...
No, no, that's a terrible idea. I mean the dog is dumb but he won't fall for that. I mean the dog would know it wasn't her, right? Forget I mentioned it.
I will, Lieutenant.
Look at the negative in the back of the camera, Lieutenant. It proves I'm right.
Were you a witness to what he just did?
Yes, Lieutenant.
Were you a witness to what he just did?
Yes, sir.
Were you a witness to what he just did?
Yes, I am, sir.
Witness to what?
You just incriminated yourself, sir. You identified the camera.
Geometry is logic and logic is the battlefield of adulthood.
Boys will be boys.
Boys will be boys, Lieutenant, but somebody's gotta turn them into men.
This country is going to have the best damn army in the world!
You have to forgive me, it's not me, it's my mind, it's very slow, and I have to pin everything down.
Don't expect me to be contrite, Lieutenant. It had to be done, and I'd do it again by tomorrow.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Columbo pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
