Jay Halstead quotes from Chicago P.D.

Lindsay

Hey, you have a "couch guy"?

Halstead

I don't know what that means.

Lindsay

You have a guy for everything: construction guy, car guy. I need a couch guy.

Halstead

Huh.

Lindsay

I'm moving back into my place. I just want a fresh start. I kinda blew through my savings on my "sabbatical". Don't make me ask Atwater.

Halstead

What's in it for me? [Lindsay raises an eyebrow flirtatiously at him] I'll make some calls.

Halstead

I'm the last guy you should ask about decorative furniture. I'm a "function over form" man.

Lindsay

[smirks] What does that mean?

Halstead

It means that if its comfy then I don't care what it looks like. You know, we could always give it a "test drive"

Lindsay

Test out the "function"?

Halstead

[cheekily] I hope we're talking about the same thing.

Halstead

I think you actually got both.

Lindsay

Function and form.

Halstead

Kind of like me. I have rugged good looks and a razor sharp mind.

So, Jay, I'm not usually the matchmaking type of guy but my wife wants to set you up with somebody.

Will Halstead

Woah, Herrmann, what's wrong with me?

Jay Halstead

[holds a finger to shush Will] Slow down. [to Herrmann] Who is it?

She's a great gal. She's cute, you know, and she's in my wife's bridge club.

Will

[snickers] Ok, I take it back. Jay, you can have her.

[chuckles] Shut up.

Jay

Thanks.

Why am I here? I'm the one who got beat up.

Halstead

Ethan, I think the kids were just scared, not just about Colin. They're scared about you.

Halstead

I was a soldier too.

Yeah?

Halstead

Yeah man. [pauses] I've known some heroes. But what you did, going public, telling the truth about what happened...it might just be the bravest thing I've ever seen.

Did you lose friends?

Halstead

Many. Yeah.

How'd you deal with it?

Halstead

When I get down, I...uh, try to remind myself that they made a sacrifice so that I could come home and live my life. I just try to honor that.

Lindsay

A fully committed murderer would stay in character. That's all I'm saying.

Halstead

I'm gonna sleep with one eye open.

Halstead

You know, he came on his own violation. I mean, volition.

Very cute, Detective.

Halstead

Don't be cliché, be the nice lawyer.

Halstead

You good?

Ruzek

No...

Halstead

Good job, buddy.

Mouse

Nitrous, like whippets? I did a bunch in college.

Halstead

Explains why you only did one semester.

Ruzek

I could take him.

Halstead

Guy's like 6'6", 250 easy.

Ruzek

You would have my back, obviously. Right?

Atwater

Who? Me or Jay? Because I think I want to watch that fight.

Halstead

Adam, if you want to pass your next drug test, don't breathe.

Ruzek

What?

I ought to lay you out right where you stand.

Halstead

I'd advise against you trying that.

I don't know what Mouse told you.

Halstead

He said you used to be a lawyer and now you own a pot shop.

Well, I like to tell people that I entered a budding industry with growth potential.

Halstead

[impassively] I bet that always gets a laugh.

Usually a smile. Uh, so Mouse did my security system, and recommended you for security detail. I like ex-cops, um, ex-military, preferably ones that don't scare the customers away. We're an all-cash business. The Feds still won't let us open bank accounts.

Halstead

If this were, like, six months ago I'd be putting you in handcuffs.

Times change.

Halstead

[deadpan] Yeah, that's what they say.