John Bosley quotes from Charlie's Angels

Bosley

My teeth feel like they have little sweaters on them.

Bosley

The only way I could afford the Cyprus Pines is if they rented rooms by the hour. By that, I mean, by the time my bags got to the room, I'd have to check out

Bosley

She may be Tracy Martell to you but her police blotter reads Delores Martin, with six priors, starting when she was sixteen. All prostitution beefs.

Sabrina

What happened to the art history major?

Bosley

Well that’s the thing, she is in her last year of school, with a 3.4 average.

Jill

Wow, not your average lady of the night.

Kelly

So what’s the tie up between her and consenting adults?

Jill

I don’t know but I have a feeling one of us is going to get to play call girl.

Sabrina

Bingo. Guess who?

Jill

If I could squeeze a gold watch out of Charlie now would be the perfect time to retire.

Sit right down Mr Bosley, let’s discuss your needs.

Bosley

I need that wonderful lady who just left. Do they all look like that?

Yes, now let’s see, your profile says you enjoy quiet evenings at home curled up with a good book, I would suggest that you want someone who’s mature, well informed, cerebral.

Bosley

I want that like I want the heartbreak of psoriasis.

Sabrina

(pointing a shotgun) Move and you’re part of the wall!

Bosley

What a rotten attitude!

Jill

I’m in

Bosley

Do you think they bought it?

Jill

Well if they didn’t just tell Charlie I want a simple funeral, you know no frills, no fuss. And then I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered all over Charlie’s water bed.

Bosley

How did you know Charlie had a water bed?

Jill

Just an educated guess

Bosley

Uh-huh, I won’t ask you where you got your education.

Bosley

Mrs Evers?

Yes?

Bosley

I stopped by your house and your maid told me you were here so I took a small liberty.

Did you enjoy it?

Bosley

Enjoy what?

Taking a small liberty with my maid.

Bosley

Oh no, not with her, with you. What I mean is I took the small liberty of coming down here.

Oh, I’m glad we worked that out.

Sabrina

Woah Bosley, don’t you think you put a little too much garlic in there?

Bosley

No advice please, when I cook I do it alone.

Jill

If you eat that much garlic you’ll do everything alone.

Bosley

Wait a minute, are you saying they are suspects?

Kelly

I’m saying they might give us some kind of handle on this. The trick is to question them so they won’t realise they’re being questioned.

Bosley

Ah-hah I see. What we need is a sharp eye and a deft clever tongue.

Kelly

That would be wonderful Bosley, but meanwhile see what you can find out without blowing it.

Bosley

Listen, last night at 11.30 I woke up and Halverson was slipping back into the room.

Sabrina

11.30? That was just after Faraday was attacked.

Bosley

Halverson has a grudge against nurses in general.

Jill

And maybe Faraday in particular.

Bosley

Now if he was cleverly and deftly interrogated...

Jill

That’s a good idea Bos, the only trouble is you’re the one who’s closest to him, so you’ll have to do it.

Bosley

Oh that’s amusing, that is very amusingǃ

Bosley

Charlie knows what he’s doing.

Kelly

Oh sure, like the time he sent us to Nova Scotia to find Mrs Carpenter’s killer?

Sabrina

Oh that was a cute one.

Kelly

Uh-huh, and the killer was managing a banana plantation in Honduras.

Bosley

You got him didn’t you?

Kelly

We were there so long the guy had to come home for Christmas.

Bosley

What did she tell you about me?

Kris

Oh well she said you were really a take charge kind of guy. Always on top of things.

Bosley

I always thought the world of Jill. Did she tell you anything else?

Kris

Uh-huh, she said you had eyes like Paul Newman and a smile like Robert Redford.

Bosley

I see that you’ve got your sister’s peculiar sense of humour.

Kelly

I wonder what Charlie’s gonna say?

Kris

You mean about the cost of Sabrina’s bail?

Kelly

Uh-huh, it really adds up, doesn’t it? Operating a vehicle without a license, stealing a truck, reckless driving, and I never even heard of felony littering.

Bosley

Well, while Sabrina was busy turning into one of the ten most wanted, what did we learn?

Bosley

You flew all this way just because of a spider?

I had to, that girl... It didn’t matter to her that the spider was harmless. Why should she care that she’s started a panic among the other contestants.

Kelly

Are you certain the spider was harmless?

Of course it was, I stomped on it.

Kris

But was it harmless before you stomped on it?

Well how should I know? I wasn’t going to let it bite me to find out.

Kelly

What do you think we should do now?

Bosley

I think you should scream, as a matter of fact if you don’t I will.