Bottom · Season 1
[Eddie is trying to teach Richie how to play chess]
Right, let me get this sorted out. Now the bent vicar stands next to the queen. And the queen goes in every direction.
That's right.
[looking disgusted] And they let children play this, you say? I mean, it's pretty strong stuff, isn't it Eddie? You know, knights taking prawns? And apparently, if a prawn goes all the way he turns into a queen!
Eddie, do you want to be skinned alive and buggered?
(Pointing handgun at Richie) I'd like to see you try!
Eddie, how did you get this drunk on one pound seventy-five?
There's a sale on at the chemists. Old Spice... 25p a bottle.
[Richie’s version of ‘The Sailor’s Hornpipe’]
Do your balls hang low?
Can you swing ‘em to and fro?
Can you tie ‘em in a knot?
Can you tie ‘em in a bow?
Do you get a funny feeling when they’re hanging from the ceiling?
Oh you’ll never be a sailor if your balls hang low!
I think there's someone in the drawing-room.
The what-room?
The drawing-room.
I don't think I've been in there. What, you mean we've got a room just for drawing in?
You're so common, aren't you? What do you call it, the snug or the saloon or something?
Oh, the lounge!
That's it! Yes, the laaunge! There's someone down in the laaunge!
[Eddie is talking about his mother]
She left me on the doorstep, just me, the carry-cot, and this old revolver. Oh, and a little note that said, "Please look after my baby. I can't be bothered." She was a wonderful mother.
How do you know?
I saw the article in the Police Gazette.
[Richie is pretending to have fought in the Falklands when talking to a genuine veteran]
Yeah, I was in Two Para.
What, you went twice?
What regiment was you in then?
Well the English one of course! What are you suggesting?
No, what outfit was you in?
Well, the green patchy one most of the time. With the twigs and the bit of leaf, you know, camouflage!
So, ah, what did you do then?
Well, I'd rather not talk about it.
Why, is it embarrassing? Shit your pants, did you? Cry, did you, eh?
Quite the opposite, actually.
What, you sucked water in through your eyes?
No. I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
Oooh. That can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?
I don't know, this is all a load of bollocks.
[In the lavatory, planning to steal the War Veteran's false leg and pawn it]
Rightey dokey matey bloke flap old salty seadog amigo skip-jack jockstrap piano tuner, let's see you balls this one up!
Right, how much for this carved wooden leg?
Now, there's a nice bit of objet d'art! Must be worth at least two and a half grand.
Oh!
I'll give you one pound fifty for it.
Let's haggle.
All right, a quid.
No, let's haggle upwards.
All right, 50p!
Blimey, they don't call you "Harry the Bastard" for nothing, do they?
No, they call me Ted!
[At the bookies]
Five hundred quid, on the nose, on Sad Ken if you please.
Certainly. Would you like to pay tax?
Of course I wouldn't. What a ridiculous question!
7p on Sad Ken, please.
7p?
Yeah, it's all Harry the Bastard would give me for my house.
[They are sharing war stories.]
You'll have to excuse Eddie, his mind's sort of blanked it out.
What, 'cos it's so horrible?
No, he's just got that sort of mind.
Right, quick, into the lavs! (toilets)
Richie, no! It's illegal! Besides, you'll never make 500 quid that fast... you'll be lucky to get 10p a go!
Have you ever read The Joy of Sex?
No, I don't read things like that.
Well that's okay, we can just look at the pictures!
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