Bottom · Season 1
My Uncle Percy was in the trenches of the first world war. You know what he used to say?
What?
"AAAH! Bloody hell! Germans! Thousands of 'em! There all going shoot me! AAAAH! Mummy, I want to go home! AAAAHHH! AAHHH! AAHHH!."
(While slapping Eddie): Eddie, Shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!
[Christmas Day]
Right now look, there's only five hours until lunch, I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.
Not sprouts! I hate sprouts.
Oh, will you stop whinging Eddie! Nobody likes sprouts!
Then why are we having them then!?
Because it's Christmas!!
[Richie is telling Eddie how he's going to cook the chicken]
Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop both its feet off, rip out its innards, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and bung it in a very hot place for four hours until its completely burnt.
Now, Eddie. Crackers?
Yes. But it's never stopped me so far!
No, I mean have you got the crackers?
No, it's just the way my trousers hang.
Eddie, enough of the crackers jokes. I'm talking about the things you put in your hand and pull.
Well I've got one of those, but I'm not gonna stick it on the table!
(Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay. Remember... erm...
Half past eight and aaalllsss crap!
Look, I have just got to get into my kitchen! Here's a can of spray snow, you make everything look Christmassy. I'll go and scrub my sprouts.
I thought you were gonna do some cooking?
Oh, what's that smell?
That's lunch.
Oh thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident.
(When a baby is left on the doorstep.)
Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas!
What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? It sounds pretty good to me.
I think his nappy needs changing.
What?
Yeah, go on Richie. I mean, you're his... mother.
Ah, come on, guys! This is the twentieth century, it's not fair!
But we are not worthy, oh holy one.
Yeah, yeah that's right, oh chosen thing.
Right, oh one... what he said.
What do you mean, "what he said"? I thought you were supposed to be a wise man!
Merry Christmas everyone.
Yes, Merry Christmas one and all! [Spudgun and Richie gulp their drinks down; Eddie throws his over his shoulder.]
What, is it Christmas? Today? Oh, Merry Christmas then. That must be why that woman gave me that after-shave this morning.
What woman?
Oh, you know, that old woman who keeps hanging around the place. You know Eddie, what's her name; my wife. Andrea. No no, Avril, that's it. No, what am I thinking of, Susan! That's the one!
Now can we just get our equipment out. I mean, I mean get our tackle out. I mean, get our gear... oh God, you can't say anything without some dreadful double entendre lurking around the corner!
[Sitting around a campfire, they have no food left.]
What was that film where they ate each other?
Deep Throat, wasn't it?
Oh, yeah. (beat) That was great!
[Sitting around acampfire, wondering where to get food]
Hang on... this is Wimbledon Common isn't it?
Yes.
Hey, I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble.
Eddie, Wombles don't exist.
Oh, yes they do! I've seen them on the telly!
Eddie, would it scar you for life if I told you that they were just puppets?
Yes, it would.
Good. EDDIE, THEY WERE JUST PUPPETS!
[Richie attempts to lull Eddie to sleep]
Night-Night, Sleep Tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite. If they do, do a poo. Put it in a Cornish Stew. Into the ambulance, dring-dring-dring! Fish trousers elephant in Peking. Saw a busy bee; Diddle-diddle-dee. Daddy's an accountant just like me. Night-Night, God Bless.
I think there's something outside.
Well there's bound to be something outside, Richie. You can't expect the universe and its entire contents to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
You're very philosophical for this time of night, Eddie.
Well, I've had half a bottle of scotch, whaddya expect?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Bottom pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
