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SEASON 1

BoJack Horseman · Season 1

BoJack Horseman Season 1 quotes

115 quotes · page 8 of 8

S1 E15Unfinished Business

If I'm shitty, that's just because I'm shitty. You're allowed to be mad at me, but you need to know that whatever I do, it's not your fault.

HHollyhock

I know. I mean, I know, but I don't always know, you know? Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes, like, "Hey, everyone hates you! And they're not wrong to feel that way!"

I know what you mean.

HHollyhock

That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?

Yeah?

HHollyhock

It goes away, right? It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?

[smiling in spite of himself] Yeah.

Remind me what this show is? I mean, I know, but...remind me?

FHFelicity Huffman

Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy. It was supposed to be Felicity Huffman's Future Leaders of America but it got retooled a little by the network.

So are we judging who has the best booty?

FHFelicity Huffman

Whoa, BoJack, no. That is so degrading!

So if it's not about their butts, then why is the other judge Sir Mix-A-Lot?

MLSir Mix-A-Lot

Because I'm an honest and impartial judge. And if there's one thing I'm famous for, it's that I CANNOT lie.

Yeah, I guess that would be the one thing.

You wanna know what I do when I have a really horrible, awful, bad day?

What?

I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?

But it's...fake.

Yeah, well...it makes me feel better.

How did I not see it? All this time, I thought you were a terrible parent. And you were. But I blew it even worse. It turns out being a parent is... impossible. So I guess I can't be that mad at you.

BBeatrice

Mad at me!? No, Henrietta, this is the right thing. You'll see.

Maybe we deserve each other.

BBeatrice

Ah! Where is the girl? I made the girl coffee.

Jesus. You two and your coffee. [coming to a realization] Wait. No!..

What did you put in this!?

BBeatrice

That's an old family secret.

Chub-B-Gone?

BBeatrice

Picks the pounds right off!

This whole time!

BBeatrice

Just until she learned to take it herself.

[slamming the container down onto the counter] Of course it was you!

BBeatrice

Henrietta!!

No!! All this "I don't know where I am who my son stuff is" is officially not cute anymore! You ruined the one good thing I had! The one thing I didn't ruin myself! But of course I did! Because I thought it was a good idea to give you one more chance!

BBeatrice

[confused] Where is Crackerjack?

Stop! You are out of chances!

Sartre was wrong. Physical pain is so much worse than prolonged emotional distress. What a hack!

SStefani

Diane! What have you been up to? Tell me everything.

Actually, I've been working on a book of essays...

SStefani

Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite, and it's very rude of you to assume that I care. I have news that's actually interesting...

SStefani

You know what your problem is? You hold everyone to an impossible standard, including yourself. It's super helpful for writing hot-take shakedowns, and clickbait take-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.

But shouldn't we be asking more of ourselves - and of the people in our lives?

SStefani

Of course. But we all fail, Diane. The world is unforgiving enough as it is. The least we could do is find ways to forgive each other and ourselves.

Well, then maybe we should be more forgiving in our content, and maybe not publish so many take-downs?

SStefani

[looks at her with condescending amusement] Oh, Diane.

BBBiscuits Braxby

Over these last two nights, you’ve drawn an outline of a person. A person who doesn’t think about others, a person who puts his own needs first. And over and over, other people get hurt, not necessarily because he means to hurt them, but because he just doesn’t care. This person I’m describing, is it a different person, or is it you?

[pause] Yeah. It’s me.

SSecretariat

The weak breeze whispers nothing, the water screams sublime. His feet shift teeter-totter. Deep breath, stand back, it's time. Toes untouch the overpass, soon he's water bound. Eyes locked shut but peek to see the view from halfway down. [the white door draws closer.] I'm not done. Hold on, I'm not done. I'm not done. A little wind, a summer sun. A river rich and regal. A flood of fond endorphins brings a calm that knows no equal. You're flying now. You see things much more clear than from the ground. It's all okay, it would be, were you not now halfway down. Thrash to break from gravity, what now could slow the drop? All I'd give for toes to touch the safety back at top. [the white door continues to draw closer.'] I changed my mind. I change my mind, I don't wanna-

It's okay.

SSecretariat

But this is it, the deed is done, silence drowns the sound. Before I leaped I should have seen the view from halfway down! [the white door draws closer and closer to Secretariat, sending him into a state of panic as he struggles to finish his poem.] No! I really should have thought about the view from halfway down!

Find your peace, big guy. Find it.

SSecretariat

I wish I could have known about the view from halfway dooown! [the white door appears right behind Secretariat as he tumbles into the void inside.]

Besides, I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. One day in therapy, I just blurted out: "Is my problem with women, any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? Because yes, women are involved, but it's never really about the women. It's about me.

That's actually somewhat astute.

It occured to me: Are my self destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of co-dependency the popular Jim Carrey character 'The Mask'? Because 'Somebody stop me!'.

Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that?

Um, are all of my breakthroughs a British Prog-Rock Band from the 70s? Because 'Yes'.

----

Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch and then you die, right?

Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.

Yeah.

But it's the nice night, huh?

Yeah. This is nice.

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