Black Mirror · Season 1
Jump.
What? Over there? I never expressed suicidal thoughts, or self-harm.
Yeah, well, you aren't you, are you?
That's another difficult one, to be honest with you.
You're just a few ripples of you. There's no history to you. You're just a performance of stuff that he performed without thinking, and it's not enough.
So this--this thing on the TV, the...
The signal.
That's what's doing it? That's what's making them act like this?
I guess they were always like that underneath. Just needed the rules to change, for no-one to intervene.
You nearly killed us back there.
Yeah, well, I wasn't expecting you to be there, was I? I've just saved your lives. A wee "thank you" would be nice. I should've just run yous over.
You're not going to win, though.
Of course not.
So, why not be honest? Say, "You arseholes aren't going to vote for me, so here's what I think anyway".
It doesn't work like that.
Nothing does, that's why everything's bollocksed.
The video was a hit for a reason.
The video's embarrassing. I'm embarrassed by it. I was lashing out. I wasn't even articulate.
It doesn't matter.
Or funny, which is almost worse.
Look we--we don't need politicians, we've all got iPhones and computers, right? So any decision that has to be made, any policy, we just put it online. Let the people vote--thumbs up, thumbs down, the majority wins. That's a democracy. That's a--that's an actual democracy.
So's YouTube, and I don't know if you've seen it, but the most popular video is a dog farting the theme tune to Happy Days.
In a debate, your team could Google every word the other guy says, then let Waldo hit him with debunk stats and spit a Twitter-ready zinger into the next sentence. He's the perfect assassin.
We won't win, though.
You guys are so British. No, of course he won't win.
You laugh, you're laughing at someone who won't engage. Who is scared to engage, who hides behind a children's cartoon.
[as Waldo] Who you calling a kiddie toon, fool?
I'm, I'm, I'm speaking about James Salter. Hm? Don't worry about it. That's your name, isn't it? James Salter, this is the man who's behind all this. He's 33 years old, a man whose career can be summed up surprisingly quickly. You were in a sketch troupe that enjoyed minor success about six years ago, and the others moved on to better things, but your main achievement seems to have been playing the part of a corn on the cob in a high-interest personal loan commercial. I notice you keep that pretty quiet. And now, of course, operating this sort of teddy bear thing. Which, by the way, is easier than it looks. Anyone could do it. See, this is, this is the thing: it's easy, what he does. He mocks. And when he can't think of an authentic joke, which is actually quite often, he just swears. I think that this puppet's inclusion on this panel debases the process of debate, and smothers any meaningful discussion of the issues. So I return to my original question, is that really what this is for? He has nothing to offer and he has nothing to say. Prove me wrong. Hm? Speak, Waldo.
[as Waldo, with genuine venom] You're a joke. You look less human than I do, and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock.
[Audience laughs and claps]
[as Waldo] What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. No one takes you seriously! That's why no one votes!
The vast majority do vote--
[as Waldo] It's bullshit.
Surely this is enough?
[as Waldo] You think you deserve respect.
Just common courtesy--
[as Waldo] Because you went to public school and grew up believing you were entitled to everything!
[Audience claps]
Ad hominem nonsense.
Perhaps we could get back--? Gwendolyn Harris, um--
[as Waldo] Something's got to change. No one trusts you lot, cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble! What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddie-flasher? You knew him for twenty years, did you not know what he was like?!
[more taken aback] No, of course not.
[as Waldo] Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him! Sly and pretending, and in that way, you're all the same!
[Audience claps and cheers]
Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time?
Well... of course, I think no--
[as Waldo] Oh, shut up, you're worse! Seriously! She's faker than him!
For once, I find myself agreeing with Liam Monroe in that this really doesn't get us anywhere, and there's no point in us continuing If we can't have anything resembling a debate...
[as Waldo, talking over her] Are you going to win? Why are you here? Tell them why you're here. Tell them why you're here! Tell them why you're here! She's here to build a showreel! I'm not kidding, that's literally it! Knows she's not going to win! This is all experience, to get herself on telly! She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, because he'll actually have to represent you, am I wrong?! A career politician! Someone else less real than me, and I can do this!
[He takes his head off and juggles it, making the audience laugh and clap]
Can I just make a couple of points--?
[as Waldo] Oh, shut up! You pebble! What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe, and the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you! What are you for?! What are you for?! Thank you and goodnight!
[He flips everyone off and makes Waldo vanish in a puff of smoke. The audience cheers]
Attention, shoppers. I'm here to ask you an important favor. Gather round. Come over here and listen. Don't vote for me, I'm an insult. Seriously. Vote for Monroe or Harris, or, I dunno, UKIP or even that Lib Dem guy. Seriously, only an arsehole would actually vote for me! I'm worse than a wasted vote! I mean it, you idiots, don't vote for me! Don't vote for me! DON'T VOTE FOR ME! DON'T VOTE FO--
[Jamie is temporarily silenced by Jack. Harris' campaign aide throws food at the truck, and the crowd starts to boo]
[towards crowd] Shut up!
No, don't boo him! He's right, he's right.
What are you doing?!
Resigning.
[Jamie leaves the truck and walks out into the surrounding crowd]
Look, it's me, I'm Waldo! This guy, whoever this guy is, [gestures towards Harris' campaign aide] he's a hero! You should throw stuff at Waldo, he's bad bloody news!
He's funny!
He's not.
[as Waldo] Don't listen to that man! He's a lesbian! Ahh!
[the crowd breaks out in laughter while Jamie stands bewildered]
So, remember, the polls are open, and if you've got my app, you can unlock new stuff like new catchphrases and a new hat n' that. Only an idiot wouldn't vote for me! So, question the status quo! Kick 'em where it hurts and--
[attempting to destroy the monitors on the truck with a nearby sign] Kill it!
The first man to hit him gets 500 quid! Yeah, that's right, knock him down! Knock him down! Smash it! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
[several members of the crowd start to assail Jamie until he is beaten unconscious]
I know we didn't have decorations last year, but, uh, couldn't find them last year. We were only supposed to have stored essentials here. I think it's adorable someone thinks tinsel is... essential.
Look, come on, there is a little bit of a conversational drought happening here. My ears need water.
Not big on conversation.
Practice makes perfect.
Maybe I'll bore you.
Buddy, look. At this point, being bored by anything other than snow would be a relief.
People want to be noticed. They don't like to be shut out. It makes them feel invisible. But... this girl. This girl seemed content with being ignored.
Maybe she could smell a loser.
No. No, she was an outsider. An attractive outsider. There's nothing more tantalizing than that.
People just want to be heard. That's why 90% of seduction is just listening.
You're a locked box. I mean, that's a good thing. Most people are too easy to read, especially if you know minds.
Using party tricks to pick up girls isn't knowing minds.
The picking up girls thing was a hobby. My job was completely different. You'll never guess what that was.
Marketing person?
No.
Door-to-door salesman?
Please.
Proctologist?
You're never going to get it.
I'm not going to try.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Black Mirror pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
