[as Waldo, with genuine venom] You're a joke. You look less human than I do, and I'm a made-up bear with a turquoise cock.
[Audience laughs and claps]
[as Waldo] What are you? You're just an old attitude with new hair. Assuming you're my superior because I'm not taking you seriously. No one takes you seriously! That's why no one votes!
The vast majority do vote--
[as Waldo] It's bullshit.
Surely this is enough?
[as Waldo] You think you deserve respect.
Just common courtesy--
[as Waldo] Because you went to public school and grew up believing you were entitled to everything!
[Audience claps]
Ad hominem nonsense.
Perhaps we could get back--? Gwendolyn Harris, um--
[as Waldo] Something's got to change. No one trusts you lot, cos they know you don't give a shit about anything outside your bubble! What about your mate Gladwell, the kiddie-flasher? You knew him for twenty years, did you not know what he was like?!
[more taken aback] No, of course not.
[as Waldo] Yeah, cos you're all just front, like him! Sly and pretending, and in that way, you're all the same!
[Audience claps and cheers]
Gwendolyn Harris, is all of politics a waste of time?
Well... of course, I think no--
[as Waldo] Oh, shut up, you're worse! Seriously! She's faker than him!
For once, I find myself agreeing with Liam Monroe in that this really doesn't get us anywhere, and there's no point in us continuing If we can't have anything resembling a debate...
[as Waldo, talking over her] Are you going to win? Why are you here? Tell them why you're here. Tell them why you're here! Tell them why you're here! She's here to build a showreel! I'm not kidding, that's literally it! Knows she's not going to win! This is all experience, to get herself on telly! She actually gives less of a shit about anyone round here than he does, because he'll actually have to represent you, am I wrong?! A career politician! Someone else less real than me, and I can do this!
[He takes his head off and juggles it, making the audience laugh and clap]
Can I just make a couple of points--?
[as Waldo] Oh, shut up! You pebble! What is this for? That's what you wanted to know, Mr Monroe, and the truth is, none of us know any more, thanks to you! What are you for?! What are you for?! Thank you and goodnight!
[He flips everyone off and makes Waldo vanish in a puff of smoke. The audience cheers]
More from this episode
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