[Daniel has shown up at Mike's parking lot in his bright circus wagon, having been summoned for police questioning]
Well, if you must know, I was robbed. Somebody broke into my house and stole my property.
Yeah, but obviously I didn't tell the cops that. I'm not stupid.
You've already spoken to them?
A couple of them came by my house. But it's not the drugs that I care about. I mean, I care. It's my baseball cards I need back.
Yes. I have a very valuable collection of baseball cards, and someone stole them.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised I have to tell you this. But it's probably a bad idea that you willingly talk to the police, being a criminal and all.
I'm not here as a criminal. I'm here as a crime victim. Just because I occasionally sell some pharmaceuticals, I no longer have a right to protection from crime? And I was very careful when I talked to them. I... they have no idea about my other business.
If you already made your report, why are you here?
They called me. They have a few more questions. They are very dedicated to finding this thief.
Since you're new to this, let me explain it to you. They've invited you on a fishing trip.
What's that? A fishing trip?
Those cops have no interest in helping you get your cards back. You're obviously under suspicion.
There was nothing there for them to see.
I refer you to our previous conversation and this blinking neon sign of a vehicle that says "drug dealer." They suspect you. They will get you in there, pretend to be your friend, lull you into a false sense of security, and then they will sweat you. And you will break.
I don't... I... [chuckles] I disagree.
Not open for debate. You go home now.
But I have an appointment.
Break it. And if they call you, do not answer the phone.
But- what about my baseball cards?
No! No, no, no, I am getting those back! I will take the risk.
No, you won't, because then you'll be putting my well-being at risk.
I have to! I–I–those cards? Some of them were my dad's. I am getting them back. I'm getting them back.
[pause] I'll find your cards.
Is–is that something you do? Wow, that's–that is so generous of you.
[Mike meets with Nacho at his father's car upholstery shop]
How'd you find me? [Mike snorts] Why are you here?
Baseball cards. The way I figure, you saw that midlife-crisis of a vehicle and wisely decided to cut ties with the man, and I don't blame you, I did too, and then you ripped him off. Now, I'm sure those baseball cards looked like an easy way to make a few extra bucks off that idiot–teach him a lesson, too–but you underestimated just how big an idiot you were dealing with.
[chuckles] No, I'm pretty aware.
Well, then you underestimated how attached the man was to those cards; so attached, he called the police and reported them stolen. Now, they're nosing around.
That sounds like a you problem.
No, I think it's very much an us problem.
[starts walking away] Yeah, well, I'll guess I'll just have to take my chances, but... [gestures for him to go] good luck to you.
Y'know, I was hoping you'd see our dilemma and do the right thing... [Nacho shrugs] but I think what we have here is a carrot-and-stick situation.
...Oh, yeah? This the stick? Hmm? You come here threatening my family? Huh? Because you're gonna need a bigger stick, old man.
I'm not here to threaten your family... and the name of the stick is Tuco Salamanca. Now, if you don't play ball, so to speak, and Tuco finds out about your little side business... that a big enough stick? However, I'd prefer the carrot. I think you will, too.
[Jimmy is spinning a lie to the police about Daniel's secret stash]
Well, this all comes down to a personal dispute, that's all. It's between Mr. Wormald and uh, his "art patron".
1Detective #1
Art patron?
Uh, yeah. My client has an arrangement with a wealthy gentleman for whom Mr. Wormald provides... art, in exchange for this gentleman's generous, eh... we'll call it patronage.
2Detective #2
Art. Like what, paintings?
It's more like digital media.
2Detective #2
Digital media?
He made videos for the man.
1Detective #1
What kind of videos?
Private videos of an artistic nature. That's what was in the hiding place, that's what it was for.
1Detective #1
...So this "art patron" stole the videos and the baseball cards?
Well, there was a misunderstanding. I mean, call it creative differences. Artists are volatile creatures! Guys, this all comes down to just a lover's spat, okay? Two consenting adults had a falling out, that happens, and the patron stole the videos and the baseball cards, to make a point, I guess. But the headline here is: it's all settled, hearts have mended and Mr. Wormald will not be pressing charges.
2Detective #2
What was on these videos?
2Detective #2
You said that.
They were videos intended... to titillate the senses.
1Detective #1
Okay, so porn.
Not—No. Not as such. Technically, they would be categorized as fetish videos, but nothing illegal. Just a man–a fully clothed man, I might add–just all by himself. Just–just Mr. Wormald, fully clothed... uh, yeah. So-
1Detective #1
Yeah, alright. So, fully clothed Mr. Wormald by himself... doing what?
2Detective #2
Yeah, come on, man. What?
1Detective #1
What's a s-squat cobbler?
Squat cobbler. You know what squat cobbler is.
1Detective #1
No, I don't–I don't know what a squat cobbler is.
2Detective #2
No, me neither. What is it?
Wha- you two guys are cops? Hoboken Squat Cobbler. Full Moon Moon Pie. Boston Crème Splat. Seriously? Simple Simon the Ass Man? Dutch Apple Ass? Guys, am I not speaking English here?
1Detective #1
What the hell is a squat cobbler?!
It's when a man sits in pie! He sits in a pie! And he... [wiggles in his seat] he wiggles around. Maybe it's like Hellman's Mayonnaise, it has a different name west of the Rockies. I don't know, but, uh, technically, he does a crybaby squat, so there's tears, which makes it more specialized. Not all pie-sitters cry, but I'm gonna tell you something: This guy? He's a regular Julianne Moore once he gets the waterworks cranked up.
2Detective #2
Pies? What, like apple?
Guys, I'm not the filmmaker here, all right? Banana cream. I... uh, peach. Oh, and there... and there is a costume involved.
1Detective #1
[snorts] You've got to be shittin' us.
Yeah, like I would make this up. Hey, the world is a rich tapestry, my friends, but trust me on this: You don't want to see it.
[Jimmy leaves the police station having successfully gotten Daniel off on the drug investigation]
So, uh, we're good, right?
Yeah. Great! [chuckles] There is, however, one little, tiny hanging Chad.
You're gonna have to make a video.
