RSRichard "Ricky" Sipes
Jim, I saw you on the TV, that billboard thing. And I had me a pair of insights. Insight the first: You ain't afraid to put yourself out there. And insight the second: You believe in the real America—freedom, self-sufficiency.
RRicky
When I see a man like you driving that foreign shitbox of a car...
Well, see, actually, it's...
RRicky
...it's a sign a good man can't get ahead today. It's a damned travesty. That's what it is.
Well that may be, Ricky, but, uh... I refuse to consider myself a victim.
RRicky
You know, we are once again at a point in our history where the fly-swatting hand of government is crushing the spirit of entrepreneurship. Taxes, OSHA requirements, the INS poking their big, fat nose into every mother-loving hire. It's damned oppressive.
It's tragic. It's un-American.
RRicky
Jim, I think you are just the lawyer I need, 'cause I got me a case—major—I say, a major case. Are you ready to clear your calendar?
RRicky
I want to secede from the United States. Now, I got 1,100 acres of property here, self-sustaining with solar power and wells, a sovereign state immune to the business-killing regulations of the country in which it geographically lies. We are going to be America's Vatican City.
Ricky... I'm your man. Yeah, let's do this. Let's show 'em all. Yee-haw!
Yee-haw! [Ricky highfives Jimmy] Yes! We are doing this! Ah. Now, it's not gonna be easy, sir. I mean, the government is gonna fight us tooth and nail. We could end up in the Supreme Court—I'm talking thousands of man-hours—I mean, years of effort.
RRicky
Are you ready for that?
RRicky
Let's talk turkey. What's your rate?
RRicky
The hell with hourly. I want you on retainer. How about $1 million even—$500,000 up front and $500,000 when we're done?
A million? That seems... fair.
RRicky
Would you like that in cash? [takes out stacks of bills from the safe]
Uh. [flips a stack of bills and sees Ricky's face on them] Well...
RRicky
Tax-free and backed by the full faith and credit of the sovereign Sandia Republic.
RRicky
Son... You are getting in on the ground floor.
[Cut to Jimmy driving away from the house at full speed]
[Roland Jaycox shows Jimmy into his garage]
RJRoland Jaycox
Uh, I feel silly asking this. Yeah. But before I show you my invention, would you mind signing a non-disclosure agreement?
You got it. No problem. [signs the agreement]
RRoland
It's my idea of a lifetime. If Fisher-Price or Playskool ever got their hands on this...
RRoland
You ready? [lifts the tarp off an ordinary looking toilet]
I may have seen one of these before.
RRoland
Not like this. This one has this little unit I've added. This is my invention. Do you have children?
RRoland
My wife and I have two boys, four and six. And let me tell you, toilet-training them? Nightmare, both times. They just didn't want to use the commode! So I wired a motion sensor to a voice chip and, well, no sense getting all technical. But it's all about positive reinforcement. Meet Tony the Toilet Buddy. And when you sit down to do your business, this is how he works.
[Roland drops a wooden block in the toilet bowl]
TTTony the Toilet Buddy
Oh, yeah! That's the way! [Roland drops another wooden block in the toilet bowl] Gosh, you're big! You're so big! My goodness! Look at you! [another wooden block gets dropped in] Fill me up, Chandler! Put it in me!
RRoland
Chandler's my youngest. Loves it.
Huh. [watches Roland drop another wooden block]
TTTony the Toilet Buddy
Give it to me, Chandler! I want it all! Mmm! Ahhh!
RRoland
Anyway, it goes on from there. You get the picture.
RRoland
So, what do you think?
It's a little... sexual, maybe?
RRoland
Sexual? What—what does that...?
Suggestive, maybe—maybe that's a better word? Look, I'm not—I'm not saying this thing won't make you rich. I mean, some of your wealthier Pacific Rim nations, they'll love this, the crazy bastards.
RRoland
I created this for children. Children, understand?
Well, hey, Viagra was originally invented to treat hypertension. Look how that turned out.
[Cut to Jimmy leaving the house with an angry Roland chasing after him]
RRoland
You're completely disgusting, you know that?!
Hey, buddy, you're the one with the sex toilet.
RRoland
Get off my property!
Hey, you know what? I hope you do make a fortune, 'cause Chandler's gonna need it to help pay for his therapy!
SMrs. Strauss
Now, where were we? Would you like some more tea?
No, no thank you. I'm—I'm fine. Now, the shepherd boy Hummel, that's gonna go to your nephew Clarence?
SMrs. Strauss
As long as he finishes college. If he drops out, it goes to my niece, Raylene, but then Raylene doesn't get the girl—
The girl with the geese, I know. Then that would go to your cousin Helen, so long as she never remarries Frederick?
SMrs. Strauss
And no matter what, I want the towheaded twins to go to Reverend Lawrence's grandson.
Um, don't you mean Reverend Haines? 'Cause Reverend Lawrence's grandson is going to get the, uh, lute-playing angel because he was in the choir.
SMrs. Strauss
Very sharp, Mr. McGill... and here I thought all lawyers were idiots.
Hah, no, only half of us are idiots. The other half are crooks!
SMrs. Strauss
[both laugh] Aren't you a spicy one!
SMrs. Strauss
If I were 40 years younger, I'd have you buy me a piña colada.
Well, if you want me to draw up a DNR, I'll bring a blender and some pineapple.
SMrs. Strauss
I knew I'd like you when I saw how you saved that poor man on the television. Moxie is in such short supply these days.
Yeah, well, I pride myself on my moxie. Now, I hate to do this, but I do need to bring up my payment. Um, and I'm sorry, but I can't accept S&H Green Stamps, heh. Now, my fee is $140.
SMrs. Strauss
A hundred and forty?
I'll gladly accept seventy today and seventy when I come back with the completed documents-
[Mrs. Strauss immediately pulls out the $140]
SMrs. Strauss
Shall we continue, Mr. McGill?
Yes. Yes, we shall, Mrs. Strauss!
[Jimmy notices his billboard story in Chuck's house]
You think this is the return of Slippin' Jimmy, but it's not.
You think the billboard thing was unethical, but it was promotion. It was advertising, that's all.
Which wasn't even allowed until five Supreme Court justices went completely bonkers in Bates v. State Bar of Arizona.
But in any event, it's legal. If you wanna advertise, that's your business.
Business being the operative word there, Chuck! Because I have gotten business off of this. Legit business, wills, trusts... I'm kind of starting to specialize in elder law.
Yeah, the things the elderly have to deal with, I mean. You know, relatives coming after their savings, telemarketers, reverse-mortgage scams; I mean, getting old sucks! Seniors need someone on their side, so... you're looking at him.
Oh, that sounds... promising... but it has nothing to do with my condition.
Chuck, listen. I'm gonna make you a promise right now, okay?
No, not necessary, not requested.
Okay, the billboard was a one-time thing. I–I'm a good lawyer, I just needed some razzmatazz, you know? To get the ball rolling, some showmanship. That's all it was, it's done now, it's over.
From here on out, I'm gonna play by the rules.
Exactly! There are clients out there who need me, and I'm gonna give them the best representation I know how to provide. I'm on the up-and-up, okay? I will be good; Slippin' Jimmy, he's back in Cicero, dead and buried.
[Late at night, Jimmy is leaving the parking lot when he stops at Mike's booth]
Heeeeey, there he is. The man in the booth, John Wilkes Booth, Booth Tarkington. Whatcha readin' there? The Complete Annotated Book of Rules for Parking Validation?
No, the rules for parking validation are actually pretty simple. Most people get it on the first try.
Well, you’ll be pleased to know I have the requisite stickers. [hands over parking ticket]
[deadpan] Well, be still my heart.
Aaand... you can have this, as well. [hands over business card] I’m doing elder law now. "Need a will? Call McGill." So, give me a call if you, uh—uh, if, uh, you happen to know any elders.
[slightly annoyed] Good night. [presses button to lift the crossarm]
Couldn’t have a bad one if I tried. [drives away]
