Oh, to be nineteen again! You with me, ladies and gentlemen? Do you remember nineteen? Let me tell you, the juices are flowing. The red corpuscles are corpuscling, the grass is green, and it's soft, and summer's gonna last forever. [chuckles; inhales sharply] Now, do you remember? Yeah, you do. [clears throat] But if you're being honest...I mean, well, really honest, you'll recall that you also had an underdeveloped nineteen-year-old brain. Me, personally, I...it...If I were held accountable for some of the stupid decisions I made when I was nineteen... [chuckling] Oh, boy, wow. And I bet if we were in church right now, I'd get a big "amen!" Which brings us to these three...Now, these three knuckleheads. And I'm sorry, boys, but that's what you are. They did a dumb thing. We're not denying that. However, I would like you to remember two salient facts. Fact one: Nobody got hurt, not a soul. Very important to keep that in mind. Fact two: Now, the prosecution keeps bandying this term "criminal trespass." Mr. Spinowzo, the property owner, admitted to us that he keeps most portions of his business open to the public both day and night. So, trespassing? That's a bit of a reach, don't you think, Dave? Here's what I know: These three young men, near honors students all, were feeling their oats one Saturday night, and they just went a little bananas. [chuckles] I don't know. Call me crazy, but I don't think they deserve to have their bright futures ruined by a momentary, minute, never-to-be-repeated lapse of judgment. Ladies and gentlemen, you're bigger than that.
“Uno” · Season 1, Episode 1
In this episode: Jimmy McGill (6), Cal (3), Lars (3), Kim Wexler (1), Mike Ehrmantraut (1), Howard Hamlin (1), Saul Goodman (1)
[Leaving the courthouse parking lot, Jimmy pulls up to the attendant's booth and hands his ticket to the attendant]
[clears throat] Three dollars.
Uh, I’m validated, see the stickers?
Well, I see five stickers. You’re one shy. It’s three dollars.
[sighs] They gave me– look. [sighs again] I’m validated for the entire day, okay? Five stickers, six stickers – I don’t know from stickers, because I was in that court back there saving people’s lives, so... [Mike rolls his eyes]
Well, gee, that’s swell. And thank you for restoring my faith in the judicial system. Now you either pay the three dollars, or you go back inside and you get an additional sticker. [hands back Jimmy's parking ticket]
[mutters angrily] Son of a bitch. [scoffs] Fine. [takes parking ticket] You win. Hooray for you! [scoffs again; yells loudly at the driver behind him] Backing up! I have to back up! I need more stickers! Don’t have enough stickers! Thank you! Thank you, very nice!
[Jimmy backs up his car, then drives and parks it next to a fence and a yellow barrier. He gets out of the car and shuts the door.]
Employee of the Month over here! Yeaaah! [claps his hands] Hooray! Give him a medal! [to two police officers standing at a distance] Don’t do anything, fellas. Just relax, all right?
[Jimmy accidentally runs over a skateboarder on his way home. He panics and gets out of the car.]
Oh God, oh God, oh God! Oh my God, Cal! Cal! Look at me! Are you okay?! Say something! [to Jimmy] What did you do?!
I...
What did you do to my brother?! Why don't you look where you're going?!
I was making a turn, he came outta nowhere!
You freakin' hit him, man! You ran him over! You ran over my brother, [holds up video camera] I got the whole thing on video!
Listen! It was an accident. It was an accident, he... he didn't mean to. [tries to get up and yells in pain]
Is it broken? [to Jimmy] You broke his leg! Why are you driving around and not lookin', driving around breaking people's legs!
Okay, okay!
Somebody call the cops!
Don't–don't call the police! Don't call the police!
[to two gardeners in Spanish] Policia! I'll call them myself. [starts dialing his phone]
Don't call the police!
Don't call the cops?
No!
How are you gonna fix this? What are you gonna do to make things right?
[long pause] I don't know, fellas. What can I do to make it right?
[The skateboarder twins look at each other briefly]
I don't know. [pause] Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred bucks? [another pause; Jimmy kicks Cal in the shin]
OW! What the hell, man?!
Listen, Starlight Express, I’m gonna give you a 9.6 for technique, 0.0 for choice of victim! I’m a lawyer! Furthermore, [points at his car] does this steaming pile of crap scream payday to you, huh?! The only way that entire car is worth $500 is if there’s a $300 hooker sitting in it! Now, let’s talk about what you owe me for the windshield.
[Cal and Lars grab their skateboards and run away from Jimmy]
I'll take a check!
You have meddled with the primal forces of nature, Mr. Hamlin, AND I WON’T HAVE IT!
[over the speaker phone] Do you want me to call security?
It’s okay, Brenda. We got it.
[to the other HHM partners] Hey, Jack. Hey, Nate. Hey, Aaron.
What can we do for you, Jimmy?
I'm sorry. It’s... It’s this table. [walks to where Howard is sitting and shows him a ripped-up check] You can tell me what this $26,000 is supposed to be for.
That’s money for Chuck. Isn’t that what you wanted?
A measly 26 grand? [scoffs] Jesus, you’re like Peter Minuit with the Indians. Throw in some beads and shells while you’re at it.
It's just a start, there'll be more. [pause] Unless you’re just gonna tear them all up.
And why was it made out to me? Why not Chuck?
Can he make his way to the bank? [pause] I just assumed it was best to have the money go through you. We can do it any way you want.
This isn’t going away, Howard. What Chuck did for this firm–and damn near single-handedly, one-third of this place–belongs to him. What do you got, twelve chairs here? Four of these chairs are Chuck's. [points at table lamps] You got five of these light thingamajigs? One and two-thirds are Chuck's! Yeah, six... How many danishes, six danishes?
You can have all the danishes you want, Jimmy.
No, no! They’re Chuck’s danishes! And he isn’t greedy, so he’ll just take two... plus $17 million. In that ballpark. I mean, we’ll know once we get the accountants poking around here. Until then, no penny ante checks trying to make it look like Chuck still works here. He doesn’t. He never will again. It’s time to do right by him and cash him out.
So these are Chuck’s own wishes that you’re conveying?
This is what's best for him.
So he personally told you that it’s his wish to withdraw from the firm? [beat] See, that would surprise me.
It's been nearly a year since he stepped foot in here. I’m just doing what’s in his best interest.
So am I. And I, for one, believe he’s gonna lick this thing. Until then, his office is just how he left it. His secretary’s still on payroll. If Chuck can call this an extended sabbatical, then so can we. He’s that important to us.
You know what? Let’s let a jury figure it out. [sighs; sarcastically] They’re gonna love you, Howard. You’re so down to earth! And relatable!
[Jimmy turns to leave the conference room, but turns around]
AND YOU... WILL... ATONE! [pause; everyone stares at Jimmy] It’s Ned Beatty from Network. For Christ’s sake, guys. [walks out]
Let me tell you about a young guy. Actually, he's about your age. He lived a long way from here, in a town called Cicero, Illinois. And in Cicero, he was the man. I mean, when he strolled down the street, all the corner boys would give him the high five, all the finest babes would smile at him and hope that he would smile back. They called him Slippin' Jimmy, and everybody wanted to be his friend.
"Slippin' Jimmy?" What the hell kind of name is that?
Well, I'll tell you now. Winters in Cicero are murder. You guys grown up out here in the golden west – you don't know, okay? I'm talking cold that'll freeze the snot right in your nose. I'm talking wind that'll cut through your jacket and carve you up like a Ginsu knife. In fact, most folks in Cicero were scared of winter. But not Jimmy. Jimmy waited around all summer. And when September finally rolled around, he'd feel that first cold wind come sweeping off Lake Michigan. He knew it was coming. Was it Christmas? Was it Kwanzaa? Better. It was slip-and-fall season. Soon as it was cold enough, he'd find a nice smooth patch of ice. State Street was good, Michigan Avenue was better. He'd pick a spot, wait for it to get busy, and he'd walk out on the ice and boom! He would diff it so hard, people would come running from five blocks away.
Yeah, but did he collect?
Did he collect? Slippin' Jimmy had it dialed in. One good fall, he'd clear six, eight grand. That'd keep him in Old Milwaukee and Maui Wowie right through Labor Day.
[Jimmy is standing at a street corner with two skateboarders, planning a slip and fall scheme]
Betsy Kettleman’s her name. Every weekday between 2:25 and 2:50, she comes through here on her way to pick up her kids at Kit Carson Elementary. Now, you need a place where she’s gonna slow down, am I right?
Yeah.
All right. Well. There you go. She slows down. She hangs a right. You come shooting out of there. You did what you did to me. You go ass over teakettle. You make it a blue-ribbon special. When she gets out of the car, you’re sufferin' St. Sebastian, right? You’re the hammer, okay? You get in her face. You scare the bejesus out of her. Give me your phone. [Jimmy inputs his number]
It’s kind of busy here. Don’t you think?
Well, witnesses are good. Witnesses are pressure. All right? Now, once you’ve got her good and rattled, then you call for an ambulance. But really, you’re calling for me. I'm number one on your speed dial, right next to your weed dealer. [Jimmy hands back the phone] You call me. I hotfoot it over here. I just "happen" to be driving by. I stop to see what the trouble is. And this is the most important part – you don’t know me. We’ve never met. You got it?
Sure.
Okay. Now, I’m Mrs. K’s white knight. We go mano a mano. You light into me, okay? Get nasty. And no touching. Leave the hair alone. But otherwise, you know, open season. Yell. Stomp. Call me a douchebag. I’m gonna play it cool. Give me back some of the razzmatazz and once she’s seen the fireworks, you fold like a lawn chair – happy ending.
When do we get our money?
After.
After.
After. You get paid when I get paid. I’m the rising tide that raises all dinghies. Now, pop quiz – what’s the car?
Mercury Sable wagon. Baby-poop brown.
Okay. Do you know me?
No.
Damn straight. Go with God.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Better Call Saul pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.