I meant to ask, have you started dunking biscuits into your tea now?
It was the logical next step.
Dunking biscuits you can't eat into tea you can't drink is the logical next step?
S2Cure and Contagion
[George and Mitchell are completely silent]
Okay, shut up! I'm gonna tell you. I have applied for a job.
As what?
Well, it's something that I've always fancied.
Marrying Colin Firth isn't, strictly speaking, a job.
They're advertising for bar staff at the New Found Out.
The pub? That's the job you've always fancied? Jesus, aim for the stars.
[to Annie] Well, your first week's wages are going on HobNobs.
[Sarcastically] The disembodied spirit of a dead woman is getting a job in the service industry. What could possibly go wrong?
It's not about you any more, so there's nothing left for you to do. You're like a piece of um...deadly furniture.
Did you just call me deadly furniture?
It's a lot to take in. I mean werewolves, ghosts, vampires. I didn't even believe in homeopathy before this.
Look, are you okay?
I was a house officer at the Whittington in London. I had a boyfriend, a goldfish, a flat with a garden. When it was someone's birthday at work we'd have wine in mugs and eat Twix fingers and, do you know what? It was lovely. But because I am an idiot and because it was a promotion, I gave it all up and me and my goldfish moved here, where the doctors have an acronym for unattractive female patients; IWEJF - 'I wouldn't even jizz in her face'. And last night, I got home and my goldfish was gone - no body, no note, nothing. So no, I'm really not okay.
Do you have a cat? Because chances are, that's what ate the goldfish.
I don't, but if I did I think I would have made that connection.
A cat must have got in somehow.
Yeah, actually, could you just sort of piss off for a bit? [Pushes him out through the door. Mitchell pauses for a moment, then goes back in, annoyed]
As my best friend so kindly pointed out to me this morning, I don't have a girlfriend, all my family are dead and I mop up puke and pee and shit for five quid an hour. So, much as I sympathise, if we're comparing isolation and disappointment I think I win. [turns to go]
I'm Lucy.
Mitchell.
I keep screwing up, Mitchell.
Then you're in good company.
One day you, the Professor and I will sit and take tea together and gaze up at a full and harmless moon. That will be our reward.
Hey, there's a werewolf called Nina in Buffy!
I've never seen it.
No well, I stopped watching it once, you know, I started living it.
Why don't you just use the phone at my house? I'm only up the road.
HHugh
Well, I don't think that's such a good idea Annie.
SSaul
[Joking] Yeah he's right, I might murder you.
[Laughs] Oh, plenty have tried.
S2Serve God, Love Me and Mend
Someone's been sick in the shop. Some days it's all about the poo but today everyone's...being...sick.
So, that was weird.
I don't know how to talk to you. I know I came on too strong the other day but now...Oh my god, I've become my flatmate.
Okay, look, the replacement goldfish you gave me--
Trevor.
I love him. We have such a laugh. He was the perfect gesture. And...and that's the speed I'm comfortable with, not forever, but just until I get my head... [Sighs.] Trevor was genius.
So...what do we do now? Do I buy you another goldfish?
No, no, see you've gone weird again. How about a coffee?
(Vienna 1999, Carl has Mitchell tied to a chair trying to help him get clean)
Let me go. I've changed my mind.
CCarl
That's tough.
I'm not ready.
CCarl
I remember saying that when I was tied to the chair.
Just let me out, let me go out onto the street and we can start tomorrow.
CCarl
We've already started Mitchell.
(Another man enters)
Dan! Let me out! Let me out you queer or I'll rip your throat out! Rargh!
CCarl
Apologise.
Piss off!!
CCarl
Mitchell, please apologise.
(hangs his head) I'm sorry, Dan. I'm so sorry.
DDan
Are you OK?
CCarl
Yes, just leave us.
How long is this gonna take?
CCarl
Depends, maybe six months.
Why are you doing this?
CCarl
Because it's what you'd do for me.
I'm pretty sure 'werewolf' didn't come up when I spoke to my careers teacher, but life is full of disappointments.
One of the times I tried to properly quit drinking blood, I was living with this vampire, Carl. And he helped me. He's been clean for, what-- I don't know-- twenty years now--
You...um, sorry. You lived with someone...before me?
...What? Yeah, lots of people.
But--Who?!
...Vampires? People-people, I don't know!
Peo--oh, well, that's it.
Oh, god. Don't get all--
What? What?
You! Don't get all you about this. Of course I've lived with other people. You think I've spent the past hundred years waiting for you and your...three different kinds of upholstery cleaner to show up?!
You are being careful aren't you?
Thanks, but I think I'm a bit old and dead for the contraception conversation.
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