Principal McVicker: Oh, you guys think this is funny? You've been to four classes today and you've been sent here four times. And this laughing thing...What the hell is with this laughing thing?! All the teachers are sick of it! Mr. Sherman, your history teacher, says he's completely given up on trying to teach your class about the gay 90s. [Beavis and Butt-Head start laughing harder] See? See?! Now that's exactly what I'm talking about! You are both suspended for a week!
Butt-Head: [He and Beavis stop laughing temporarily, still grinning] Uhhh... what does that mean?
Principal McVicker: I-I-It means I-I-I don't want to see you anywhere near this school for a whole week!
Butt-Head: Cool! [he and Beavis start to act like they are playing guitars to the riff of 'Paradise City' by Guns n' Roses]
Principal McVicker: SHUT UP! Forget it. No no, you're not suspended. No, I've got a better idea. Yeah, hah-hah-hah-hah!! I'm gonna get you guys this time. [He takes a bottle of "Old Crow" out from under his desk, Beavis and Butthead start laughing again as McVicker drinks the whiskey]

Principal McVicker: Uuhh, no! Beavis and Butt-head, what the hell are you doing here?
Butt-head: Ehhh, like, two weeks ago, you told us we were suspended for like two weeks. So I think like now, we might be done being suspended, or something?
Principal McVicker: Uhh, god, I've been dreading this day.
Butt-head: Yeah, me too!
Beavis: Yeah really, school sucks!
Principal McVicker: You watch your mouth, little pain in the ass! Ehh, whose class are you supposed to be in this morning?
Butt-head: Ehh, I think the teacher is a guy. Ehh, Van..., uhh Rigvantrison?
Beavis: Yeah yeah, something like that.
Principal McVicker: Ooh, no. Mr. Van Driessen took his class to the botanical gardens today. Ooh, dammit!
Butt-head: Yeah dammit!
Beavis: Yeah dammit, god damn son of a bitch!
Principal McVicker: You little bastards, watch your language! Ooh, wait a minute. We've just got a new speech therapist on staff. Maybe I'll stick you in her class. Yeah.
Butt-head: He said "in her".
Principal McVicker: Oh, no!
Beavis: Oh, yeah.
[In Speech Therapy Class]

Principal McVicker: You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Butt-head: Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Beavis: Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
Butt-head: No wonder you're gonna lose your job.

Redneck Woman: HEY! IF YOU STEP ON MY PROPERTY AGAIN, I'LL SHOOT YOUR ASS!
[Todd arrives at the parking lot where he is about to attack Beavis for making him spill beer on his jeans.]

Reporter: In your own words, Steven, what is your "raison d'ĂȘtre" ?
Beavis: Um... It's in my pants.
Reporter: Where do you picture yourself in ten years ?
Butt-Head: Uhh... Uh uh... Uhh... Uh uh...
Reporter: You have a 21st-century marketplace you're gonna enter would be global electronic village. How are you preparing yourself for what is bound to be a complex and challenging world ?
Butt-Head: Uhh... You said "enter"... Uh uh...
Reporter: What are you feeling, right now ?
Beavis: My left nad. It itches. Can I say "nad" ?
Reporter: There is no censorship of any kind. This is an independant documentary film. With a generous grant from our friends at the exco corporation.
Butt-Head: Uh uh... Censorship is cool.
Beavis: Yeah. Uh uh... Censorship is cool. Uh uh...
Butt-Head: I like when they put these black boxes on people's thingies.
Beavis: Yeah, like... Somebody's talking. And they say "Get the **BEEEEEEEEEEEEP**"
Off Voice: Oh ! Cut !

Rob Halford: FASTER THAN A BULLET!!!! TERRIFYING SCREAM!!!!!
Beavis: [does an exaggerated impersonation of Rob Halford]
Butt-head: Hey! I feel like killing myself! I feel like killing you!

Ronnie: GO!!!
Beavis: Yeah, GO! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
Butt-Head: You're wasting all our time!
Beavis: What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!

Sagat: Question!
Beavis: [parroting Sagat] Queshtun!
Sagat: Why is it that every time I turn on the radio...
Beavis: Why is it that every time I turn on the rrradio...
Sagat: I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months...
Butt-head: Question. Why is it that Beavis is fiddling with his wiener fifteen times a day for three months?
Beavis: Shut up!
Butt-head: Funk dat!
Beavis: Question! Why is it that every time I ask Butt-head to change the channel because a video sucks, he never does it? Funk dat!

Sagat: Question...
Butt-head: Queshtun.
Beavis: Queshtun.
Butt-head: That's pretty good, Beavis.
Beavis: Yeah, thanks.

Samantha Fox: Sex was something I just had...
Butt-head: Whoa! She just had sex?
Beavis: Yeah!
Butt-head: Why don't they show that?
Beavis: Yeah! She said she just had sex.
Butt-head: It wasn't with any of those guys.

Scott Weiland: Flies in the vasoline...
Beavis: Flies in the Vaseline? That's cool.
Butt-head: Yeah. Remember when we put the fly in the gasoline? It was cool.
Beavis: Yeah, but um, he didn't say gasoline, Butt-head, he said Vaseline. I think that's like something different.
Butt-head: I know that, dumbass! Dammit Beavis, you always ruin everything.
Beavis: No I don't! I was just saying he was talking about Vase--look, it's a dog's nads! Is that what you were talking about?
Butt-head: Uh...yeah, I think that was it.
Beavis: That was cool.
Stranglers, Skin Deep

Security guard: What are you doing with your jobs? Let me handle this! [to customer] Did you purchase that, ma'am?
Female shopper: Yes, I did!
Security guard: [embarrassed with shame] I apologize, ma'am for misunderstanding. It was just a cavity search. [laughs nervously]
Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah. Heh heh heh.
[Furiously, the shopper slapped the security guard in the face]

Selene Vigil: We're all so smart, and we're all so dense...
Butt-head: Uh...I think this song is supposed to be about how we're all stupid and stuff.
Beavis: What do you mean? Like WE'RE stupid, or like everybody's stupid?
Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, I don't know! I'm not some rocket...some rocketship or something.
Shaggy, Boombastic

Sergeant: Seems you boys joined by assigning youselves a rank. So, which one of you signed up as "Major Woody" and "Private Parts?!" Why you little pinkos!

Sergent: Has anybody in your familiy been in the service?
Butt-Head: Uh, Beavis's dad was in the navy.
Sergent: Is that so?
Butt-Head: Yea he was a seman.