Nurse:...On your tests.
Beavis: ...oh. [zips back up]

Officer: I'm with immigration, and if you don't show me some proof of residency I'm gonna have to take you with
Cornholio: You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole!

Officer: Oh, yeah. And he keeps saying that he needs "TP for his bunghole".
Supervisor: What the hell's a bunghole?
Cornholio: You are a bunghole! And so am I. There will be many more bungholes after me!
Officer: [reading from dictionary] Bunghole: a hole in a barrel or keg used for pouring in or drawing out liquid.
Supervisor: This kid's messed up. Let's take him back to Mexico. We'll have the federales deal with him.
Officer: Come on, Cornholio. It's time to go home.
Cornholio: Are you threatening me? You will give me TP!
Officer: I know your bunghole needs TP. We'll get you plenty of TP, and your bunghole will be just fine.
Cornholio: I'd hate for my bungholio to get polio.

Old woman: What happened to my spectacles?
Butt-head: Uh, your testicles?

Optometrist: Now what do you see [points to vision test board]
Beavis: Ummm. Uh, the alphabet. Heh Heh.

Optometrist: You're not leaving until you get one right.
Points to the letter "O"

Orthodontist: Well, Butt-head, we're not seeing a lot of progress here. Have you been wearing your rubber bands and headgear at night?
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, headgear.

Pet store attendent: Will there be anythings else?
Butt-Head: Do you have any dead animals?

Phil Anselmo: WRONG!!!
Butt-head: [imitates Anselmo's singing style] HUH HUH HUH HUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!
Beavis: Keep singing, Butt-head, that was pretty good. Go on, do it again.
Butt-head: Uhh, okay. [imitates Anselmo's singing style] I BEEN WRONG FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!
Beavis: Yeah yeah! Right on, man. Rock!

Phil Daniels: I get up when I want, except on Wednesdays, when I get rudely wakened by the dustmen...
Butt-head: What the hell language is he speaking?
Beavis: I don't know. It's like, I can hear some American words in there, but then, it's like, I can't really tell what he's saying.
Butt-head: Yeah. This must be English. [Beavis utters mock British gibberish] England sucks. You know those asswipes the Beatles? They ruined music!

Phone operator: Injury hotline
Butt-head: Uh, I've been injured.
Phone operator: You have?
Butt-head: Yeah, I've got a big crack in my butt.

Police Officer #1: We're looking for a person named Todd.
Beavis: Uh, he's not here. Uh huh huh.
Police Officer #1: That's not what I heard from.
Butt-head: Uh, sirs. I'm afraid I have to kick your ass. Huh huh.
Beavis: And I will kick you in the nads.
[The police officers drag the boys out of the door and arrested them]

Policeman: Oh no, not another elderly woman flying down the street. They never learn.

Principal McVicker: [Giving speech at fund-raiser] I would gladly give back all the money, just to see Beavis and Butt-head one more time.
Butt-head: Okay, McDicker, give us some money.
Principal McVicker: What!?
Beavis: Where the hell are the dead people?
Principal McVicker: Uhhh, you're supposed to be dead!
[Principal McVicker struggles with Beavis and Butthead. He then sees the memories of the boys' antics and soon has a heart attack]

Principal McVicker: I don't know what you're thinking, but I simply cannot have students roaming the halls, interrupting other classes, and giving prophecies of a great plague.