Mr. Van Driessen: This is called a mortar board, and it comes with this tassel which many graduates say is a momento of their special day. Perhaps some of your older brothers and sisters still have theirs.
Butt-head: Oh yeah! My uncle has one of those hanging on his dashboard.
Mr. Van Driessen: Good, Butt-head! He must have saved it from his own high school graduation.
Butt-head: Uh...no. He didn't go to high school. He got it off the boob of some chick in a nudey bar.
Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head...there's a big difference in the meaning of the two. I hope that someday you get to understand that.

Mr. Van Driessen: Today, we're going to explore the world of haiku.
Butt-head: We're gonna explore the world of getting high? Cool! Huh huh.
Mr. Van Driessen: No, Butt-head. Not "high, cool". But, the ancient, Japanese, spare, haunting poetry called "haiku".

Mrs. Dickie: Therefore we can say that any two amoeba are identical twins since they have the same genetic makeup. They are all the same sex and can reproduce by themselves. [Beavis and Butt-Head begin to laugh, while Butt-head shakes and throws two dice] So all sperm cells contain either an X chromosome or a Y chromosome, and-
Butt-Head: She said sperm.
Mrs. Dickie: Depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg - I said, depending on which sperm cell fertilizes the egg, the zygote will be either male or female - SHUT UP!!! [Beavis & Butt-Head continue to laugh] McVicker's office, now!
[At McVicker's Office. Beavis and Butt-head are laughing.]

Mrs. Stevenson: Aren't you being a little hard on the Beavis?
Butt-head: Huh huh huh, hard. Huhuhuhuh, on.

Mrs. Steveson: Now dear, don't you think you should go to work today?
Butt-head: Uh, no. [rubs her arm]

Ms. Jenkins: Well, good morning everyone. My name is Miss Jenkins and I'm a speech therapist. And I guess a lot of you were wondering "why do I need speech therapy?"
Beavis: Yeah.
Ms. Jenkins: I already know how to speak. What can I learn here? You know, sometimes people don't even realize they have a speech impediment.
Beavis: What's a speech im-pediment?
Butt-head: Speech im-pediments suck!
Ms. Jenkins: A person shouldn't be ashamed of having a speech impediment. As a matter of fact, many highly intelligent and creative people are speech impaired.
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, that dude has boob.
Ms. Jenkins: And once they begin to be more aware of how they sound, they are better able to correct themselves.
Beavis: Butt-head, that what I think it is?
Butt-head: Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'm glad to hear that Butt-head and we're all glad to have you on our little speech team.
Butt-head: Eee, can you get out of the way?
Beavis: Yeah really.
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll tell you what boys. I have some other pictures in my briefcase that are even more interesting than that one.
Butt-head: Really?
Beavis: What could be more interesting than this?
Ms. Jenkins: Well, how about a picture taken from right up inside the larynx?
Beavis: Wow, no way!
Butt-head: How could you get a camera up there?
Ms. Jenkins: Well, I'll be happy to show you after you practice this next exercise, OK?
Butt-head: This is gonna be cool.
Beavis: Yeah yeah, boi-oi-oi...
Ms. Jenkins: OK now, we're going to use these mirrors to observe our lips, and teeth, and tongue during speech.
Butt-head: Butt-munch, dill-lead.
Beavis: Ass-wipe, butt-hole.
Butt-head: Ass-munch
Ms. Jenkins: Butt-head, this might be a good time to work on your "s".
Butt-head: Eeeh, I didn't know my ass needed any work.
Ms. Jenkins: Now don't get defensive Butt-head, I just want to try to clean it up a little, OK? Now try this. Make a "t" sound, then throw it out like this. Everyone, let's try to help Butt-head, OK?
Butt-head: Hey Beavis, check it out!
Ms. Jenkins: Settle down please, all right boys? OK. What I'd like everyone to do is to repeat these sentences while watching your mouth in your mirrors, OK? All right, here goes: Speaking slowly as such can say just as much.
Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "ass munch"!
Beavis: Yeah, this chick rules. "Ass munch"!
Ms. Jenkins: Very good, boys! As much.
Beavis: Ass munch!
Butt-head: Ass munch!
Ms. Jenkins: All right, let's try this one. Half haste helps, but whole haste hinders.
Butt-head: Whoa, she just said "butthole"!
Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole!
Ms. Jenkins: But whole haste...
Beavis: Yeah yeah, butthole butthole! This is cool. Bunghole!
Ms. Jenkins: No no Beavis, listen closely. But whole, but whole.
Beavis: Oooh yeah yeah.
Principal McVicker: I just came by to see if these two little bastards have done anything I can suspend them for.
Ms. Jenkins: Actually principal McVicker, these boys have done very well. Beavis, Butt-head, would you like to show your principal what you've learned today?
Butt-head: Assmunch
Beavis: And butthole. Butthole.
Principal McVicker: Watch your mouth, you little sons of bitches.
Ms. Jenkins: Principal, please. Now I don't want you to take this to the wrong way, principal. But I've noticed that you have a litle trouble expressing yourself sometimes.
Principal McVicker: What?
Butt-head: McVicker is a dumbass. He doesn't know how to talk to chicks.
Beavis: Yeah really. He's probably like "....." Boi-oi-oi...

Narrator: And now, the twisted Madam Olga will teach you a lesson you'll never forget.
Beavis: I think this is Tales From the Crypt! Alright. Sometimes they show boobs.
Butt-head: Uhh, I don't think so, Beavis. I don't see the Crypt Keeper.
Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. You know that Crypt Keeper, he's got, like, wrinkled up skin and everything? I always wondered what his nutsack looked like.
Butt-head: You're a prevert, Beavis.
Beavis: Well, you know, it's probably all scary-looking. [imitating the Crypt Keeper] Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaa!!! Good evening, boys and ghouls!
Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis. I'm gonna kick you in the nutsack.
Beavis: Eheheheheh! Naturally! Here's a little tale from my nutsack!
Butt-head: That's enough, Beavis.

Neighbor: You are going to pay for this Anderson

News Reporter: When asked how a teenage boy could have commited a crime that happened more than 2 decades ago, a police spokesman explained, quote, "He's very clever".
Season 5

Nitzer Ebb: An anchor!
Butt-head: [mocking their accents] Like an ankaa.
Beavis: Like an ankaa!
Butt-head: An ankaa.
Beavis: It's pronounced anchor! Anchor! Can you say that? Err! Err! Dumbass. Ank-err!

Nitzer Ebb: What you say should be from your own mind...
Butt-head: What you say should be from your own mind? That's stupid.
Beavis: Yeah really, because like, sometimes I can't hear all those voices in my mind, you know, and...wait a minute, Butt-head, I'm getting something. Mm-hm? Yeah? Butt-head, I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back. [exits, jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
Butt-head: Hey Beavis! Come here! This sucks!
Beavis: Hang on a second, I'll be right out! [jabbers in Cornholio-style gibberish]
Mojo Nixon, Elvis is Everywhere

Nurse: [with parents and their newborn baby] He's so beautiful! What are you gonna name him?
Father: Well, we've always liked the name, Theo-
Beavis: I am Cornholio! You will name your baby, Bungholio! An albino? Hoolio, bunghholio! He will be an albino! [walks away as Butt-Head approaches] And a gringo.
Butt-Head: Uh, are you gonna feed him with your boob? That would be cool.

Nurse: Here's a prescription for some special shampoo and cream for skin irritation.
Butt-head: [laughs] She said foreskin.
Beavis: Yeah. Foreskin irritation.

Nurse: Well gentlemen, go to work.
[Beavis unzips his pants]

Nurse: Where's your container?
Beavis: I was supposed to use a container?
[Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson and the sperm doctor are shocked to find the boys goofing off juggling the jars]