Mr. Van Driessen: Now Butt-Head, please make your report about a figure in American history.
Butt-Head: Uhh. Okay. Uhh, my report is, uhh, my report is about the time I kicked Beavis in the nads and he was, like, passed out all day.

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, let's see, who hasn't gone yet? Beavis! Are you ready to inspire us with your report?
Butt-head: [awakens Beavis by slapping him] You're next, dillhole!
Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis! Stand up and tell us about the woman you admire the most!
Beavis: Um... oh yeah... OK.
Mr. Van Driessen: Go ahead! Reveal to us the identity of this profoundly influential female!
Beavis: Oh yeah! Um, uh... oh yeah. My mom!
Butt-head: You wuss.
Mr. Van Driessen: Butt-head, I hope your report is a little more wider in scope than Beavis's.
Butt-head: The woman I admire most, is... uh... Beavis's mom.

Mr. Van Driessen:Students, can I have your attention? There's been a terrible tragedy...and I wanted you to hear it from me first-
Principal McVicker: (over PA) Listen up! Beavis and Butt-head are dead! There will be an emergency meeting in the teachers' conference room in five minutes, followed by a brief party. WHOO! YEAH!

Mr. Van Driessen: Being in the captivity of nature without women is the perfect way to wrestle with your manhood.
Butt-head: Beavis wrestles with his manhood.
Beavis: Yeah, heh, I usually win.

Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Cassandra. You will go far in life.
Beavis: Heheheheh...tassel.
Mr. Van Driessen: Congratulations, Butt-head. You have many...uh, qualities. (quietly and with a hint of embarrassment) Here's your diploma, Beavis. (While the other students return to their seats, Beavis & Butt-head walk out thinking it was an actual graduation)

Mr. Van Driessen: Grab a pole.
[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: It's ironic that we in this country who cherish freedom occasionally support governments who are less responsive to human rights. We're fortunate to have had a very stable government for over 200 years. In other parts of the world, they aren't so lucky. The struggle for freedom is by no means over. It still goes on today in places like Nicaragua, El Salvador, and Panama...
Beavis: Nicaragua? Agua! AGUA FOR MY BUNGHOLE!!!
Mr. Van Driessen: Beavis, please sit down.
Beavis: Are you threatening me? I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO!
Mr. Van Driessen: Come on, Beavis, take your seat. Now, technically America is not a democracy but a republic....
Beavis: (to Daria) Do you have TP? TP for my bunghole?
Daria: Get out of here, Beavis.
Beavis: Uhh, Okay.

Mr. Van Driessen: Now Beavis, try and get in touch with your inner male.
Beavis: Heheh, no way! Not with a bunch of dudes watching!

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, Beavis and Butt-head, if you could grow any type of food, what would you grow?
Beavis: Heh heh. Um...nachos.
Butt-head: Nachos aren't a plant, dumbass. They, like, make 'em from stuff.
Mr. Van Driessen: That's right, Butt-head. And corn is an excellent choice. Or, as the Native Americans call it, "maize".
Beavis: No, no, no. We want to grow nachos.
Mr. Van Driessen: In a few months, Beavis, when the corn grows, you'll be able to make your own nachos.
Beavis: Yeah, but we can go to Maxi-Mart and get some right now.
Butt-head: Yeah, but this is school. They have to do everything ass-backwards.

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, I'm going to close my eyes, and I want you to wow me.
Butt-head: Uh...Is that allowed on school property?

Mr. Van Driessen: Now, works by the master painters of the centuries!
[Beavis and Butt-head break into laughter. Daria enters]

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, boys, lets erect this thing.
[Beavis and Butt-head laugh when they emerge from the bushes in their underwear, and then they begin to itch from the poison ivy]

Mr. Van Driessen: OK, Stew, let's pitch a tent.
[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]

Mr. Van Driessen: Okay, class. I'm very disappointed with your test scores.
Butt-head: We scored.

Mr. Van Driessen: Stick it in the hole, Stewart.
[Beavis and Butt-head laugh]