A character in Barney Miller
Played by Hal Linden
Barney Miller · 65 quotes
Most-quoted character in Barney Miller: in 30 of its 65 quotes
Most scenes with: Phil Fish (11), Wojo Wojciehowicz (10), Nick Yemana (6)
BarneyYou know, you kiss good for a social worker.
Oh, thanks. Thanks. My field supervisor will be very pleased. She asked me if I had good relations with the police.
BarneyWhat did you tell her?
I said, uh, whenever I could.
Did they tell you why they need a new chief of police?
BarneyThe old chief passed away.
He died of boredom. He was sitting behind his desk one day, in his office, when a guy who was bored came in and shot him.
I got a look at him, and I'll know him when I see him again 'cause I marked him.
BarneyYou shot him?
I bit him in the neck.
Oh, Harris has got another theory. Sherlock Holmes.
I mean, psychology is a very important part of modern criminology.
[Wojo blows a raspberry]
BarneyWojo, hold off your rebuttal 'til later.
BarneyOh, Wojo. Wonderful to see you again.
Oh, yeah, uh, I overslept a little.
BarneyDidn't your alarm go off?
Yeah, it went off. But I was in a different borough at the time.
[on the phone] Lady, who you gonna listen to, me or your computer?
Barney[to Yemana] Doesn't look good.
You won't believe this, but according to their records I'm deceased.
BarneyIt's probably a mistake.
I wonder.
BarneyHow do you feel?
Fine, fine, fine. It's just a little stone from eating the wrong foods.
BarneyYou'd better call Bernice. She was very worried.
I intend to. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.
I thought you guys said you got 20 kilos of marijuana.
Yeah, that's it.
There's eighteen now.
What?
BarneyEighteen? You sure?
I just counted it.
BarneyCount it again.
You must have made a mistake, Wojo.
I didn't make a mistake.
Well, somebody did. Four pounds of marijuana can't disappear in a puff of smoke—not that fast.
BarneyThis is beautiful. Rioting, fistfights, vandalism—it's a lovely way to celebrate the bicentennial.
You get to be 200 years old, I guess you get a little cranky.
BarneyDetective Wojciehowicz is going send out an APB on the missing animal. Do you have a description?
Oh, yeah: Brown eyes, brown hair, two white stockings, stands about 6' 3", and weighs about 1,200 pounds. Hey, Barn? Whadya say we don't tell 'em it's a horse?
BarneyI think you better tell them. They may come up with somebody.
Barney[after his blow up] Listen everyone... I'd like to apologize to everybody. I'm the one who's always saying "keep things in perspective" and...
Hey forget it, Barney. We were all depressed tonight.
You're just the first person to put it into screams.
Nobody saw anything. Nobody heard anything. Just like always.
You'd think some guy walking around the street with a rifle would attract a little bit of attention, wouldn't you?
BarneyMaybe if he didn't have any clothes on.
Maybe.
Barn. I got a confession to make.
BarneyWhat's that?
I got sick on the plane.
BarneyOh listen, that happens to everybody. I myself have used those little bags many times.
What little bags?
[Fish has brought Hurley, who was caught naked in a laundromat]
I s'pose you guys never take your clothes off.
BarneyNot in a laundromat.
Or with the lights on.
Wojo and Harris chased the guy down into the sewer.
BarneyThe sewer?!
[about to go into the bathroom] I'd better wait. I may be obstructing justice.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Barney Miller pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
