Angel · Season 5
If this is our chance to get into a better grace with the head office, I have to say it's not my priority.
Oh, no, don't think about us, Angel. Think about profits. It's profits that let you keep this plucky little boat-load of good above water. It's a business, boys, not a Batcave.
Well, I'll tell you what--still like him better than Eve.
What if she blows?
Conservative estimate, she takes out the better part of Los Angeles.
And unconservative?
Rand McNally will have to alter their maps.
Do you know what you were when I was young? You were the muck at our feet! We called you the ooze that eats itself. You were pretty at night, you sparkled and you stank! You still stink of it!
Will you just shut up for once!
What!?
My God, the speechifying! Has it ever occurred to you that right now might not be the best time for when-we-were-muck stories!
If you wanna win a war, you must serve no master but your ambition.
[to Illyria] It's not murder if you say yes.
All right, grandma. Give you that. Good one.
This shell... you had affection for it, for Fred.
Tons. Loved the bird.
Yet you strike at her form without sentiment.
You ain't her. I can see it. Lord knows I can smell i, and I got no problem hitting it.
You're adapting.
We do that.
Adaptation is compromise.
It's called learning. But then I guess you know everything there is to know.
When the world met me, it shuddered, groaned. It knelt at my feet.
"Dear Penthouse, I don't normally write letters like this, but—"
[punches him in the face] Illyria was all they needed to know.
Then came the Internet.
You have nothing. Your kind has pulled this domain apart. Each of you has snatched a tiny piece of it. Even those with the mightiest hordes are paupers.
The one who dies with the most toys wins, eh?
To never die, and to conquer all. That is winning.
Now, that's cheating.
[speaking in comm] Spike, talk to you for a minute?
You may go.
Yeah, great. Thanks so much.
William...
Bloody hell! That right bastard!
The Immortal thinks he can do this to us?
He doesn't know who he's dealing with.
Well, he's about to find out.
He's gonna curse the day he ever crossed purpose with Angelus.
And William the Bloody.
See just how immortal he is, when we're done with him.
[regaining his Irish accent] We'll carve him up like a Sunday roast and make him watch as we feast on his steaming flesh.
[still struggling with restrains]
How you doing?
Bugger!
I helped save the world, you know.
Like I haven't.
Yeah, but I've done it a lot more.
Oh, please.
Closed the Hellmouth.
I've done that.
Yeah, but you wore a necklace. You know, I helped kill the Mayor, and uhm... Jasmine.
Do those really count as saving the world?
I stopped Acathla. That saved the world.
Buffy ran you through with a sword.
Yeah, but I made her do it. Signalled her with my eyes.
She killed you. I helped her. That one counts as mine.
[about Buffy] How'd she ever fall for a centuries old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil?
[Angelus and William have just discovered a limp and disheveled Darla lying naked, face-down in bed.]
Darla. Darla! Darla! What have they done? My sweet death.
Angelus. You're back.
I'd claw my way back from the depths of hell to lay by your side.
[Pulls her into his arms for a kiss, but recoils, drops her, stands and wipes his mouth.]
He's tasted you.
Who?
Who do ya think?
Well, that cheeky bastard. Had us tossed and then violates your woman.
Did he hurt you?
Not until I asked him to. Oh, come on. Have you seen him? With the eyes and the chest and the... immortality.
We're immortal.
Not like him. I mean, he's not some common vampire. He's... I don't know what he is. A giant. A titan straddling good and evil, serving no master but his own considerable desires.
Darla...
And spiritual. Did you know he spent 150 years in a Tibetan monastery? Which I guess explains all the desire.
He's my arch-nemesis.
Darling. It was just fornication. Really great fornication.
She's glowing, mate.
She isn't.
Little bit.
Best fit you for a pair of antlers. Been made the right cuckold, you have.
Time for another pony ride?
Son of a bitch!
The both of ya?
He's insatiable.
Drusilla, you--you let him touch you?
He felt like sunshine.
Uh, no. No.
That's why he had us tossed. So he could violate...
He didn't...
Violate our women!
Violate in succession!
Concurrently.
Concurrently? You never let us do that!
Come on, Dru. Let's have a bath so the boys can weep in private.
Will you hold me under the water?
If you wish.
[The women walk into the next room giggling.]
Rrrrarrgh! [throws a vase against the wall, shattering it] This is a slight that will not go unmet.
Death's too quick.
Not all deaths are quick.
What do you have in mind?
I think it's time The Immortal found out exactly who he's dealing with. I think it's time for blood vengeance.
And you, what an honor! The great Angelus.
Actually, it's just Angel.
Ah, yes, of course. The Gypsies, they gave you your soul. The Gypsies are filthy people. [spits] And we shall speak of them no more.
You must be so lonely. Your girlfriend has become lovers with The Immortal. How unfortunate for you. And how fortunate for her.
You know The Immortal?
But of course.
Ha! I knew it. None of this is a coincidence.
Been his plan all along. Steal our head, keep us busy, and traipse off with my girl. [Angel gives him a look] Our girl.
It's a setup. You're just his lackey.
I should be so lucky. The Immortal does not need men like me to do his business. He is a wild card, a wolf removed from the pack, a stallion without, uh, the bridle.
What, are you in love with him?
No, no, no, no. Well, OK, yes. But if anything, he's more of a, uh, inspiration, a spiritual guide. Have you read his book? Is a life changer.
[whispers to Spike] I'm gettin' a little tired of Italy.
Know what you mean.
OK. No more games!
[He pulls out a gun and aims it at the bag and everyone stops fighting, but then Angel elbows a man behind him, getting in one final blow.]
One more step, and the head gets it, hey? We are not animals. We are italiano. You give us the money, we give you the head.
[Angel and Spike don't move; they just stare]
You give us the money, we give you the head.
[Angel and Spike stare]
The money, the head. The money...
Yeah. We get it. [hits Spike] Money.
[Spike gets the money and walks toward the demon. He holds out the money, but pulls it back.]]
Hey!
[They switch bags at the same time.]
Arrivederci, americanos. It was a pleasure to do the business with you.
[Demon Butler chuckles; he and his men leave]
You should get away. Vacation? You know that word? Go to Cabo, drink margaritas, midnight skinny-dipping, making love on the beach... did you catch how I subtly included myself in your little vacation package?
Nina...
Too pushy, too needy, I never even said it. You should make love on the beach all by yourself.
I've grown wary of this world since my powers were depleted. Strange... though I've been made more human, this place remains disconcerting.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid that never goes away. Anyhow, I thought Wesley was giving you a primer on all things human.
He and I are no longer having intercourse.
Yeah, I... you what? What?
He has ceased communication with me.
Oh! Oh. Communi--
My recent reversion to the Burkle persona disturbed him. And he will not tell me why.
You don't know? You may not think you're as powerful as you were, Highness, but looking like Fred, for some of us... it's the most devastating power you have.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Angel pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
