All That quotes

We have paid people to tell you how great The Brute really is!

I used to be Bruteless; now, I have The Brute. [The Brute knocks her out]

Thanks to The Brute, I no longer have to pay for haircuts.

Hi. My name's Lester Oaks, Construction Worker, and I never had a date before I met The Brute. [The Brute, dressed as a woman, appears, and screams in disgust] Pardon me, The Brute! [Lester tries to hug him, but The Brute backs away]

This is me before The Brute. [now looking beaten-up, with a black eye, a neck brace, her right arm in a sling, her hair disheveled, and her clothing in tatters]: This is me after The Brute. Thank you, The Brute.

[pretends to take a student's picture with a life-sized replica of an iguana] That picture's gonna come out just great!

But, that's not a camera; that's an iguana.

You can't prove that!

She doesn't know what she's talking about, Mr. Camera.

Look, nut! This is a camera, and that's an iguana.

And I'm a goat. [He bleats like a goat, and eats a handful of grass.]

A freak bag is what you are.

That's him! That's the little hooligan that tied me up and hid me under the desk!"

Fine, I'm not the real yearbook photographer. I'm just a guy named Stuart. But you know something? If I was the real yearbook photographer, I'd be the best yearbook photographer IN ALL THE LAND! People would come up to me and say 'Oh, Stuart, you're the best yearbook photographer...EVER!!!!!' You all sicken me!! Now I'm going to get on my pterodactyl and go. C'mon, Terence.

"Hi, I'd like a Good Punch."

"Okay." [Ed punches the customer in the face, KO-ing him.]

"Why did you hit me? All I did was ask for a Good Punch!" [Ed knocks him out again.]

"Okay, I think I've got it now. I keep asking for a Good Punch, and you keep hitting me repeatedly, with that in mind. I would like to order one Good Soda. That is S-O-...D-A...'soda'."

"One Good Soda."

"Right." [Ed punches him out again.]

[Describing the perils of live television] "...And if things go horribly wrong, we'll show this video clip of Rhineheart the Dancing Monkey-Boy."

"You don't have to go to the doctor to get your reflexes checked, Fuzz. I can do that right here".

"Really, Leroy? You know how to check reflexes?"

"Sure".

"Your reflexes are a little slow, little buddy".

"Oh, I don't feel very good, and my head's throbbing".

"Maybe I should check your blood pressure".

"Oh, I don't know, Leroy; I think it's because you hit me in the head with a giant mallet".

"Um, this is a stick."

"Now, it's two sticks."

"Oooo! Very good, Jasper! That science project will have many uses in the computer industry!" "Now, our next show and tell student is Throckmorton."

"Well, for show and tell today, I brought my new...instant juicer! My Uncle Wayne gave it to me, for Nephew Day."

"Wow! A juicer; well, that's terrific! Now, what does it do?"

"Well, first, you put the fruit in on top, like this."

"Then, you press the button."

"And, voilà...juice!"

"Here, try some."

[after tasting the orange juice] "Mmmm! It tastes like sunshine on a Saturday morning!"

Excuse me, can I have change for a 20?

Oo-oo, of course you can, 'cause this is Quik'N'Fast, the bank!

[to LaTanya] Wait a minute, girl! I thought this was Quik'N'Fast, the store!

Oo-oo-oo; you is so right, LaNeesha! I was wrong, you was right; I was wrong, you was right! [to the customer] So, I guess you gonna hafta buy somethin' to get your change, then!

Okay, fine, I'll...take this pack of gum.

And I give you your change! (She pours a beach pailful of pennies onto the counter.) 1...3...13...it's all here.

Hey, I didn't want pennies!

Oooo, Ms. Fussy was just beggin' for change, and now she don't want it!

Maybe she should come back when she knows what she wants, okay? Bye!

"Fuzz, we're not done yet. We should have a blow-dryer."

[a blue puppet, voiced and operated by Kevin Carlson] "A blow-dryer? But that's not a blow-dryer; that's an industrial strength leaf-blower!"

♪ Hi-i-i, everyone…it’s time for “Ask Ashley” ♪…

Tha-a-at’s me!

Hi, I’m Ashley, and I’m here to answer your letters. Our first letter comes from…Kirsten Fabian of New Orleans, Idaho. Mikey writes, “Dear Ashley…”

Tha-a-at’s me!

“Dear Ashley, I was at the zoo yesterday, and saw the strangest dog. It was swinging from tree to tree, eating bananas. When I tried to pet it, it pounded on its chest, grunted at me, and ran off. Why doesn’t this little doggie like me?”.

Gee, Lucinda. Maybe because it’s not a dog. IT’S A STINKIN’ MONKEY! A monkey, you dunderheaded dodo! And what a coincidence; I’m also a dinosaur.

Mmmm. Tastes like chicken.

And what do you think, Mr. Teddy Bear?

Oopsy! Looks like Mr. Teddy lost his heady!

Our next letter comes from…Debbie Cossetto of Salt Lake City, Alaska. Malcolm writes, “Dear Ashley…”

Tha-a-at’s me!

“Dear Ashley, everywhere I go, people kick me. It all started a few days ago, when someone slapped me on the back. My friend Janey pointed at my back, and saw something attached to it. But I’m not sure what she was getting at. Ashley, please help”. Gee, Gertrude. It might help to TAKE THE STINKIN’ “KICK ME” SIGN OFF YOUR BACK!

“I’m Wayne, and I have a ‘KICK ME’ sign taped to my back, and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH”!

And speaking of blah-dee-blahs, let’s mambo!

Hey, we were watching television, and saw you with the dinosaurs and dancing and whatnot, and, well…

Yeah; who are you tryin’ to kid? You ain’t no Ask Ashley!

Why, whatever do you mean? I hope you’re not suggesting I tied up the real Ashley, and hid her over there by the camera lady!

You WHAT?!

That’s him! He tied me up and put me next to this camera lady!

Camera lady, you let this boy tie up Ask Ashley, and you didn’t do anything about it?!

Sorry.

All right, fine! I’m not the real “Ask Ashley”. I’m just a guy, named Stuart.

But you know something? If I was the real Ask Ashley, I’d be the greatest Ashley IN ALL THE LAND! And whenever I’d give advice, people from everywhere would say, “Oh; why, Ashley, that was the most beautiful advice I’ve ever heard…EVER!” You all sicken me.

Except you. Thanks for the help. Now, there’s only one thing left for me to do…buh-bye, everybody!

YOOOOUUU!! You have angered Helga! (grabs Dectective Dan by his trench coat) Now you must pay!

Don't mind if I do!

Hey, everyone! Before the musical guest comes on, I wanted to show you my magic powers!

Ooh, aah!

That's right! I'm going to turn these ice cubes into a glass of water!

Hmmm. This trick usually takes a few hours. Hey, I know! I'll just turn this grapefruit into NSYNC instead! Alaka-ZAM!

Where are we?

And why do we smell like grapefruit?

Hey! Could you--hey! Could you bring me--hey! Could you bring me a balloon?

"I'm not Superdude! I'm...Soupdude!"

"Christina Kirkman...loves to pick her brother's nose..."

"Gross! I don't even have a brother...and if I did, he could pick his own nose, without my assistance".