♪ Hi-i-i, everyone…it’s time for “Ask Ashley” ♪…
Tha-a-at’s me!
Hi, I’m Ashley, and I’m here to answer your letters. Our first letter comes from…Kirsten Fabian of New Orleans, Idaho. Mikey writes, “Dear Ashley…”
Tha-a-at’s me!
“Dear Ashley, I was at the zoo yesterday, and saw the strangest dog. It was swinging from tree to tree, eating bananas. When I tried to pet it, it pounded on its chest, grunted at me, and ran off. Why doesn’t this little doggie like me?”.
Gee, Lucinda. Maybe because it’s not a dog. IT’S A STINKIN’ MONKEY! A monkey, you dunderheaded dodo! And what a coincidence; I’m also a dinosaur.
(He imitates a T. rex, and rips open a pillow and eats some of the stuffing)
Mmmm. Tastes like chicken.
(He picks up a Teddy bear)
And what do you think, Mr. Teddy Bear?
(He rips off the Teddy bear’s head)
Oopsy! Looks like Mr. Teddy lost his heady!
(He discards the Teddy bear)
Our next letter comes from…Debbie Cossetto of Salt Lake City, Alaska. Malcolm writes, “Dear Ashley…”
Tha-a-at’s me!
“Dear Ashley, everywhere I go, people kick me. It all started a few days ago, when someone slapped me on the back. My friend Janey pointed at my back, and saw something attached to it. But I’m not sure what she was getting at. Ashley, please help”. Gee, Gertrude. It might help to TAKE THE STINKIN’ “KICK ME” SIGN OFF YOUR BACK!
“I’m Wayne, and I have a ‘KICK ME’ sign taped to my back, and blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-blah-dee-BLAH”!
And speaking of blah-dee-blahs, let’s mambo!
(Music plays, and he starts dancing; two police officers show up)
Hey, we were watching television, and saw you with the dinosaurs and dancing and whatnot, and, well…
Yeah; who are you tryin’ to kid? You ain’t no Ask Ashley!
Why, whatever do you mean? I hope you’re not suggesting I tied up the real Ashley, and hid her over there by the camera lady!
(Sure enough; this is precisely what he's done to Ashley)
You WHAT?!
(The officers walk over, and Officer #1 unties Ashley)
That’s him! He tied me up and put me next to this camera lady!
Camera lady, you let this boy tie up Ask Ashley, and you didn’t do anything about it?!
Sorry.
All right, fine! I’m not the real “Ask Ashley”. I’m just a guy, named Stuart.
(He removes his wig)
But you know something? If I was the real Ask Ashley, I’d be the greatest Ashley IN ALL THE LAND! And whenever I’d give advice, people from everywhere would say, “Oh; why, Ashley, that was the most beautiful advice I’ve ever heard…EVER!” You all sicken me.
Except you. Thanks for the help. Now, there’s only one thing left for me to do…buh-bye, everybody!
(He runs off, pursued by the officers and the real Ashley)
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