Phil Coulson quotes from Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Do you have any idea how to stop him? You make him sound invincible.

Coulson

Calm down general. You'll pull something.

Calm down? This is an end-of-the-world type deal! Don't you tell me to calm down! I'm the one who tells you to calm down! [pause] How are you so calm anyway?

Coulson

I'm getting used to this sort of thing.

Coulson

I'm just here to offer a helping hand. Pun absolutely intended.

Hive

You have given me exactly what I need to defeat them, your body. I'll shed this host and take you, and march down to announce to the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents that I finally succeeded in defeating the great Alveus. The day is won. No need to remain concealed in the shadows.

Coulson

Yeah, you sound just like me.

Hive

Oh I will. Once I'm in that head of yours. I can't wait. We're two sides of the same coin Coulson. Commanders leading soldiers.

Coulson

The only difference is when you give an order, your followers have no choice but to obey, but when I gave my team the order to stay behind they just wouldn't listen. They got out, right before docking was complete, climbed along the top of the fuselage to a maintenance hatch. I'm just a distraction. [Hive tries to grab Coulson and discovers he's a hologram] I said I was willing to die sure, but I certainly don't want to. Picked up this little move from my misguided buddy Blake, figured I could get an egomaniac who'd been alone for a thousand years to chat. Plus, I always wanted to do this: [bows forward] "Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope."

Coulson

Now all we have to do is decide who goes and who stays to hold off a wave of primates and Hive the Terrible.

Mack

Well, I'd like to be in the fight. [wields shotgun-axe] Built this damn thing for a reason.

Coulson

Are you okay?

May

Yeah, it's just been a long day.

Coulson

Well, take advantage of the down-time. Who knows what tomorrow holds?

Coulson

But I had a whole speech ready.

I'm sure it's good. You can use it next time.

Coulson

Where's your power come from?

Robbie

I made a deal with the Devil.

Coulson

Right... okay... just... [walks over to Mack] Okay, ghosts, devils. You believe any of this stuff we're dealing with?

Mack

I believe in God, so I gotta believe in the other thing.

Coulson

In my experience, gods usually turn out to be aliens.

Mack

Alien would definitely explain the things he can do.

Mack

If that thing is that dangerous, then why not tell him? He's the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Coulson

We don't know if we can trust him.

May

[nodding at Robbie] So why the hell is he here?

Coulson

Without him, we wouldn't know the Darkhold had resurfaced. But the fewer people who know about it, the better. Fury had no problem opening Pandora's box from time to time, but even he was afraid of this thing. It's powerful, it's deadly, and now probably in the hands of a pissed off mad scientist ghost. So, thoughts, feelings? This is a safe space.

Robbie

If we're going to get my uncle, I'm going with you.

Coulson

No, you're not.

Mack

If your uncle can lead us to Lucy, then maybe we'll let you out to bust some ghosts, but until then, your ass stays on the plane.

Robbie

I don't take orders.

Coulson

Then this will be a new experience.

Robbie

You can't keep me here.

Coulson

Maybe not. But you take this plane down, you'll be burning up the only people in the world trying to help you.

Mack

Lucy leaves a lot of crazy in her wake. If we're gonna track her down, we're gonna need that antidote. Fitz said that they were close.

Coulson

I don't want it close. I want it here.

Coulson

You know, you never did tell me what you saw when you died.

May

Really? Now? Is it because it smells like death down here

Coulson

You saw something.

May

You want to know what I saw, Phil?

Coulson

Yeah.

May

I saw you. Don't let it get to your head.

Coulson

As a former director, I have a better sense than most about how precious your time is. How important it is to prioritize the critical from the trivial. Which makes me wonder why you'd waste half a day flying here on a wild goose chase.

It's not a wild goose chase if there are geese. You deny they're on board?

Coulson

Geese? I have zero geese. We are goose free.

You know what a hero is?

Coulson

Are we really going to do this?

Everybody loves Han Solo. Rebel, rule breaker, lone wolf. But to my old-fashioned sensibilities he's not a hero, he's just a guy who always puts himself first.

Coulson

I agree.

A real hero's a team player, someone who acts selflessly.

Coulson

Not sure you heard the part where I agreed. Personally I always felt that Admiral Ackbar was the unsung hero. A strategic military man who led combat ops against the Empire.

Is that how you see it Phil? S.H.I.E.L.D. is the Empire and your ragtag group is the Rebels?

Coulson

I've devoted everything to S.H.I.E.L.D. I gave my life for it. Literally.

Oh, I don't deny that you've done a lot of good in the past, but a true hero doesn't protect a brutal killer.

Coulson

What are you talking about?

[looks at a tablet] Yesterday your fiery friend killed a prisoner named Santino Noguera. Was the man a murderer with three strikes? Yes, but the legal system sentenced him to prison, not to death.

Daisy

Hey guys? I've got some big, fat, disappointing news. I can't hack in or shut down the plant's operating system from here.

Fitz

Well, you're out of practice. Too much punching, not enough hacking.

Daisy

Very funny. No, I can't hack in because their system isn't on a network, it predates the internet. Coulson, how did anything ever get done back in the old timey days?

Coulson

I ask myself that all the time.

Coulson

All cards on the table: AIDA's an android.

She's... What did you just say?

Coulson

An android.

May

Had me fooled, too.

But that's... Okay. I mean, forget about the fact that I was mildly attracted to her. That totally goes against the Sokovia Accords. Doesn't anyone remember Ultron?

Agent Coulson... you should be dead.

Coulson

I get that a lot. Never gets old, though. It means I'm still here.

How? I watched you get vaporized.

Coulson

Just a fact that you're asking "How?" shows you how little about what happened... or what's about to.

I'm not sure if that's an insult or a threat. Either way - not a good idea.