Jim quotes from According to Jim

Jim

Will you do something for me?

Cheryl

Anything.

Jim

All right! I got all day to think about it.

Cheryl

What are we gonna do about Ruby? I've been sitting outside her classroom for a week now.

Jim

I don't know, but honey, we got to do something 'cause I can't keep taking the kids to work with me. I mean, Kyle is screaming and crying all day and the little one...

Cheryl

Gracie.

Jim

Right. She keeps answering the phone: 'Hello I have a bagina. Sometimes she doesn't even say hello.

Jim

Would you mind taking your toothbrush out of my bathroom.

Dana

You didn't use it, did you?

Jim

Not on my teeth.

Jim

Hey, Cheryl, you know I wanted to ask you: that smoked ham that we had last night, was it regular ham when we bought it?

Cheryl

You know sweetie, I can quit smoking, but you'll always be an ass.

Jim

Geez, do you smoke with that mouth?

Ruby

What's that on daddy's head.

Cheryl

Hair.

Jim

Hey, I got hair. I just don't comb it forward any more.

Cheryl

Hey, where are you going?

Jim

I'm going to the kitchen. If I can't sleep or have sex, I'm gonna eat.

Jim

Are you nervous?

Ruby

No.

Jim

Then why are your hands so cold?

Ruby

You made me hold your Slurpee!

Jim

I married her for her looks.

Cheryl

I married him for his money.

Jim

Hah! I win!

Jim

Dana, would you tell your sister her ass is not big?

Dana

But you are big, Jim.

Dana

You guys are not gonna believe this.

Jim

Not only am I not going to believe it, I won't care.

Jim

Where's the rulebook?"

Cheryl

What rulebook?"

Jim

You know. The religious one . . . the Bible.

Jim

You know, I'm so used to calling you 'Beaky' that I never... What is your real name? First name?

Gaylord.

Jim

Here's a language everybody understands. [Pulls out a bill]

Dana

Is that a one dollar bill Jim?

Jim

Yes. Dana, in their country this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.

Jim

[to Cheryl] When I got home from work and you weren't in the kitchen, I feared the worst.

Dana

What, that you'd have to make your own dinner?

Andy

Urine... You're in danger, you're in trouble...

Jim

You're insane!