Matt quotes from 7th Heaven

Simon

Ruthie's mad because you're abandoning us.

Matt

I'm not abandoning anyone. I'm going to college!

Matt

[upon finding out Annie's pregnant] You didn't do this just to get me to stay home and go to school, did you?

No.

Matt

Well, you can't get me out of here now, things are just starting to get good.

Matt

I just want to know if Mom is feeling any better?

Eric

She can't fit into her pants, she's not gonna be happy until she can. Meanwhile, I have to find some place to take her for our 20th anniversary that's appropriately romantic, yet doesn't remind her that I'm the one that got her too big to fit in her pants. I've been down this road five times and it's a long cranky road.

Matt

I remember when you put on a few pounds you were cranky too.

Eric

Yeah, but that was different. I wasn't providing a nurturing environment for a developing human being. And I have to say if I were... I think I be thrilled. I'd be elated... I'd be...

Annie

...Miserable. You know, you think you know what it's like, but you don't, you really don't. You know nothing.

Eric

Nothing.

Annie

[to Matt] You look terrible.

Eric

It finally happened. Our son got rejected by a girl.

Annie

I can't believe it. Not my Matt! Why, you are the most handsomest guy on Earth, and if a girl doesn't like you, then something must be wrong with her.

Eric

Maybe your mom could call her.

Matt

You know, you two are really starting to sound like June and Ward Cleaver.

Eric

Really? Because up until now, you kind of reminded me of Wally. Wally never got rejected.

Matt

Once the twins are here, our lives will never be the same. They're gonna need lots of attention and quiet, and once they're here, they're here. Forever.

Ruthie

What if we don't like them?

Matt

Well, having a baby is kind of like rolling the dice in Vegas. Sometimes the odds are really good, and you win big.

Simon

And sometimes, you crap out.

Eric

What are you doing with this stuff?

Matt

A friend at school gave gave 'em to me. Their just natural energy boosters made from herbs or something.

Eric

Not everything that is natural is good for you. Cocaine is extracted from the cope of plant. Heroine and Morphine come from natural plants and extracts. Natural doesn't always mean good!

Matt

Dad, calm down, okay. Check the bottle, it's sealed. I didn't take any. I was just looking for a way to keep awake so I could keep studying.

Eric

Oh, you'll stay awake because the main ingredient in these pills is Ephedrine which is just a chemical process away from being Methamphetamine.

Matt

Wait I don't get it, I mean the guy who gave these pills bought them from a health-food store. I mean if this stuff is so dangerous then why is it not illegal.

Eric

Because Ephedrine is classified as a food not a drug, so it's not regulated the way it should be. Ephedrine-based supplements are illegal in 13 states. You know that it took to make them illegal? People died. (Mary enters the room)

Eric

What's wrong?

Mary

I took those pills.

Eric

You took these pills?

Mary

No, I didn't get the pills from Matt, I got them from Diane who gets them from her father. I thought everyone was taking them.

Eric

I think I better talk to Diane's father. Throw them out.

Matt

Gladly.

Lucy

[hitting Matt] Who do you think you are embarrassing me like that? I am not a child! I am practically a grown woman and you have no right to interfere in my life like that!

Matt

Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I'd rather you be mad at me than find out you did something stupid.

Lucy

Oh, yeah? Well, if you're so worried about me being stupid, then why don't you bust in on Mary at her stupid boy-girl sleepover?

Eric

Getting ready for the babies is kind of exciting, but it's scary too. Don't you think? Having two new people in the family will be a pretty big change. It's just been the seven of us for a while. Concerns? Thoughts? Fears? Anybody?

Matt

We know the drill, Dad. Two of you will leave for the hospital, and four of you will come home.

Simon

We've done this before.

Ruthie

I haven't, but I can follow along.

Matt

Don't make me get Mom and Dad.

Ruthie

Ha! You couldn't get Mom and Dad away from the "Children of the Corn" if you tried!

Matt

I joined the army.

Eric

The United States army?

Annie

Yes, the United States army. The one with the guns and the wars!

Eric

Did they tell you you'll have to cut your hair?

Annie

Did they tell you those are real guns with real bullets, and you can get yourself shipped off to God knows where, and for what? Just to get your college education paid for?

Eric

[pause] How much would he get?

Matt

Well, I'm planning on four years. I'm gonna train as a pilot and they'll give me $50,000, and I'll be able to get a job as soon I get out.

Eric

Wow. 50 G's and a job?

Annie

Bullets! Very fast bullets coming at our son!

Mary

You're a freak, you know that. A total freak, freak, freak!

Matt

Yeah, your freak brother. And that entitles me to protect you anyway I see fit.

Mary

No it doesn't. It doesn't entitle you to protect anything. And who needs your protection?

Matt

Who, who!? You that's who. You're out with a guy two years older than you and you're making out with him in a cop car!

Mary

There is no law against making out! [turns to Sergeant Michaels] Is there, Sergeant Michaels? Is there a law against making out?!

Sergeant Michaels

I'm going to let you two settle this.

Mary

Yeah, I know how to settle this. I'm gonna open a can of whup-ass!

Matt

Yeah, you do that.

Mary

I will! I will!

Eric

So if there's anyone present who does not think these two should not wed, please speak now or forever hold your peace.

Matt

Don't do it. Heather, don't do it!

[to Mason] I'm sorry. [runs away with Matt from the altar]

Well, congratulations. Now that you've pushed me out of the picture, you could just move right on in.

Matt

I'm not the one who messed this all up. That was you. I'm not the one who had a girlfriend on the side. That was you. I'm not the one who broke Heather's heart. That was you. I may have ruined your wedding, but the day you decided to cheat on Heather, you ruined the relationship and you should be man enough to admit it!

Thanks for ruining my wedding.

Matt

Anytime.

Eric

Life is beautiful. [walks away]

Annie

Ah, it is. It is. It is.

Matt

Too beautiful?

Annie

Just a smidge.