Eric quotes from 7th Heaven

Annie

You invited a guest to stay in our house without even consulting me?

Eric

...I just thought it would be a great cultural experience for the kids, for all of us.

Annie

Well so's a museum, but unfortunately we don't have room for one in our house!

Joe

But I love her. I love Sarah!

Eric

If you mean that, then you need to do what's best for her. Do the right thing, Joe.

Eric

I know how you feel, Simon, but we still need to do whatever we can to find Sarah's family.

Simon

You're on your own there, Dad. I want her.

Eric

Anyway, you don't believe in God, huh? (Ruthie shakes her head yes) Kinda gets me in the heart 'cause God is so real to me.

Ruthie

But you can't see God.

Eric

Well, the wind is real, but you can't see the wind. You know, you can only see the leaves rustling in the trees. Pain is real but you can't see pain. You can only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face.

Mary

Is there something wrong with me?

Annie

Not exactly. You're... you're... I can't.

Eric

There is just no easy way to say this Mary, it seems that you're pregnant.

Mary

I don't think so.

Annie

Why, because your birth controls infailable?!

Mary

Yeah, it's called not having sex, it works 100% of the time; and hey, if I'm lying we'll all know in a couple of months now, won't we?

Annie

I have something to tell you. We're going to have a baby. A baby... we're having one. You can't get any closer and we're still having a baby. Uh-huh... you and me together. Wacky Dr. Peterson got the tests mixed up.

Eric

WHAT!?

Matt

[upon finding out Annie's pregnant] You didn't do this just to get me to stay home and go to school, did you?

No.

Matt

Well, you can't get me out of here now, things are just starting to get good.

Simon

Just in case what isn't better?

Ruthie

My morning sickness.

Simon

Oh, give it up already.

Ruthie

MOMMY!

Eric

Simon, be nicer to your sister. This isn't easy on her and she's just a little girl.

Simon

You say it like it's a weakness or something.

Matt

I just want to know if Mom is feeling any better?

Eric

She can't fit into her pants, she's not gonna be happy until she can. Meanwhile, I have to find some place to take her for our 20th anniversary that's appropriately romantic, yet doesn't remind her that I'm the one that got her too big to fit in her pants. I've been down this road five times and it's a long cranky road.

Matt

I remember when you put on a few pounds you were cranky too.

Eric

Yeah, but that was different. I wasn't providing a nurturing environment for a developing human being. And I have to say if I were... I think I be thrilled. I'd be elated... I'd be...

Annie

...Miserable. You know, you think you know what it's like, but you don't, you really don't. You know nothing.

Eric

Nothing.

Annie

How is that I'm the one who has to watch every single morsel of food that I put into my mouth, and yet those crumbs turn into pounds and more pounds and more pounds, despite the fact that I've already puked most of what I've eaten the day before by the time I get out of bed the next morning?

Ruthie

Yeah, we're fat and we're sick.

Annie

And tired you know I'm really, really tired. It's not like having a baby at twenty or thirty, I'm….

Ruthie

Old.

Annie

And I've got six months to go. Six more months. Six months of trying to wear clothes that make me look...

Eric

Like you're having a baby. Our baby.

Ruthie

Yeah, our big fat baby.

Annie

Yeah, she's right. You know that I was seven months pregnant with Matt before I was in maternity clothes. And now, at three months look at me, I'm fat. I'm old. I'm tired. And I'm fat.

Ruthie

Yeah, I can't get in nothing of mine, neither.

Eric

You can't get into anything Ruthie, you don't fit into your clothes because you're getting bigger and that's because you're getting older.

Ruthie

Yeah, just like Mommy.

Eric

It's going to be okay.

Annie

It's not gonna be okay! It's only gonna get worse. I'm only gonna get fatter, and older, and tireder, and fatter! Then, when I'm at my oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever, probably with the world record head!

Ruthie

Yeah. If you ask me, the only thing you daddies have to do to make a baby is the fun part.

Eric

You know, maybe your tummy will be feeling better by lunchtime. Mommy's always is.

Ruthie

Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn't.

Simon

Just in case what isn't?

Ruthie

My morning sickness.

Simon

Oh, give it up! You're not sick, you're not tired, and you're not fat. You're just trying to get attention.

Ruthie

MOMMY! [runs upstairs]

Simon

Yeah. Whenever they're hurt, they run to Mommy, even when Dad is standing right there.

Annie

You and Simon need some guy stuff to do together. I don't want him to feel left out.

Eric

No, being left out is Lucy's job.

Annie

[to Matt] You look terrible.

Eric

It finally happened. Our son got rejected by a girl.

Annie

I can't believe it. Not my Matt! Why, you are the most handsomest guy on Earth, and if a girl doesn't like you, then something must be wrong with her.

Eric

Maybe your mom could call her.

Matt

You know, you two are really starting to sound like June and Ward Cleaver.

Eric

Really? Because up until now, you kind of reminded me of Wally. Wally never got rejected.

Eric

Maybe what you need is a tutor.

Lucy

You mean an older-high-school-guy-who-looks-like-Brad-Pitt type of tutor?

Eric

Uh, no, I was thinking of a much-older-minister-who's-slowly-losing-patience-with-his-daughter type of tutor.